Dear Diary...

It's late and I will go to bed soon.

I have not been doing too well today. But I don't really know why. Today I didn't feel up to the task of listening so I logged on as a member and requested a chat. Today, I wasn't lucky. The first person exchanged a few messages with me and then quit responding. So after waiting some minutes I ended the chat and requested a new one. The next listener had a longish response time and seemed overall uninterested in the conversation with me.

Today I didn't do the things that I had planned to do. More correct: Today I didn't do all the things that I had planned to do. Currently I am struggling with opening my mail. I am quite behind. And the mail I did open, I didn't react to. There are some things I really need to take care of to prevent unpleasant consequences.

Plan for tomorrow: React to the letters that I have opened already.

Off to bed now.

Today I have had a good day. I had the morning off - which is something that I am proud of. I have set a boundary concerning this day. My work tried to book me for training on this day because it would have best suited the person doing the training. But I stepped up for myself and declined this day for training. So now I will be trained tomorrow via zoom instead of today in person. And i had the morning off.

Having the morning off was well needed. I slept until 9 am (which is shockingly long for me). Then I got up and had a slow morning, listening to an interesting and insightful podcast, journaling pen on paper, eating some proper breakfast.

I managed to cross an important task off my to-do list today, as well. I paid a bill which would have had consequences if I hadn't paid it within this week. I am relieved that this is done.

I went to work and had a good time there. Afterwards I went and explored a new path with my dog. It's not really late, yet, but I am feeling quite spent.

I think I will go into the sauna and then take a bath. That way this day will have been a proper rest and self-care day.

I have been crazy productive today. But I didn't do most of my daily intended good habits.

My daily habit goals are

1) in bed by 10pm

2) journal - at least STJ

3) meditate - minimum 5 min

4) exercise - at least 7000 steps

5) do one task from my to-do list.

I didn't journal and I didn't meditate and on my tracker there are "just" 5300 steps so far (my dog is still waiting for his evening walk). But I have been absolutely absurdly productive today! I have been to university and to work today, I have written several e-mails, checked university dealines and cooked myself a healthy, nutritious meal.

Writing this I realize that I still have university homework to do. Not in bed by 10pm, I guess...

Many people do this that they decide on a word for the new year. They give their year a motto or a title. I have never engaged in this practice.

But currently a lot of things change in my life. And suddenly I seem to find new friends wherever I turn. After years of perceived loneliness, I suddenly have more people to hang out with than fit my calendar.

So I was wondering if I want to give my next year a motto. I think my motto for the upcoming year is "Heartfelt Connection" - and I absolutely love that.

So much snow.

Today after work I basicly crashed. My thoughts got very upsetting during work already. When I was at home, I felt that nothing could possibly relieve me from being hungry. My thoughts still upsetting. I remembered my former list of what to do in case of upsetting thoughts. It went something like

Have I eaten something?

-> No: Eat something!

-> Yes: Next question. Have I tried lying down and sleeping?

-> No: Go lie down!

-> Yes: Next question. ...

I lay down and fell asleep pretty much immediately. After sleeping my mind was mostly sorted again.

In bed, trying to fall asleep. In bed for 30 min already. I feel zero tired. When you can't fall asleep for 20 min, you should get up and do something else. Really?

Just before I was sitting in my living room and suddenly said aloud "I want to d**". I don't know where this came from.

Today, I managed to do one of the things I procrastinate on - with help but still. I am registered for the exams at the end of this semester now.

Step by step, day by day.

Hey there,

Right now I wish I could talk to someone... I had this listener ask me if I have a deal or if I am just wasting listener time. That really got to me. Since then I don't dare to ask for a listener unless I have a specific topic. I don't dare to join the queue anymore unless I can name what I need to talk about. More than "I can't sleep. I am sitting on my couch all alone and having dark thoughts.".

There is so much I wish I had someone to talk to about. I so often feel lonely and lost. Then I listen here on 7cups and talk to people with no friends, no family, no work, and no where to go to. And then I am not sure anymore if it's okay for me to not be alright.

Gratitude:

1) I am grateful that my dog is healthy. Yesterday, I thought he might be sick - but it turned out that he is indeed healthy. I am glad about that.

2) Yesterday, I had three long phone calls. One with a friend who I hadn't heard in a very long time. It felt good to just talk and catch up with her.

3) My bills have been approved and I will soon get paid. I am very low on money so I am already grateful in advance.

4) My partner sat down with me yesterday and asked me how it is for me that he has changed jobs. It was honest care and interest.

5) I cooked a healthy soup yesterday. It was a broth with many different vegetables. It tasted delicious. I loved it.

Dreams:

1) I have successfully finished my university degree.

2) I am a mum.

3) I am doing a good job at personal administration.

4) I am fit and healthy.

5) I enjoy my life.

6) I am in a loving and stable relationship.

7) I am a published author whose books are being read.

8) I have rich and deep social connections.

9) I am financially stable and independent.

Focus goal:

I have successfully finished my university degree.

The milestones on this path are:

  1 - I have successfully finished this semester

  2 - I have done my first internship and have the paperwork for it to proove that

TW mum d**th, mention of r*f*gees, mention of w*r

Today, I have thought a lot about Christmas. I spoke to people on here in the groups and listened to what they where saying. For most of them, the festive season now is just horrible. It used to be just horrible for me as well. For more than a decade I was avoiding Christmas as to me it was the day my mum died. She didn't die that day. It's just that Christmas was a really important and special day in our family - the only really important and special day in our family - and that ended when she was gone.

Si I used to slide into depression at the beginning of the season. By the time Christmas was around I felt that so much as getting up was impossible. Every year on New Year's I wondered what my mum would say if she could see me and all I could do was cry. By the 6th of January I felt like not continue living.

For years and years I didn't celebrate Christmas at all. Than - slowly - that changed. I started to celebrate that day - just not Christmas. Everyone who was alone that day who I knew could come to my place and enjoy a meal and company. BUT no Christams things: no decoration, no Christams music, no presents. Just good food and socializing. Some people came to spend Christmas with me at my no-Christmas party.

Then I moved and found a home. I had a place where I could settle and be. I started picking up old Christmas traditions that my mother used to have - like writing a Christams letter to everyone who I hadn't personally seen that year. Baking loads of cookies and giving them away.

These days I am very involved with people who have lost their homes for one reason or another. Lost their homes or are forced to spend a lot of time seperated from their homes and their dear ones. Many of them are refugees. And suddenly, after all those years of running as fast as I could when hearing the word Christmas, after years of spending this season in hiding, suddenly it's me making sure their is a Christmas gathering for everyone. Just spending time together, drinking children's punch (just a mix of juices and spices, no alcohol), talking with each other and listening to each other.

Depending on the group the topics will vary. One group will go home for the holidays. One group will talk about being here all by themselves in a foreign country. One group will talk about the war that's still happening in their home country.

I hope all of you will find a setting for Christmas where you are listened to and heard.