Dear God

@UndomesticGoddess

Amen!! Thanks for Posting !

1st letter to my baby Bella 🤍

Medan, December 22, 2021, 03:12 AM

Dearest Bella,

I still remember the day when the ob-gyn told me that I had you in my tummy. I was a bit surprised but not shocked or confused, I was calm and felt like I just heard a piece of very good news. At that time, suddenly my whole world seemed so clear, my purpose got so sharp and I just knew what to do even though I never had any experience before.

And I still remember the 41 weeks I carried you inside my belly. I can't eat and drink properly till 5 months of pregnancy! The first trimester was so bad that it got me being hospitalized twice, losing 3 kilos, and giving up my job in this international pharmaceutical company when I was working as an executive secretary to the Business Development Director. At week 41, you still floating on my belly, didn't want to come down to my hip no matter how hard I walked or squat or went up and down the stairs. The doctor said you must love swimming inside my womb so much that you refused to come down and prep your way out to see the world to the point I had to get a C-section to make sure you and I were okay :')

It was November 8, 2013, around 8 am when the nurse put you on top of my breasts for you to find your way to breastfeeding naturally which you did but then soon you peed on me 🤣🤣🤣 The nurse had to take you off my chest to clean you and when you came back to the room, you were so sleeping so peacefully.

You were so fair, so pale, so beautiful, and even though I only gained 7 kilos throughout that pregnancy period, you weighted 3,5 kilos with a body length of 51 cm, and so healthy too. I was so happy and so proud of us both for doing incredibly well despite all of mommy's struggle.

And then you grow, so beautiful that sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have a daughter like you. You grow so amazingly that my life feels so much better, and despite everything that happened in our life, seeing you grow so well makes me want to do better in life, and better and better, for you too.

I am so sorry that there were times when I was such a bad mother. There were times when I was so tough on you. There were times when I hurt you but you didn't understand why because you were way too young. Sometimes I wish I can turn back time to undo all of it so you won't remember some of them because somehow you seem to remember some events that got you questioning me again and again on why I did all of those horrible things to you. But you never got angry at me (probably because to this day you still can't understand why).

You are a good kid, an understanding kid. You never had a tantrum. You never screamed at me. At 5 yo, you already understand whenever I needed time to myself. You know how to wipe my tears from my cheeks. And you always cried with me. That's why I learned to never cry in front of you. You understand perfectly that your mom was so afraid to see you fall or get hurt physically that at 6, you started hiding your pain and wound because you don't want to see me mad or sad. Bella, if I remember all of my stupid silly mistakes about you, I feel so awful and really regret them all, but I know you have a gold heart that you still love me to this day no matter how imperfect your mom is.

You just celebrated your 8th birthday this November and I've promised God and myself that I would never get mad/angry at you in a bad way like I used to do in the past. It took a lot of courage for me to promise that. It takes a lot of effort and so much patience to actually be able to do it each and every day we spent together. Not that you are a difficult kid -you are a very fine kid- but it's because your mom is a product of a dysfunctional family that leaves me with PTSD and trying so hard to break a bad cycle of physical and mental abuse from my parents.

I never want you to experience any pain I had when I was growing up. If I can secure your future now and make sure that you are free from wounds, I would, but that's not how life works. So, I'm so sorry that we cannot spend time together. I'm sorry that you have to stay at your auntie's house with your cousins because mommy has to go for another surgery. I'm sorry that I won't be able to hug and kiss and laugh and exercise and listen to your story for a while because I need to fix my physical health now before it gets worse and risk losing more time in the future with you.

When I hugged you earlier, you seemed so tough, but then at 00.30 am you video-called me while crying till your nose were red and your eyes were swollen. You said you missed me and can't sleep. My heart broke when I saw you crying but I held my tears and put on a brave face and tried my best to validate your feelings, tried to calm you down by telling you that we will meet again soon after the surgery and that we can still talk every single day till I have recovered and have the strength to come and pick you up from your auntie's house. Have a blessed sleep, my dearest Bella, sweet dreams and I hope you wake up feeling great overall and ready to smile and laugh and play again with your cousins because you deserve all the fun from growing up :')

-------

Your mom,

~UG~

30 minutes before turning 42...

I must be away for too long that I can't find the button to write a new post on my thread 😂 Is it just me or the whole forums are like this?!? Oh, well, I guess I just have to carry on with my thoughts and writing 😁

Hello, God, how are You?

I know You are busy but I know You always have time for me too. So, tonight I just want to say Thank You. Being a 41 years old lady has a lot of challenges but You have shown me that You are always there for me; always. I can't deny that because I've seen the amazing things You've done in my life. 1st, that failed surgery, the one I suddenly woke up after just 15 minutes had anesthesia, so they didn't have to make a hole on my neck to save my life. 2nd, that big and complex surgery, the one I had for almost 9 hours and with quite a long recovery too, but I finally got out from the hospital on New Year's eve lol 🥳

But I guess my favorite part from being 41 years old is that I've been blessed by the chance to receive and experience compassion and love from others. It's amazing how You've never failed to assure me that I am loved even when I have a very dysfunctional family that I can't expect to accept/approve/love me back for who I am. So, for that, I thank You so much, God, I really am grateful 🥰

What do I wish for my birthday?

There is this one big dream that I would like to see come true, but there is also one thing that I always ask from You: to love You better each day, in spirit and truth. Another thing is to be able to love others like I'd love myself in the right way. Living righteously is so hard, God, making the right choice every single day of my life has never been easy too. As I get older, I become worried I might make another big mistake, the kind that would make me waste my time, just because I don't learn from my previous mistake or learn from the experience of others (as I believe I don't have to make my own mistake to learn something, I can always learn from others!). I don't want that, God, but I guess somehow it's difficult to avoid. Making mistakes seem so natural, at least for me, and I'm not proud of it 🤦‍♀️

5 minutes to 42...

At the end of this day, I feel happy. I feel calm. I feel confident. I believe that You have me in your loving hands and I can't imagine a better place I wanna be. I surrender to You, Lord God, be it done unto me according to Your will, although I do hope that I can have that heavenly wisdom so I have a bit of a clue of what You want me and my life to be. Whatever it is, I believe Your plans are the one that makes me prosper; it's a peaceful plan and I know You know best! So, help me, God, to have another year ahead with Your endless love, guidance, and blessings.

I love You, God, and I know You love me too, more than I can imagine. Please be patient with me, okay? Thank You for being there for me, always and always till the end of my time; amen!

12:00 AM, March 9, 2022

Welcome, 42! 🤩

~UG~