Decided to live for myself

TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE AND SELF HARM

I wasn't planning on posting this, but I guess I am now. I'm 19 and live at home, working a part time job and commuting to college. Currently it's summer and I am trying to save up as much money as I can to pay for college through loans and stuff. I also deal with my parents who are super toxic and have been verbally and physically abusing me since I was little. Yesterday I got into an argument with my mother and the argument soon turned physically violent thanks to my mother. We fought and she bit my wrists (which still pains me as I type this). I scratched her face in retaliation, which did not turn out well. I got thrown to the floor and got kicked hard in the legs by my mother, and also got bit hard in the wrists again. I was angry at her for all she had done - failing to understand me and my feelings, not trying to understand what I was trying to tell her, always resorting to violence when she didn't know how to confront me with words or resolve an argument. I had always been her emotional dumpster or physical punch bag when she couldn't handle the abuse she received from my father or others. I threw harsh words at her because I was sick and tired of her being my mother and having to live with such terrible parents who didn't know how to raise kids. I raised myself to overcome the abuse when no one was there to support me. Coming back to the current situation, after she told in my face that I was going to end up alone and miserable, since I already had a hard time making friends, and my nearby relatives nearly always spoke things about me behind my back to my mother, she used that to tell me that my relatives wouldn't be able to put up with me. It didn't help that my mother's argument with her relatives a few weeks back forced my aunt and grandparents to cut ties with me. I felt this hollow tunnel running deep inside that led me to believe that everyone hated me and my mouth. After my mother left the room, I realized that I didn't want to live this life. I didn't want to be called a monster when I wasn't, I didn't want to be taken for granted by everyone around me, I didn't want to be constantly compared to other sons and daughters, I didn't want to be financially dependent and blackmailed, and I didn't know what I even wanted to do with my life. I went to the bathroom to ponder over how I wanted to let it all go so I could be done with this life. I felt that there was no meaning to myself anymore and dying was easier anyways. But as soon as I was about to do it, I got scared. I tried convincing myself that my life, if I chose to live it, would be ruined by my parents. But then I also thought about the things that I would miss. My job, which I was starting to enjoy, the joy of going to college and working hard, the research course that I was planning to sign up for to get better experience, and the option of seeking a therapist since no one else would help me out. I thought of all that and decided to wait a little bit longer before I decided to end my life. I would no longer care if others thought of me as a bad person, or a rude and outspoken daughter and person overall, because I knew that living for myself would my life worth living for. I am going to try to do the things that I want to do and enjoy my company instead of chasing after other people who wouldn't like me anyway.