CircusMouse entries ~ ☆
CircusMouse
November 4th, 2023
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Welcome! This is where I will be storing all
of my journal entries, goals, dreams, and
tragedies. Replies are welcomed, just
be mindful of your words, please!
╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅──╯
↳ 11.04.23 ༉‧₊
I wanted to write a bit about me first! I'm remaining anon so you can either call me CM, CircusMouse, or just Mouse. (Fun fact: the name was inspired by Coraline!) I'm 22 and I live in the U.S. I like all kinds of music. (Yes, really. Yes, even THAT kind.) I love cartoons, psychological thrillers, and I enjoy reading tarot, too. :> I'm sure you'll learn more about me as you read on.
Disclaimer: I will try my best to use adequate trigger warnings when necessary. As a precautionary statement, you can expect the following topics to be discussed pretty frequently: pets, food & exercise, family, death (occasionally), drugs (occasionally. I will indicate if it's neutral or negative), relationship issues, sexual trauma (I will indicate this at the beginning of the entry and right before it gets mentioned in the body). Trigger warnings will be marked in bold red text for added visibility.
Note: Replies are welcome! Again, just please be mindful of your words, and I would ask that all replies are to a specific entry. That way, we can keep my thread clean and there aren't any floating replies in between entries. :>
Thank you!!
↳ 11.04.23 ༉‧₊
CW // relationship issues, sex
I've been feeling pretty jaded lately. I think I'm tired of this routine I'm in. I'm tired of waking up and immediately cleaning the house. I'm tired of my alone time consisting of work, or procrastination. I'm tired of his jokes that only make me feel more apathetic. I'm tired of feeling out of touch with my interests and my body.
[Tw // sex I'm tired of feeling guilty for not feeling arousal. I want to just be! I hate feeling like I have a debt to pay because I haven't been promiscuous with him. Sometimes, I can't help but think that those little jokes or comments are made to make me feel guilty, so I give in. And sometimes I do! But then he complains that I'm not "into it." Of course I'm not. I don't have this desire right now, and I'm only doing this as a service to him because I feel like I should. He's started a new approach. "Lessons." He says he wants me to show him how I like it, to teach him how to make me feel good. It's great that he's taking that step to communicate, but it just feels like a ploy, to be honest. The moment I start to get into it a little bit, he gets excited and takes over. He does what he wants to do, disregarding everything I had just told him. I feel used, and it turns me off. Do I tough out that discomfort, or do I break the news that I'm not into it anymore and face his frustration? He's sacrificed so much for us, I can't help but feel like I need to do something in return. end of TW ]
If it isn't with sex, it's with keeping up with our plans and chores throughout the day. I only go to school online and he works full time, so that's the agreement we've settled on. But now I feel more pressure on that agreement, because of all that stuff. You know, as I'm putting this all down into my entry, I'm starting to connect some dots. Maybe I feel jaded with this routine because I'm feeling out of touch with myself and my body, because nothing I do is for me. Sure, it feels good to have my homework done and a weekly meal plan set up and to have a clean home. But it's all out of a sensed obligation. No wonder I'm feeling like I don't have time or me, and just unenthusiastic about everything... Nothing I do is for me. I'm gonna sit on this one, maybe vent to a friend and my therapist, and have that talk with him. I'm scared. But I know if I don't handle this now, resentment will brew.
This was a super heavy first entry, but I discovered some things about myself. I feel better. I'm grateful to have this space.
↳ 11.09.23 ༉‧₊
CW // sex (brief)
So, it's been a few days. I've been talking to one of my friends and my therapist about my last entry. I've slowly started incorporating me-time in the mornings. I wake up earlier so I don't feel guilty about taking an hour for self-care. I also will hold off any and all duties (except for feeding my cats) until me-time is over. Sometimes, I do yoga and journal. Sometimes, I just curl up and watch tv. Whatever I feel like doing. I always open the windows so I get some fresh air in the morning. I try to drink as much water as possible and I've been slowly incorporating more vitamins into my routine.
[ TW // sex I'm going to talk to him today about my last entry. We talked briefly last night, but he was getting tired so we put a pin in it and decided we'll finish the conversation today. I feel nervous. These kinds of intimate conversations are always nerve-racking for me. But, at least I have the comfort of knowing that he is happy with me and he describes our lack of sex as "not the worst thing in the world." It's reassuring. end of TW ]
Today, I have plans to do some homework, do the dishes, and then spend some more time with my brothers. We've all been spending some more time lately, which feels really nice. I'll just play some video games with them for a couple hours, or sometimes share-play a movie. It feels good getting closer to them, especially my middle brother. We've been disconnected for so long. I'm so happy that we're slowly starting to get back on each other's good sides. I'm starting to get a bit hungry and cold from the breeze in the window, so I'm going to go have some breakfast. Maybe I'll journal again later, maybe not.
↳ 11.14.23 ༉‧₊
This is going to be one busy week. I've got a ton of assignments coming up, Thanksgiving shopping, some family obligations, and hopefully a couple job interviews will be lined up. I don't feel very overwhelmed, though. My anxiety has been slowly creeping in the last week, but I've learned how to cope with it. I'm very grateful for that.
I'm feeling okay. I have been slowly incorporating more movement into my day, with the help of my husband. I have goals I am preparing to work towards. I've been trying to limit the self deprecating thoughts. I really just need to pull myself up and find ways to gain more energy. I think I'm doing fine. My mind's on the right track, at least.
I'm starting to feel a little groggy from the slow morning so I'm going to go do some homework while I can. I'll most likely do another entry later today; there's still a lot to talk about!
