Dark chocolate and orange - Random thoughts

Hi !!

I am going through a difficult time in life and needed a space to vent. I have a couple of friends who undertand what I am going though and an incredibly supportive but super-critical family. I am thankful for everyone who has stood by me over the last one year. I have turned to 7cups many many times during the past year for refuge and comfort.

I am going through a breakup. That point where you know there is no point in continuing this relationship but you just don't feel like ending it yet. Not because you expect things will get better but because it means that the hopes, dreams and plans are discarded forever. Like a patient on the ventilator whose organs have failed and who is brain dead. There is no hope for recovery. But you hesitate before unplugging the ventilator. (this analogy may sound a little weird, but I am a healthcare worker). It hurts to look at old pictures and messages. The house that I had arranged and set up with plans of living together for years. That I had to leave one day because I didn't feel comfortable or safe there. All of those days that I thought this was a phase in the relationship, that things would get better eventually. Dealing with neighbours and friends who would ask questions trying to figure out what's happening (nosy neighbours!!!). And now dealing with grief. People telling me that everyone has problems irritates me !!!! I know everyone has problems, but this breakup happened after I had quit my job and didn't have a place of my own to live... with the uncertainty during the pandemic. I lived with family members and missed having a place of my own.

Listening to family members planning their pregnancy or looking at small children playing on the street makes me focus on the fact that this is something that may never happen for me. And that hurts. I have been passionate and prioritized my career for most of my adult life. I did manage to find a new job and it will be a major transition. A part of me is looking forward to it. But I also find myself questioning those decisions whether all that is worth it if I end up alone.

In the country where I grew up, people can be conservative. And now I am in another country living with a sibling. I don't have friends or contacts here since I just moved here. My support system gave me advice and suggestions, but refused to sit with me during the appointments. When I felt that references from contacts and friends would help, they refused to post on groups, because it would affect them somehow and tarnish their image ? I don't know. They refuse to even acknowledge / mention this breakup among their friends when this comes up in conversations. But I am expected to be cheerful and happy because "everyone has their own problems". And when I was asked unnecessary intrusive and personal questions during one of those appointments, in stead of saying that they crossed a line, I was told by my support system that you are too shy !! you were not clear enough and your explanation for why you made a decison to end this relationship is not adequate!!!

Friends have helped. Music and exercise helps too. I will start my new job in two months. I will move to a new city, and this job will be very hectic. The two months before are my time to relax, but also to grieve. I am hoping that this transition will be for the better, that I will make new friends and build a new life.