↳ 11.04.23 ༉‧₊
CW // relationship issues, sex
I've been feeling pretty jaded lately. I think I'm tired of this routine I'm in. I'm tired of waking up and immediately cleaning the house. I'm tired of my alone time consisting of work, or procrastination. I'm tired of his jokes that only make me feel more apathetic. I'm tired of feeling out of touch with my interests and my body.
[Tw // sex I'm tired of feeling guilty for not feeling arousal. I want to just be! I hate feeling like I have a debt to pay because I haven't been promiscuous with him. Sometimes, I can't help but think that those little jokes or comments are made to make me feel guilty, so I give in. And sometimes I do! But then he complains that I'm not "into it." Of course I'm not. I don't have this desire right now, and I'm only doing this as a service to him because I feel like I should. He's started a new approach. "Lessons." He says he wants me to show him how I like it, to teach him how to make me feel good. It's great that he's taking that step to communicate, but it just feels like a ploy, to be honest. The moment I start to get into it a little bit, he gets excited and takes over. He does what he wants to do, disregarding everything I had just told him. I feel used, and it turns me off. Do I tough out that discomfort, or do I break the news that I'm not into it anymore and face his frustration? He's sacrificed so much for us, I can't help but feel like I need to do something in return. end of TW ]
If it isn't with sex, it's with keeping up with our plans and chores throughout the day. I only go to school online and he works full time, so that's the agreement we've settled on. But now I feel more pressure on that agreement, because of all that stuff. You know, as I'm putting this all down into my entry, I'm starting to connect some dots. Maybe I feel jaded with this routine because I'm feeling out of touch with myself and my body, because nothing I do is for me. Sure, it feels good to have my homework done and a weekly meal plan set up and to have a clean home. But it's all out of a sensed obligation. No wonder I'm feeling like I don't have time or me, and just unenthusiastic about everything... Nothing I do is for me. I'm gonna sit on this one, maybe vent to a friend and my therapist, and have that talk with him. I'm scared. But I know if I don't handle this now, resentment will brew.
This was a super heavy first entry, but I discovered some things about myself. I feel better. I'm grateful to have this space.