BurkeDevlin / CaloenasNicobarica All-Purpose Chat Thread

@BurkeDevlin

Just wanted to say really quick, DUDE. Nintendo World Store in Rockefeller Center. O. M. G. You go there. That is like...I live near Nintendo headquarters and can't go to the store there because it's for employees. You will get epic nerd swag and props if you go there. Seriously. Would love some pics! XD I'll write more later! But...that's so freakin' cool. Sounds like a neat itinerary. And I couldn't help but Awww for how cute it was that your girl is going to the American Girl store. That's so sweet. I wonder what your son will think of the Big Apple? BTW what show are you gonna see? Sorry if I'm prying too much. Hope you guys have a great time! Good to be back and know you're doing well. <3

Going to=went to said store. Ugh, out of the writing loop. X_X;

@CaloenasNicobarica LOL, yeah, she wouldn't be caught dead in there now. Now that she's 10.

It was a great day, they had a blast, and my son now wants to move to NYC when he's 18. He was very disappointed to go back through the tunnel to New Jersey, where the buildings are only of modest size.

We didn't see the Nintendo World store! I hadn't seen your message before we left or I would have been on the lookout. That said, Rockefeller Center was very crowded with all the Christmas stuff and we only even got to see the Lego Store through the windows. Now we have an incentive to go back. (They already asked if we can go back over Christmas break.) And I will take pictures for you.

We went to 'The Play That Goes Wrong'. An acquaintance of mine who actually performs in NYC told me it was the funniest play she'd ever seen and OK for all ages. So we picked that one. It was indeed laugh-out-loud funny. If not for the performances, then for the New York attitudes of some of the audience around us. Some stereotypes get that way for a reason. Anyway, the kids loved the show.

A lot of walking and a lot of crowds. I need to go to bed! Have a great night.

@BurkeDevlin

XD I saw this little clip from Conan where he trolled the American Girl store. Good stuff if you're bored and hangin' out on YT. At the tender age of 10 your daughter is a lady it would seem. It's funny how when we're young we want to seem more mature/older, flipside when you're finally that mature/older age!

No LOLs at the expense of New Jersey? I always hear jokes about New Jersey... is it really that bad? O_O; NYC seems pretty overwhelming to a country woman like me. I barely can handle Seattle. Went out for some odds and ends for Christmas but it was so bad I couldn't go in any place. X_X; I know you don't have the same issues as I do with people and such...but geez! Holiday busy busyness x New York just seems exhausting. But it must be pretty damn impressive at the same time.There's just so much there. Like said Nintendo World store. BTW which is two floors and also contains a Pokemon Center. And y'know Spiderman. It's cool that you're goin' back with your little gang! Holiday memories! <3 Look forward to the pics. Maybe you'll actually go into the Lego store next time- crowds permitting.

Altogether, the churros you got and the play sounded awesome. Good times. Hey! I want to hear more about these New York attitudes versus the play(which from what I've read is British). I'm glad you had a fun time with your family. I've been goin' on about how you need a vacay. XD

On my end of things, I'm kinda scattered with things. I did reach the conclusion that I could do the comp sci class AND LPTHW. HOWEVER! My trial of LPTHW ended and I had a Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!! moment. Then it degraded into a Help me....Kirk. kinda thing. I still find the comp sci class murky, but informative. I also have Odin Project sitting there. I really want to do more LPTHW, and Odin is just so damn good. Blah, need focus. I'm also at a point where I need to choose between Python 2 or 3. Not sure where to go with that since most of the resources are for 2, but I can choose 3 if I want to for the Hard Way stuff.

Oh! Been consistently working on my math...but it's kinda confusing sometimes. I'll know something but then read it and not understand the phrasing and get some kinda block. Bleargag. But I get it most of the time. I might post a picture or write what I don't understand here, my brain is funny that way. X_X; Glad you're good with mathyboo!

As far as my mental health goes, it's been pretty bad. Not only did Puer run into a baby coyote the other day and make our POS car worse(the right part of the fender is coming off and attached by zip ties), he decided that it's time to buy a vehicle here and now. Got a loan and everything. I haven't agreed with his plan and was subjected to manipulation, passive-aggressive BS, and brow-beating until I would comply. He got everything behind my back and was twisting my arm to okay it. My name's not on the title, but WA is kinda dumb because it's a community property state. So his debt is my debt. X_X; It's gonna be around 5k when things are said and done, but for the love of what is holy...things were rushed. I tried my best to state my thoughts, but...you just can't talk with these kinda folk.

I feel really sick after I just said screw it because I'm gonna just leave him in the end. After he got my "okay" I was deemed a good person and showered with whatever mock affection they try to give. Needless to say, my anxiety and stress levels are pretty bad right now. I freakin' hate when they stalk you and refuse to leave you alone or stop arguing. Then wanting to not argue with them is seen as "controlling". Seriously.

All this because I thought it was odd that he wanted a 5k vehicle but refuses to get a new porchlight after months of it being dead and to take the cats to the vet. Got a beautiful ramble about how a car is more important than the house(or the cat's health). He's completely refusing to participate in just freakin' life. Last week there was some positivity with him, even my psych was impressed- but here it is. Chaos has to be manufactured. You. Just. Can't. Change. Them. Gray rock has been my friend as of late. Reactive people like that need to be met with no reaction. Been applying those things I posted earlier from those articles. It ain't easy, but hey...I don't plan on staying in this miasmic pond. Little by little I'm evolving little arms and feet to crawl out on.

Been doing some self-care; trying to eat better, yoga, connecting with you and other folks on here. Focusing on my math and programming. Sorry for going on about this... but I wonder how you're doing in the scheme of things? I'm sure there are some very difficult things to sit with or run with in your case. Hope you're taking good care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually, Burkeyboo.

@BurkeDevlin

Was gonna post some pics of the car museum but I haven't been feeling too hot lately. Been a lot of chaos/insanity as of late that's been exceptionally hard for me to cope with. My anxiety and depression are kind of ramped up right now. X_X; Not sure what to say.

Hope you're faring better than I am.

@CaloenasNicobarica Well, I don't know that I am, but I definitely feel for you. I'm so sorry you've had a bad time of it lately. I know you have a lot of stressors on you, and I know that you're working very hard to make them temporary. I can tell you from the outside that you're going about it all the right way, you have a lot of time, and that things will get better.

When you feel up to it, I would love to see the pictures from the car museum!

In the meantime, would you like to talk about what's in your life and on your mind? You can always vent here, or we can grab a room tonight when the kids are in bed.

I hope you wake up feeling better today.

@BurkeDevlin

Meow.

Near the end of my diary thread here: https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/MyDiary_1301/PigeonsNest_80451/

That's pretty much what happened in a nutshell. The post where I decided not to cook due to d-baggery. Ugh, afterward I got punished in the typical N-blob style with him running out of the house and acting like everything was totally "normal". Got ignored the rest of the night which is more of a blessing, really. But I panicked pretty bad, it induced some hormonal stuff and my Lord has the crazy been ramped up. Sky is green kind of claims. Not to mention upon leaving this guy offered his "help" yet again if I needed it. Like... uh? Seriously. I really feel that this fellah's legit padded cell material! It's been really hard to not react to this crap. Holding together a universe of lies takes a lot of work, apparently. c_c; (And OMG the creepy/exaggerated laughs they have)

My pics I took were pretty stupid. XD Not very good ones. Including a bottle of mustard a couple of times. I'll resize them and upload them later- post 'em on here. I'd like to hang out and BS on here with you later, even if it's just a distraction or something. I'll be on here off and on today. Oh! I'll include some of the Russian candy I scored! Consider it a dorky present from me to you from this distance. XD

@CaloenasNicobarica Ooh, Russian candy! I don't think I've had any since I was in Russia. Thanks!

I did read your entry, and it reads to me like you just reached a point where you got fed up with it all. And I wonder if Puer is a little like my ex in that he just can't understand that. Because with her, every outrageous thing she did, she'd forget about the next day (or the next hour) and expected me to have done so, too. So at any point where it all got to be too much, she would accuse me of over-reacting, but to me it was a natural reaction to her crapping on me for days.

I will squat in Healthy Living for a bit. Swing by if you happen to be around!

@BurkeDevlin

Puer sounds like a long lost relative of termagant. X_X; Because that totally is the kind of BS that goes down. And yet as good little pawns you have to play normal in the eyes of these people or else face the consequences. I've heard it's especially rough with people who use a religion to literally lord over people. Hearing such people go on rants about forgiveness for their actions is barf inducing. X_X;

It was nice talking to you last night, but I feel a bit incompetent. lol The thing about the wages... I've read on quite a few of those self-taught programming resources not to get your hopes up with wages to begin with, which I get... even though I'm gonna be educated in that discipline walking out of this. But for some reason, it felt like that fact was spammed. Maybe it's because people my age are expecting to be paid what that gent you newly hired with five years of experience is? Heck, I dunno. I've done job searches and have seen some pretty miserably wages in comparison...but maybe that's because it's heavily DOE. Hard to say. I'm just glad to hear it from you that the reality is much brighter. Heck! My household makes 42k right now. O_O;

There's a lot I need to learn from you still. That PLM confused the heck out of me last night. I know a little bit about methodologies and design processes, but I still need the experience to cement it. I have a lot of trouble with how people ask things... I'd absolutely suck at help desk stuff. lol Think right now I just need to focus on DOING. Not theorizing. Wasted a lot of time theorizing.

Additionally, I'd love to talk finance with you and learn where to start with that and possibly investing. I've learned a little bit from Rich Dad, Poor Dad, and some other stuff. Right now, I use budgeting and spend pretty conservatively- trying to always have an emergency fund. It's hard because Puer has the finances on lock-down and I'm not "allowed" to get an account of my own. Screw him- I'm gonna get one behind his back because seriously. Just no. I refuse to let someone take over that much of my life anymore. Anyway... I have so much to learn and can be so damn naive. *sigh*

OH! BTW! The pics. Enjoy.

From https://www.americascarmuseum.org - 'cept the cat.

https://ibb.co/bL9UqR
https://ibb.co/cQyNAR
https://ibb.co/hrZjPm
https://ibb.co/izTpqR
https://ibb.co/ke02AR
https://ibb.co/k96aVR

From=Taken at. lol Because that quality.

@BurkeDevlin

Candymas!

https://drive.google.com/open?id=17xxpl71HdOvNMElzhaP22eEk_1JeJqRN

@CaloenasNicobarica I can't think of a better way to celebrate our second page. Spaceeba!

@BurkeDevlin

Is that thank you? <3 I don't really know any Russian stuff- though strangely enough, I bought a book to learn it awhile back. Love the way Cyrillic looks.

Dude, dunno if you read any of those later posts in this thread... but I'm surprised you're still talking to me because I feel like I kinda revealed my derp side a bit more. X_X; Have been bullied for such things. I have a bizarre sense of humor to kinda make things worse. Anyway, enough about my insecurities. More about candy!

I forgot to get any pics of the inside of that store since I was pretty anxious that day. For some reason on the net it's hard as heck to find any decent resources for eastern European stuff. If you do find it, it's super expensive and rare. Kept on running into treat boxes that cost around 40 bucks when everything's said and done. For not much. This place I found has plenty of bulk candy, got a pound and a half of the stuff plus a few candy bars and a pirozhki for 25ish with tax. I'm in love with it. I see a pirozhki truck in town when I'm going to therapy- kinda tempted but food trucks kinda freak me out. lol

Gonna make me some at home here. The other day I made Japanese curry katsu rice. Curry, rice, and a serving of tonkatsu. By the divine, it's wonderful. The seasonings are SO relaxing and aromatic. It's a lot milder than other curries- but you can get it hotter as well. I hear you grate an entire apple into the curry as a standard home practice. Will try that next time. Have you made anything interesting or found any new delightful things this holiday season?

@CaloenasNicobarica

Hi! Yes, I thanked you in Russian. I've taken a couple of classes here and there, basically I've gotten to the point where I can read the Cyrillic alphabet and know what a (very) few of the words mean. It does look pretty cool! When I was a teenager my mom visited Russia and brought me back a huge Soviet Olympic poster, which I hung on my wall and spend years not knowing what any of it said.

Fortunately, I like talking to derpy people. And those with bizarre senses of humor. So keep it coming.

That Japanese dish sounds delicious! I can't compete. The best I could offer would be sugar cookies with Hershey Kisses, made with Stevia. And I can't even take credit for them since I barely was allowed to supervise. Since most of my family has left the state and I obviously don't consort with the former in-laws, it was only my dad and stepmother that we got together with (Sunday). They came to exchange gifts and I took them out to eat. LOL. Didn't even attempt a dish. Especially since my stepmother makes these restaurant-quality meals when we go there for holidays. I'd feel so amateur. They didn't even drink my coffee. The word 'mud' was muttered.

I can understand why your school would want to temper expectations. People probably read all the online articles about the market for developers and think they'll have competing $100K+ offers the instant they graduate. I think the numbers I threw out are pretty realistic, though, deepening on the role, location, and organization.

I have access to a detailed brochure a tech staffing firm sent me with salary information, that lists the range for 'Software Developer' at $80,250 - $127,250, with an 18.9% premium over that for the Seattle area. (Thanks, Microsoft!) Take this with a couple of grains of salt, because the staffing firm's data may not include entry level placements, and they may also be fluffing it a bit for marketing purposes. Definitely reasonable numbers with a little experience, though.

Another data point I can share - a lady who used to sometimes cut my hair would tell me that her husband was a developer at Comcast in Philadelphia, and had just started in that role with some internal training. So, no CS degree or university training, more like an internal corporate program, and no development experience (but a track record at the company in other roles). They started him at $75K and she wanted to know if that was reasonable. I told her yes, but if he put a little time in and got a couple of good projects under his belt, he could definitely go shopping for a raise.

I'm happy to talk PLM or finances (or math!) any time you like. I love your attitude - everyone should do what you're doing as far as budgeting, saving for emergencies, and spending conservatively. I'm looking forward to being able to do that without the constant contest of wills. You take that mindset into your new life and keep working at your career, and you will do just fine and then some.

Oh - New Jersey! Is it that bad? You know, it's funny. (All of this to follow is of course my opinion.) A lot of the stereotypes do have a basis. It's not the friendliest place in the world, for sure. It's a very crowded state. The drivers are nuts. And parts of it really do smell foul. Landing at Newark Airport and driving down the NJ Turnpike past the giant belching refineries is positively dystopian.

As far as the quality of life, for a small state, we have places that are the absolute pits, and places that are as great as anywhere else to live. One thing that's sad is that our cities are basically all cesspools. Newark, Trenton, Camden - really depressed cities where you wouldn't go to hang out like you might in NYC or Boston, or even Philadelphia. New Brunswick is OK, but it's a smaller city. Jersey City is supposedly coming back very strong, but I haven't been there in forever.

Where I live now (Philly burbs) is all right. Not a lot to do, and not so geek-friendly, but I'm trying to explore the possibilities a little with my new free time. I'm like a stranded Away Team looking for habitat until Engineering can fix the transporter malfunction. Where I grew up (Monmouth County, central, near the shore), is one of the more pleasant spots (though I didn't fully appreciate it at the time). Where I work (Princeton area) is really nice, and Cape May is lovely, as are some other shore towns.

And if all else fails, we've got pork roll.

@BurkeDevlin

Before I respond to the above post, I wanted to know how your Thursday went. How was the spa/chillax time? Oh, and how was the Bigfoot thing you attended the other day?

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! First of all, I was very glad to read on your feed that you're on a personal upswing. Hopefully that's still the case, and long may it continue!

My Thursday was OK. Actually a bit stressful, and I did not make it to the spa. Basically I got annoyed with a couple of things and decided not to go. I did sit at the coffee shop for a bit and listened to some live Irish music, so some chillaxing did at least happen. My vacation is dwindling, though! I'm starting to get anxious about going back to work. I'm actually at Starbucks right now, getting some administrative junk out of the way. You would like to think that I'd be ready to charge back into all the things I and my company want to accomplish, but to tell you the truth, an extra week off would not go amiss.

We didn't make it to the Bigfoot talk either - kids weren't in the mood. We had gone to Philly earlier in the day, and it was pretty cold. So we stayed home and they helped me organize some comics a little.

I also was going to tell you - yesterday I was asked to drop off some gear and a gift card to my son at my ex's, so I got to visit the scene of the crime.

I inspected the crack in the sink. I inspected the candle, and I inspected the drone.

There's no way that damage could have been done by my son crashing the drone. Now, my last college physics class was around 1991 (mind you, I got an A), but you don't need the formula for acceleration due to gravity to estimate that that little drone would have to have been dropped from about the top of the Empire State Building to make that crack.

That leaves the candle, which fits the crack very well, indeed. My ex re-enacted the collision in slow motion and it's a highly plausible scenario. But - the candle was found on the side of the counter where she'd left it. Again - rusty on the physics, but the probability of the candle bouncing back up to the exact same spot can safely be called vanishingly low.

Ergo, the candle did not fall spontaneously. Someone dropped it into the sink - and then put it back.

But who??

I understand that the kids are a priori suspects. And as much as I want to, I can't completely rule them out, because like many kids, they learned how to cover their own hide before they learned their times tables. And yet - they've both looked me in the eye and sworn up and down it wasn't them. Even after the ex promised they wouldn't be in trouble. And I'm not the best judge of a situation, but I was present when she first called about it, and they looked genuinely surprised. If it does turn out to be one of them, I'm really going to be concerned that they lie so well.

Boyfriend? Mmm….nah. He's the one person on Earth who would get away with it if he fessed up. And I don't know him well, but I'd like to believe he wouldn't let the kids take the rap. He genuinely seems to like them.

I'm sticking with my family member theory. Evil sister. Mark it down.

@BurkeDevlin

Burkey.

Things...

And yes, the evil sister route seems to be the most likely. Maybe I should go consult my pendulum? XD

*sighs* I just came back from my first session of marriage counseling awhile ago. Have stayed up after drinking coffee at midnight. Programming. Catching up on diary entries and what not.

By the Divine, I CANNOT believe how blatant I was in that session. I'm serious. Gonna post some of my diary regarding it.

Gonna be interesting catching up with my psych on all of this.

@BurkeDevlin

https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/MyDiary_1301/PigeonsNest_80451/

Posted the synopsis of the session. Hooo.... the counselor wants me to stay with him or at least attempt this more. I was pretty blatant about wanting to leave. I intend to stick with this, but I must've been pretty assertive about how I felt...since y'know, I'm workin' on my anxiety/agoraphobia before I attempt to divorce. Kinda need a job, right! Even now I'm surprised as heck for how freakin' blatant I was. X_X; Like wow, was that really me? I've decided to be more forward about things as of late. Things are changing. So am I.

How was your New Year? Did you finally get some real chillax time and sparkly spa time? You work a lot. I hope you take time to think, chill, and process.

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, I did read the journal entry you linked me to. Sounds like a pretty intense session you had. Is everything OK in the aftermath of that? I can remember a few counseling sessions we had that got pretty raw, and she was very hard to live with for some time after. You saying in front of the therapist that you don't respect him must have been withering.

It sounds to me like you really needed to get that off of your chest, though. I feel like maybe it was stressing you out to hold all of that in, not to say it out loud for him to hear. And I can totally understand that. The mask itches, especially when you're having to wear it in your own home, when you should be able to be least on your guard.

He seems to have some pretty low self-esteem, and a desperate need for validation and affection. I guess that's not surprising with the family situation he came from. I think it's normal for you to feel somewhat protective of him. There was a time when things were good, right? There was a side of him you did love? It's hard not to remember that with some fondness, no matter what's become of it.

I'm really glad you got to express that. I just hope you're not dealing with undue fallout from it.

My New Year is going OK so far, thanks. I'm trying to make an effort to keep the negative self-talk to a minimum. It isn't easy. But so far I feel like I'm staying afloat, at least. I've been doing well exercising every day. I've set some fitness goals for the year and half-year.

Of course today I got a little extra workout in the form of 6 inches of snow to shovel. The kids were off, and so was my ex, so I let them just stay there. And get this - it stopped snowing around 6 tonight, and school had already been cancelled for tomorrow! No, there's no more in the forecast. But there is 6 inches of snow on the ground, so school is already cancelled. Both the kids' and my ex's. That would not have happened when I was in school, let me tell you! Nor would it happen in New England. Wimps.

Saturday I'm going to a formal tea in Philadelphia. Gonna dress up and everything. I'll have to dust off my charm and social skills. Seriously, hopefully I can just relax and be me. People tend to like me at least somewhat when I can do that. I mean, I'm always polite, but when I'm feeling stressed or depressed, it really does show.

Also, I got a new smart phone, did I tell you? I was told I could expense it for work, so I got the highest-quality model that works with my carrier, using price as a proxy. I took it out of the box and the damn thing is huge! It's the largest phone I've seen since the 1990s. I mean, if my plane crashed in the wilderness, I could stun a moose with this and survive. I'm going to have to only buy pants with deep pockets.

I'm still getting used to it, I have to say. My kids helped me set it up, but I'm having a hard time answering calls, and I get random apps popping up windows that I didn't ask for. The only thing I actually downloaded was 'Words With Friends'. I could easily become an addict. That I am enjoying, but otherwise I must admit I wish I had my flip phone back!

Finally, good for you sticking with the programming even between classes! That's the kind of dedication to your craft that is going to look great when you start going on interviews. Stay of stout heart. Your future will be bright.

Have a great night!

@BurkeDevlin

Hello again, Burkey! It's been awhile. How's life? And how did your tea go?

Honestly, I have a really bad feeling about this. The lady kept saying that she thinks "we have something". I stated clearly that I don't expect this to work, and that I was doing this so I could have a space to actually have a voice. I get that people want to "fix" things and when this guy's MO is "just wanting to help". But man, that dynamic of constant help is crippling to the relationship. My homework was writing down one thing I wanted him to change- it's his insane notion of "help" in that Misery sense where she's helping the author by breaking his legs and keeping him hostage. Seriously messed up stuff.

There's also been some backlash. Irritability, unpleasantness and of course, the mindf***ery stuff aside. On my end, I've been super freaking anxious. Incredibly. I have to start taking my over the counter teapills a bit more frequently now. Last Thursday some mind games were pulled and my therapy session was aftercare for that, ended up panicking and crying my eyes out. My psych has a lot of problems understanding just how warped situations are from Puer. No wonder I have troubles keeping balanced.

That marriage counseling session took me around a full week to recover from. I finally feel grounded again. My gut instinct doesn't trust the situation. The masks, the chess game of an unstable persona, I don't think it's possible for him to come as himself to therapy. Only "good Christian boy/NiceGuyTM mode". The only time I think he might reflect is when I'm gone and living my life far away from him. Which I freakin' intend to.

My psych was saying that I'm channeling my punky, anarchist teenager side of myself. She got sick of the all the BS and went against the status quo to say, "F*** off! Here's the damn truth!" Yeah. Pretty accurate, feeling a bit more fiery than usual.

Anyway, enough about all that. I'm glad you're exercising is going well! <3 OH! And working on the self-talk. A good one, too! I know you'll get it someday. Heck, I'm working on both things right now, but it's kinda flipped. Self-talk is goin' good, exercisin' needs to pick up steam. Hey! Are you gonna do another marathon? That'd be cool!

LOLOL about the snow. If it sticks, then no school over here. So like... 1-2 inches or so? XD It's pretty bad over here. People freak out over just a little slushy snow/rain mix when driving. OMG Drive 15 miles an hour. Maybe they should require the students and families to eat an entire pork roll for not attending on that day? Pork roll. Ahhhhh... TY for that. New Jersey reminds me a lot of Tacoma over here, actually.

Oh, a smartphone! I remember you talking about that. Didn't know they made them all tanky like that still. O_O; Did you say it was an HTX wait...HTC? Really curious what model you ended up with. I gotta try Words With Friends! Is it like Scrabble? Love those games. Heard Freerice.com is finally upgrading and also getting an official app. Highly recommend that. You also donate rice while doing trivia. Win-win! Been playing Onmyoji's SEA version- plan on getting it on Steam, too. Dunno if you'd like it. It's fun, though! Love the artwork, style, and battle system of the game.

Woooo! Thanks! LPTHW has been fun. Caused a stack overflow the other day and was all proud because of the site of the same name. I did something computery! Wheee. XD On lesson 19 right now. Getting into making your own functions(which I know how to do in Java). Caused that overflow because Ms. Pigeon indented all her code, not ONLY the stuff inside the function. Simple problems. Resolved it, learned. Yay! <3 BTW Can you explain about those fearful threads you've told me about? In an explain it like I'm 5 kinda way...maybe when you're bored?

Well, will be on and off here for the weekend. Lemme know if you wanna shoot the breeze or whatever. Always a pleasure reading your posts/chatting with you.

@CaloenasNicobarica So good to hear from you! Yes, it has been awhile, and Im sorry I havent been around on the site more. To tell the truth, I had a bit of a struggle this week, and I appreciate your giving me the chance to talk about it, because it may do me some good. So, sorry if this post gets long, and dont feel you need to read it all at once. Also, if youd like to grab a cup of tea and a plate of Japanese snacks, I wont even notice.

Ill start with something light.

My smartphone. Its a ZTE. Android phone. Ive already had once instance of it running slow and having to be rebooted. Never happened with the flip phone. And all Ive downloaded has been Words With Friends and a quiz game, which I may actually delete because its not as much fun as I thought it would be. I may try the ones you recommended, so thanks for that.

And yes, WWF is pretty cool! I am 8-1 so far. I lost one game to a lady in Nevada, but subsequently defeated her 3 more times. The last game came down to the last move! It is pretty neat playing folks from all over, and yes, its a lot like Scrabble with some slight differences.

The tea. It was fun. It was hosted by the theater group I am exploring joining. Its hard, sometimes, after Ive been social for a few hours, to assess how I ‘did. If my ex had been with me, on the way back to the car, Id have gotten the lowlight reel of every misstep and faux pas I made. It is very, very hard for me - and its possible I am on the spectrum somewhere - sometimes, to tell the difference between ‘they were being polite and ‘they really liked me. And I know I am just not my best self right now, not even close. But all in all, felt like it was all right.

There was a wide mix of ages there, but seemed to be a big gap around my age. A younger cluster around 30 and another cluster around 60. And its interesting because there is the exact same phenomenon on my softball team. We have players from early 20s to early 60s (a couple of parent-child pairs) but only me and maybe one other person in the 40s. Weird.

Anyway, the next day, I had my interview for backstage work with this same group. A lot of the same people were there, plus the entire production staff. I walked in and was greeted cordially, and signed in by the woman on the recruitment committee whod made the schedule. Id met her briefly at each of the recruitment events, including the tea, but for whatever reason we never really talked to one another, which oddly I feel like weve developed sort of an inside joke about. Anyway, she was like, OMG, there are 700 people in there to talk to you. Im sorry, do you want me to go in with you…?

I graciously waved her off. I got this.

I walked in the room, and there were about 10-12 production people arrayed in a half-circle like the Legion of Doom. I strode over and sat facing them. They introduced themselves (a couple Id already met) asked me some questions about my theater experience.

I was poised. I was relaxed. I made eye contact. I had presence. I told stories. I told jokes. Everyone laughed.

In short, I crushed it.

I was basically told youre in on the spot. (One or two people expressed concern about how limited my time would be because of my parenting schedule - which I was very upfront about. So its not a 100% sure thing. Well see.) Some folks outside even casually invited me to hang out there for awhile if I wanted. I cordially demurred. I had the kids that evening.

And I got in my car and I drove home - in the very blackest of black, I-dont-want-to-wake-up-tomorrow depressions.

I mean, I could not have felt worse if Id been told to get lost, to never set foot in a theater again, and that by the way, theyd read my LinkedIn article and it sucked.

My head is a very strange place to live. I am sometimes so convinced of my own total lack of charm and charisma that a large group of people whom I like and respect can react very well to me and it does not penetrate even slightly.

And that was before I realized that the set work in the spring happens Saturday morning / afternoon, in the middle of which falls our weekly exchange of the kids. So I need to get the ex to agree to modify the exchange times, at least, if Im going to be a part of this. Stinks that she basically has veto power over this opportunity for me, but thats reality of co-parenthood.

Fitness update. Marathon? Youre so kind. It was merely a 5K, and any thoughts I might have of trying a marathon dissipate when I do a 5K training run and realize I would have to do that seven more times to run a marathon - and I still wouldnt be done. Whoa. Big props to folks who do those.

I do have my eye on a couple more 5Ks in the spring, though. There are some fun ones in my area and a few farther afield. I think the last one I did (on the road / pavement) did a number on my knees, so Im going to mostly try and stick to ones on softer turf. My knees are a little better, though, and Im back up (down?) to an 8-minute mile on the treadmill. Personal best (from October, before the race) was 7:23, so thats the immediate goal!

My strength training is suffering a little because I seem to have come down with some shoulder tendonitis. Ive gone up in the weight I work with as Ive gotten stronger, but have gotten to the point where my muscles can handle the weight, but my joints and ligaments sometimes bark. Its like with the running. I know I have the strength and the wind to work my way to a 7-minute mile, which I would be pretty proud of - if not for the knee pain.

Reason #74 why it stinks getting older.

Last week. …was pretty rough. I had a pretty bad reaction to some of my exs drama. My kids, you see, and especially my daughter, dont care for some of the house rules here, and theyll take their complaints to the court of appeals, i.e., Mom. Who, of course gladly grabs the gavel, eager for any opportunity to undermine me as always.

So I got to read (over text) how my rules are unfair to the kids, how Im gross, and how Im too cheap to take the kids anywhere, and would only get laughed at in public anyway. And the icing on the cake - and this deserves a direct quote - BTW your recent article pretty much sealed your Asperger diagnosis. It was cathartic.

I know I shouldnt let her get under my skin. She just knows how to play on my exposed emotional nerves like a demented fiddler with a hacksaw. Because deep down I feel like theres some truth to it. That I dont let myself have any friends in part because I dont want anyone I like to be embarrassed by having my ugly, awkward old self around.

Like my only purpose in life - even in my fun creative outlets! - is and always will be to be her punching bag.

I drove home, I took a few sleeping pills (more than usual but not that many) and passed myself out. No one cares. Well, of course they dont. I dont care. Id like to say I felt better the next morning. I do feel a little better by now.

Then of course, theres work - we had a production crisis Friday that had me on the phone till nearly midnight, and most of Saturday to boot. Sunday I woke up with a headache that never did get much better. The kids were here and I was irritable all day. This explains largely why I wasnt around all weekend here - sorry about that.

And sorry to go on so much, and thanks for listening to all that. Im trying in my own way, really I am.

Keeping up the nutrition and exercise as best I can.

Struggling mightily against all of the negative self-talk. Trying hard to validate myself, ‘cause until I do, no one else is gonna.

Before my kids came on Saturday, I did a major cleaning / de-cluttering in the house, just to make my ‘space look and feel a little better. It did help. Really.

Im so sorry that your marriage counseling seems to be having such ill effects. Honestly, I was and am worried about you living in the house with him while this is going on. I know from experience that if ‘awkward is the worst it makes it, youre probably coming out ahead.

Its pretty clear youre not invested in this at all - and I dont judge you for that one bit, please understand. I certainly got to that point in my marriage where I realized it fully - when we tried for the umpteenth time to reconcile and I knew in my heart of hearts that no matter how hard she tried - even if she were sincere - that I just didnt have it in me.

To be quite honest with you, I think it was processing that in my head that put me into the spiral of depression that continues today.

Say 3 years ago, I was actually a pretty high-functioning human being. I really thought I had kicked all this crap. Sure, my marriage was bad and I expected it to end one day, but I thought life would be good afterwards. It feels like a million years ago, but I thought I was going to be happy.

I dont get that vibe from you, and Im glad. But please do take care of your feelings through all this, even the feelings you find there unexpectedly. As much as you may be praying for your marriage to end, its still an ending, and it cant be easy. It may get harder, not easier, when he gets to the point where he accepts at as well, and holy cow, this is real and its going to happen.

I want to say something else about that too. Be ready (emotionally, and with a plan) in case he does realize that and decides to pull the plug himself. Especially since he has some support there, as dysfunctional as his family is, and you dont. I know youre waiting until youre ready to begin your career so you can support yourself (and youll likely be out-earning him at that point). I dont want to worry you, but I dont want you to be at a loose end if the decision is taken out of your hands.

I would love to talk to you about this some time soon if you feel it would help. Ill have some time this week and the kids will be with their mom next weekend.

And finally - I apologize, but I cant remember exactly what threads I was talking about? Was it multithreaded programming in general? If so, Ill be happy to explain a bit more. If Id meant something specific, please let me know.

Thanks and talk to you very soon!

@BurkeDevlin

Sorry it took for ages to get back to this.

Been pulled in multiple directions. As of now I don't want to talk about my situation or "helping" me. I'll deal with it when the time comes. There's not much I can do besides make the phone call when the situation calls for it. But I have to do things in my time. Talking about it won't help. Well...the fixing or helping kinda thing. I'll talk about anything else, though. I do enjoy your company.

Have discussed it ad nauseum, it seems. Mentioned it tonight with the new marriage counselor who is turning out to be pretty badass. Tonight was a huge night for me where I learned some pretty important points. Y'know, I'm really sorry I strayed from this thread... I just didn't know what to say to you. I consider you a good friend, though distance may separate us. The really creepy thing about my situation is I'm essentially moving from the afflicted child mind to the adult mode- where my adolescent self is fueling the fire of change. Pretty cerebral kinda stuff! Like you hear about in psychological thrillers. ...I also learned a key point.

Puer is using my child brain to get to me- where the trauma/emotional response/empathy stuff lurks in order to keep his hold on me. Kinda figured that, and my psych said something similar. However, there's something in the way she phrases stuff that snaps me awake. Essentially, when I'm around him I disassociate and go further back into my mind to that area. Where I need to be is the adult area- the frontal lobe. To learn to be present. It's... really creepy. After that realization and her telling me this, Puer came in for scheduling stuff and I IMMEDIATELY felt that shift and watched her note it as well. This awareness. It flickers. Like some dangling light in a tool shed out in the middle of nowhere. God, it's so creepy to realize this so potently.

She is pretty straightforward and gave me something to challenge myself. Earning money.

The more I shift towards independence and financial freedom the easier it'll be. I've figured that out and been told that by everyone under the sun, it feels like. I'm gonna start doing online surveys and figure things out from there. I actually was fiddling around with that earlier, the site was kinda wonky and wouldn't accept my password stuff no matter how hard I tried and even changed the password. Had to be humble and e-mail the account people about it. I usually figure this stuff out. Eh, could be it's late and I'm disassociating AF. lol

Puer mentioned getting me on nasty prescription meds again. Joked with the marriage counselor how he probably finds it easier to control me on those meds. I was super bad disassociating and out of it while on that stuff. I hate it. My traditional Chinese medicine stuff works out well without making me all weird, I also don't need to take it all the time. Another thing is he might feel weird about being the only one on prescription stuff whereas me, the "crazy" one isn't on any. Either way, not a cool place.

Well...that was a long update. How's life? I read your post ages ago, but like the woodsman watching the fairies play a game... the axe handle rotted. There's a bit more stuff I learned, but I hope you're well.

@BurkeDevlin

Happy V-day wherever you are.

@CaloenasNicobarica . Happy Valentine's Day, Miko! Or as I like to call it, 'Half-Price-Chocolate Day Eve'.

Have a bowl of gyudon I made just for you:

Thanks again for the recipe! I have to say it didn't come out half-bad.

I think I saw in yoru feed that your studies are going well. I hope so. Life here is...rolling along.

Talk to you soon, I hope! Maybe we'll catch up around here this weekend.

@BurkeDevlin

That looks good! <3 I wanted to get out today and score some candy on the after-valentine's deals. Swear that stores don't have the after sales anymore. Just roll out the new stuff months and months earlier. X_X;

I just started my new term earlier this month. Actually, had some difficulties with financial aid that sent me in panic mode. It was really bad. I'm still recovering, in fact. X_X; I just started financial aid this term and I forgot to fill out two forms which gummed up the process, and they put my account on hold. Then I had to work through panic attacks to do bureaucratic stuff. Managed to e-mail people properly even though I was freakin' out and like really bad. I feel like an idiot still. X______X; My first time with this kinda stuff- that's where I miss a brick and mortar college. People helped you with this.

I just remembered. How do you like your eggs? I like mine runny and barbaric! There's this method where you make onsen tamago. Hot spring eggs. They go amazing with gyudon! You put two eggs(uncracked) in a sauce pan. Then with another pan heat up some water to boiling so it can cover the eggs and leaves plenty of the boiling water in there. Make sure to cover it up. Wait 20 minutes. Viola. Perfectly runny. Silky, even! Just crack those suckers onto your gyudon and your golden. In Japan, they dip eggs straight into the hot springs and I believe they have nets for a bunch of them! Anyway, good to hear that things are rolling along. Maybe we can BS on the weekend.

Ciao for now.

@CaloenasNicobarica . That financial aid stuff is so stressful. I remember going through it all in grad school and yes, they had people to help me out, but it was still difficult and the bureaucracy was stifling. So I feel for you, but I'm so glad you got it done and over with. The main thing is, all systems are go to keep your education going, right? What classes are you taking?

Maybe I'll try that next time I make it! I have to admit, I'm a little nervous to try 'runny and barbaric'. I'm just paranoid about getting sick! So I tend to overcook, not just eggs, but things like fish and other meat, just a little. I haven't totally perfected the art of cooking so it's safe but still nice and juicy. I should have experimented a little tonight, maybe, learned a new recipe, but I stuck with the ol' traditional burrito bowl.

Things are OK here. Still at a sleep deficit, but I'll hopefully catch up tonight. Work is really piling on, and I have a trip to Boston this week, so with the kids not here this weekend, I think I'm going to treat tomorrow as a work day, basically, albeit a chill one without emails and calls constantly coming in. Hopefully a chance to get out in front of some projects and feel less reactive.

Enjoy your night and I'll talk to you soon!

@BurkeDevlin

IKR! Having people around for that process is so helpful. It's totally red tape infested. X_X; It's still not done and over with just yet...apparently! I keep getting e-mails about it. Seems the Financial Aid peeps did their job, not it's just waiting for like 2 other loans to process. I got two loans which they broke up to four for some damn reason. Each time I get a new e-mail regarding the process my heart practically beats out of my chest and I start trippin'. lol School's got half of my money, anyway. Oh! Yeah, my classes are Business Management and a class that builds upon that for the Project+ certification. My other two classes are technical writing and a 15 page(got five or so pages done) essay thing for an English class.

Don't sweat it when it comes to tastes and that kinda thing. What's really cool about that process is the egg gets cooked for 20 minutes in boiling hot water(off the burner) so it's not like you're eating it raw. The innards get "silky" as someone described it. Though traditionally you can just break an egg over it and eat it raw. I probably wouldn't do that. Maybe as a hangover thing. XD Have you heard of those sous vide things? AAAARG WANNNNNNT. So cool. One of them you can even link with an app and stuff. Oh IoT. Fun stuff, but I'd wanna do mischevious things with it. Anyway, check out the Sous-vide method and instruments. Think you might find it worthwhile!

You ever catch up on that sleep? Somehow I don't think so. You're way too busy, man. Go do something dorky and chill! Blarg! Oh, it snowed here. O_O; It's all freezy. Doesn't happen where I live very often. How's it been in the east?

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! Thanks for the cooking tips, Ill try that out. Did I tell you I made homemade enchiladas the other week? The presentation still needs a little work, but I have to say they came out yummy.

Sorry for the financial aid complications. For some reason I cant recall, I had two student loans as well. It just added administrative hassle and it was very stressful. Like now I (I almost said ‘we but I have sole title to the house now - tralala!) have two mortgages that keep getting sold / transferred from bank to bank. I live for the day when I will never owe anyone any money again!

Thats actually great that your school is having you take classes other than the technical. Do you enjoy Business Management? Im really glad to see you taking that and I think it will make your work experience…not easier, but less stressful, maybe. Its just nice to have some idea how the organization you work for is run and what considerations there are outside of just product. Im sure my understanding of that played some role in getting me promoted, 4 years ago.

Some people just might be great engineers or QA folks, but if they dont have a clue how the company brings in its money, its easy to get disillusioned when they see decisions being made that dont seem to align with product goals. Its not (necessarily) that management is clueless, just that there are other things to consider when it comes to keeping the lights on. So I think this class will give you a cool perspective! And I know Ive said this to you before, but every engineer is a technical writer in some sense. And speaking as someone who manages engineers, that skill is a massive plus. If someone can write up a design or a problem clearly enough for me to understand it on the first pass, and for me not to have to reword it so someone else can understand it - love it. And you write very clearly as it is, but its great that theyre offering those classes.

Make it snow. LOL. I wish! We actually just had a 78 degree day here. :-( I did get to see some snow, but I had to go to Boston for it. I went up to our office up there Thursday / Friday. I mixed in some pleasure, though - do you remember that woman I wrote about meeting on the street up there in October? Weve kept in touch a bit and our schedules finally synced up, so I met her for dinner and we went to an improv show. It was fun, and the show was hilarious.

I am trying to catch up on some sleep this weekend! I flew back into some ex drama almost immediately yesterday, which really upset me, and I have let this all go on without proper boundaries for far too long. I have just got to get this done, with a piece of paper shes going to have to respect. Anyway, I did manage to finish Season 2 of Legends of Tomorrow (speaking of geeking out a little), which helped me calm down and I got some decent sleep. The kids are here this weekend and we went roller skating today.

In fact I will continue to take your advice to heart and am going to bed very shortly! Everything else is going pretty well - work is nuts, but thats nothing new. I messed up my knee running last month and it is being very slow to heal, but Ive been doing my strength workouts while I wait and Im up to about 160 pounds. I really hope I can get back out on the roads for the spring 5K season, but it is what it is. Its the bad thing about getting older - on the positive side, I got to see a little of the ‘70s firsthand.

How was your weekend?

@BurkeDevlin

Went on a mental expedition as of late. Here we are again. XD It's good to see you're doing well- or at least were during that time.

I do enjoy business and business management. I'm still working on this class- on the tail end of it, actually! After this, it's my Project+ cert. I really need to make some time for programming and some side comp sci classes. Math, as well! It's been really hard lately... don't think I mentioned it but there was this whole episode with this terrible...I mean terrible marriage counselor involving mindf***ery and some other things. I plan on ditching out for the last appointment. My God, how can people like her have a PhD in psychology? X_X; Mindnumbing.

I also ended up quitting therapy with my psych because I didn't feel supported. Kept on being weird about my social anxiety to a point where I felt like I had to lie about it to him. Already have that with Puer who believes it's hallucinations and that I'm off the deep end. There was also bullying that occurred in the waiting room at my psych's place. Some chick kept on staring at me while I was having a panic attack, she even leaned towards me and wouldn't stop staring. Had problems with her before. Her counselor and her laughed at me for leaving. So I'm just so freakin' done with that place. My psych I might speak to again. But it was some utter freakin' chaos and manipulation going on.

Puer's on a business trip to Florida right now so I've had the house to myself. It's taken on a different atmosphere. Way more chill. Been able to focus a lot more.

Though today it's not been so hot. My advisor called and bitched me out about not getting something done. Was gonna finish this class in a month, but with the financial aid stuff and the craziness mentioned above it was very hard to focus. Not to mention funfun C-PTSD/trauma/disassociation stuff. Procrastinating can get really bad and then combine that with sitting in front of a screen and not being able to focus on anything. My advisor wondered why it wasn't done yet and speculated that I'd just not gotten around to it or just didn't feel like it. X______X; I'm almost done with the class. Just underestimated it because all the other d-bags say they can finish it in a week or two. Plan on finishing it this week sometime. I'm getting really sick of my school and their 90+ credits = godliness BS being crammed down my throat. Just because a bunch of people on reddit compete with spamming through things. It's pretty stupid. I make SAP every term. But they're trying to turn this into a diploma mill. I feel like I'm slow, lazy, nuts for just trying to learn. I want to really learn this stuff! This isn't just a freakin' checkbox for me.

Anyway... I hope things are going well for you. Sorry I spaced and floated off for awhile. Gonna try to focus on this stuff again. It's finally turning spring here, how about where you live?

@CaloenasNicobarica . Well, we're getting hit with our second nor'easter of the week today, so spring? Maybe not quite yet. Not that I'm complaining!

We actually went to the Sixers game in the middle of the last one (Friday). We had tickets, but I was still going to bag it, but when I picked the kids up from aftercare, the roads weren't that bad and they were excited to go, so we figured we'd give it a shot. We got pelted with horizontal hail walking into the arena, but the Sixers pulled one out for us.

You have the house to yourself?!? Nice! Enjoy. I remember when she'd be gone staying over with family, and it was like I could finally breathe. Make the most of it.

You're 100% doing the right thing when it comes to taking your time with the classes. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It doesn't matter how long it takes.

I'm still doing OK. I had a really, really nice weekend. There was the game, and then the kids and I worked on the set build for my new opera company, we met my dad for dinner (I got a few extra hours with them because my ex was out of sorts), and Sunday I went to a comic show in the city and then walked around selling ads with some folks from the company.

Today I am feeling a little more down. I've got a couple of major headaches to juggle at work. I'm honestly wondering how long I'm going to make it there. Oddly enough, it was just my 5-year anniversary, and I got several congratulatory messages on LinkedIn, which I thought was funny because no one remembers my birthday, but a work anniversary I get all this love. And even though I had a fun weekend, I just don't seem to 'do' happiness. Weird.

I got to surprise my son today, though, with Imagine Dragons tickets for later in the spring! They're his favorite band, and he was just thrilled. Score one for dad.

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! I wanted to let you know that I'm doing a little bit better, and thank you so much for caring.

Last weekend was pretty bad, but this one is shaping up better. You ever have the flu or something, and then you recover and the virus is gone, but you're still so drained from fighting it that you can't get out of bed? That's kind of how I feel emotionally now. Like the storm has passed, but I'm still getting my strength back. To mix a metaphor.

Tomorrow morning my kids and I are heading out for a road trip vacation. It's their spring break. We're going up to Mystic Seaport, CT.

I took off the entire week, so maybe I can make some headway on getting my life together. Hopefully we can catch up at some point.

How are you doing?

@BurkeDevlin

Holy carp. That's a good way to describe it! And NP, of course I'd care about you, damn it. XD We've spoken so much about all sorts of things, and I'd like to think we've become pretty good friends or at least decent friends despite our differences and all that.

Anyway, I'm totally psyched that you actually took some vacay time! Sounds like a cool place to go with the childrens! <3 The place you're going/probably at right now reminds me of where I live. A maritime museum and we've got the Lady Washington that I've known folks go out to sea on. It was shown quite a few movies. That feeling you mentioned... that's an interesting way to describe things. It sounds like your processing what you've been through. Good to hear. Our body and minds are connected after all, though sometimes I wish they weren't... silly thing to say, I know. When I was in in therapy doing EMDR sessions they said that it was a way of getting the mind to process trapped emotions or memories...that kinda thing. And there was an actual chemical release by getting the mind to process those emotions that affected the body. There were times I'd walk out of therapy after an EMDR session and it was like being drunk. Stranger than fiction stuff, eh?

Again, I want to say how proud of you I am for taking that vacay time and chillin' with the kids! Doing something fun for yourself for a change. Relaxing. Yay! <3

As far as things go for me, I dunno... ever since I quit therapy it's been frustrating. I walked out with the realization of how f***ed up stuff is, and now I've gotta dig my heels in and make those changes while operating in an unhealthy environment. I REAAAAAALLY gotta try to be healthier. My eating habits and that kinda thing... exercise, and general self-care. It can get really hard to do but I felt more motivated while I was attending therapy. It was easier having someone to talk to every week or so that was a professional regarding my situation. Been trying to reach out on here but I feel weird... Also, at university, I've decided to finally talk to the ADA thing and have some kind of accommodations for my social anxiety/C-PTSD. Had my advisor laugh at me and guess that I "just didn't feel like doing" my work. I'm sitting there everyday trying to process things, but freakin' brain fog and sh*t. BLARG. And you already know about the rat race with the finishing half your degree in six months BS I have to deal with. XD Very demotivational.

On the positive side... I've been pursuing programming projects a bit more. Made a web scraper with Python and BeautifulSoup the other day. WOOO! It worked. It's a script that extracts the data and puts it in a nice spreadsheet. Now I'm trying to tweak it so that I can get behind a login and scrape it. Requires a little more work, but it's been fun to tinker with. I think you'd have fun doing this project! I really like the idea of automation. There's a book/site(which seems to be down) called Automate The Boring Stuff. Uses Python 3. Its geared towards people who aren't programmers but want to well...automate the boring stuff. A practical introduction. Been meaning to get around to it. Believe it has a section on scraping. Okay, went on too long.

Sounds like things are going well. You're in my thoughts, Burkeyboo! Much love. *hugs*

@CaloenasNicobarica Aw, thanks, Miko. You have definitely been a great friend to me, and I hope I have done as well by you, and youve got me for as long as you wish. *Hugs*

Mystic was awesome. We just drove back today, crammed full of information on whaling, 19th century villages, and maritime life in general. We had an awesome time driving around in ‘the Batmobile, which is the name the kids gave to our rental car. (Mine is 12 years old with 224K miles on it, so I try not to stress it out too much with road trips.)

Maybe the nicest thing about it was just making memories with the kids. We sat down for every meal together, saw lots of places, didnt spent (much) time on technology, and had fun conversations with the lights out before bed. Life moves so fast when were home, its like we just coexist. This was nice.

I hear you on how frustrating it is to make changes in an unhealthy environment. To some degree, it was only when my environment changed that I was able to make some of those changes. (Many more are needed!). Do you think youll find a new therapist?

Can I share something that worked for me when it came to healthy self-care? I dont want to push advice on you, so just ignore me if youd like. But when I wanted to start eating better, one thing that really helped was to swap out one thing at a time, for a similar healthier thing, and then it just became habit to keep buying and eating the healthier thing. White rice out, brown rice in. Iced tea out, water in. Flavored yogurt out, homemade parfaits with fruit and granola in. Candy out, protein bars in. And so on.

That, and exercise, really became addictive when I started seeing the changes in my body, and started feeling better. You can do it!

Nic, your advisor is a moron. His attitude towards you is totally unprofessional, and dont buy it for a second. I am SO proud of you for working so hard to learn valuable (and difficult) skills in adverse circumstances to say the least. I would not have a fraction of your perseverance. Youre an amazing person and Im in awe of your determination. You are going to outshine them all when its all done. Any help I can give you along the way is an honor to me.

Dont listen to him and dont listen to that six months crap. I wouldnt hire someone who claimed to have finished a bachelors degree in six months. Youre taking time to learn the material thoroughly and doing cool projects like your web scraper on the side.

Dont listen to them, listen to me. :-)

Well, I am off for the rest of the week, so hopefully well catch up! Im going to do what I was supposed to do over Christmas break, and start making some phone calls and putting my life back together. Including a couple of projects around this house. And I may yet make it to that spa! :-D

Love you too. Thanks for everything.

@BurkeDevlin

NP Burkeyboo. Will write on here soon. The financial stuff just got resolved so I'm catching up with some work. Started to space really bad and didn't get much done due to the stress of that and things here. Your vacay sounds fun. I totally love to geek out at museums and what not. I'm glad you and the kids got to get out and do something together. I'm always online or doing stuff with my phone/compy but it's really nice to simply connect without all the matrix-y wires attached, y'know? Hope your Easter was hassle free. Glad you liked the stormtrooper eggs. XD

@BurkeDevlin

You certainly have been a great friend. Been great at putting up with my lack of social skills and all, but also just fun to talk to and all that!

Your trip sounded like the perfect time out from your hectic life. Makes me wanna go out and do something like that eventually. ...my car isn't the best thing, and hell it's currently in pieces right now. lol Them car troubles. RE: memory making. I really hope in the future that there are more opportunities for memories like that. Think we talked before about how making new, positive memories is important when there are so many bad ones from whatever circumstances. Especially crazy ex's BS.

The marriage counselor said that it wasn't possible for anything to happen in my current unhealthy environment. I do understand where she is coming from, but I have no choice right now but to press forward and try my best to build my little health regimens before someone tries to knock them down. There's a lot of resistance, so it makes sense that...

In regards to my therapist. I've spoken to my old psych and have scheduled new times and days to see him. I've been firm about how I don't want to run into the person who bullied me. The crazy was so ramped up lately that I just can't see myself without his support for now. Though, I've dialed it back to twice a month. Puer tried to lure me with some weird financial plan- that I could give up my therapy for more money. LOL It'd just be spent on him anyway, cannot tell you how often random sh*t for his truck is simply gotten with or without twisted justification. Meanwhile, I have to wait a long time for anything. So tired of this, but it's fueling my changes.

The other day I woke up alone and on my futon, things clicked in my head how absolutely screwed up this situation is. Eye opening. Like WTFF did I put up with this for so long?! Think I've had varying degrees of that realization. Tonight, not only did I get insulted about arbitrary knowledge of a stupid series like dealing with some reddit jackass... I've been ignored the entire night. Reminds me of that word co-existing you used. But with a person like this, it's much darker. Basement Child + NPD = not a good human being to live with.

The changes you mentioned are some things I've read about. Swapping out stuff is a good option because then it doesn't feel like you're taking something away. Still struggling with that. My diet has been horrible lately due to stress and the like. Hittin' the caffeine pretty hard lately. I need to add more salads to my diet. Having healthier meal options readily available helps, too. Think tomorrow I'll cook some stuff to use that's easy and healthy. I'm glad exercising has been going well for you, too! <3 Then again, it feels like you've been cool with exercise since I've met you.

Thanks for the inspiration! My goal is to do that switching out stuff, and then exercising at least 4 days a week. You're absolutely right about seeing the changes. After making those changes before, I lost a LOT of weight pretty quickly. So it's totally doable. Feel like I gotta use the Force to overcome a lot of this. I want to enjoy life and be healthy.

Blarf. Dat advisor. X_X; It seems the BS keeps rolling with him. Today he had the nerve to call me while playing a round of golf somewhere...only to bitch at me to do things faster. X_______X; It's so bad and obnoxious it's practically funny. If I didn't have C-PTSD/Anxiety issues. And thanks again for your inspiration, I will def be needing your wisdom while trekking this path.

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to catch up with you while you were on your free week. Hope you got a lot done and pampered your Burkey self at the spa! <3 Love!

@BurkeDevlin

Been hiding for awhile. Not good.

Hope you're doing okay.

Watched a musical the other night and thought of you. It was by the same people who did The Trail to Oregon that I gave you the link for. Pretty talented people. Was pretty fun, hard to keep still when watching something that long. XD I always wander around like a squirmy kid.

Blorf. Hard to believe its gonna be May in a couple days or so. Seems like Winter then Summer. No such thing as Spring in between!

Got an Arduino for my bday. Can figure out the programming thing decently- but the hardware prototyping. X__X; Feel like Hulk Smash with it. So clumsy.

Meow. Many points to your house.

@CaloenasNicobarica Happy Birthday!! How come you've been hiding? Everything OK?

An Arduino is an awesome birthday present! Was it one of those "from me to me", or did your "roommate" come through for once? I hope you're having a lot of fun with it. I should get one of those. And work on it with the kids. They could use a little intellectual stimulation.

At least they got to actually play outside today (while I gave the lawn its first cut of the year). This was like our one day of spring. Tomorrow I have softball practice in 85 degree weather. Pity me. Yesterday I practiced in around 55 and I liked that much better!

I'm honored that musicals make you think of me! Saturday I saw "Noises Off'", which is not a musical, but it's a very funny play. Our show goes up in just over 2 weeks!

Have a great night and I'll talk to you soon.

@BurkeDevlin

TY! <3

Uh, the hiding thing is kinda a long story. I'll mention things kinda briefly, but it deals with my C-PTSD and trauma kind of stuff. Might be a bit uncomfortable to say the least. [BLARRRF WORD WALL]

Birthdays aren't really that fun for me because of a lot of bein' down on myself about things. Like I should be doing more, I shouldn't celebrate because I haven't done anything with my life. etc. etc. ad nauseum. Besides that, memories of my ex-family and friends came up. A lot of memories. Bad ones. Sometimes the good ones that are sporatically there are worse than the ones that were bad for some reason.

Around the time of my birthday we were gonna get some takeout locally and as I was lookin' through the hours online of places nearby I saw a picture of one of the old friends that did a smear campaign of me and was highly abusive and went nuts essentially, sitting right alongside someone who was friends with the guy who sexually abused me when I was homeless. So that brought up sh*t. I couldn't get into my psych or even get him to call me because he was really busy.

So I ended up opening up to Puer and well...he pulled the same sh*t as before when I confide in him about something like this. I withhold info from him because he will make it about him and then proceed to blame me and insert loads of crazy-making here. ....I burst. I opened to him and as I predicted exactly- it happened that way. Which really f***ed with me. He then proceeded to run off to narcissistic IL-land and come back even more nuts. You can imagine how fun that was to deal with. Since then I've gotten my cool.

There was this mechanism that I found with me that I call Saucy Inner Sister, the shortened form! Wrote this letter to myself about how I hid because I thought I was so freakin' hideous yet there's my old friend out in the daylight when....uh...wow. WTF. "By their own standards, they should be executed." They're not very attractive to put it blatantly. My agoraphobia and a lot of my other social anxiety really went over the edge when these people pulled their BS. Not to mention freak-job BIL who is in the same arena and pulls the same sh*t.

Had this awakening, and ended up opening up about what happened about my sexual assault which I'd been hiding for years. The trauma peeps are pretty supportive, and eventually, I did talk with my psych about it. But I felt an awakening. This thing bit me in the butt to do more. Push myself more. Be way more attentive to my health on all levels. And eventually, I'm gonna do belly dancing like I've always wanted to. Always felt I was too ugly/fat/ashamed to after those creeper ex-friends and people said. But when I looked YT there were people of all shapes, sizes, and appearances doing it. Another shock to me. But a good one.

To top that all off, I've avoided my advisor for around a month. Opened up about my issues with C-PTSD and disassociation to the school disability services and am finally seeking out a new mentor who can deal with the fact I have those issues. I've disassociated so damn much this term. Luckily, I have more than enough time. But my f***in' stupid advisor made it feel like I was down to the last minute each godforsaken week. Yeah. He's not gonna understand. So f*** him. I'm just gonna keep pluggin' along. Probably won't take the Project+ exam because my social anxiety is through the roof. I'll at least make SAP. So thats all I need. Been a nightmarish term, 'specially with the financial aid issues and them locking my account twice because of BS.

Anyway. I like the Arduino! But its really hard to deal with. Wish I would've gotten a book with it, because online projects go from basic and trite intro to engineering degree required in no time flat. X______X; Y'know how it is with tech savvy peeps. XD

The Arduino is the only thing that I got that was a follow through. Came with a little kit. The other stuff was round-about geek swag. Which some of it is nice...but its nothing I truly wanted. Got a pressure cooker thing- an instant pot from an off brand. It works and is really nice to have, but it was just annoying because then I was told that I liked this one better. X______X; WTFF. One of the rare instances where I wanted the brand name. His shopping strategy was running around with his head cut off on the day of my birthday and coming back at like 10pm with things.

I really wanted some new tarot cards and some pagan stuff. But that got scoffed at. It was frustrating because he would try to gaslight me into giving him gift ideas. Different from the gentle prodding or inquiry you do innocently when trying to find out what people want. That added another layer of frustration.

Arduino is less intensive than Raspberry Pi, you can do less with it but its better for beginners. I have a LOOOOOT to read about before I take another crack at it. So its to the side right now. Nintendo released its maker series thing for the Switch. Nintendo Labo. Uses cardboard and you can color on it and make robots and such! That might be fun with the kiddos, too. <3 Heck, I know people my age that want it. Probably will pick one up soon. There's a variety kit and a giant robot kit.

How did softball practice go in the near-summer weather? I bet the kids are enjoying the weather. <3 Its been nice here.

LOL Yep. Burkey=Musical theatre. <3 Noises Off, hmm...read about that and it reminds me of your typical bedroom farce kinda thing. Very British stuff. Saw a play like that once and it was pretty entertaining! Sounds like a lot of fun. Hoooo! How is the setup for your show going? Wishing you and your company luck and sanity in the days ahead!

BTW! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-77cUxba-aA Here's the musical I was talkin' about earlier. Very loladult take on Disney and Aladdin. XD Lord, Aladdin is such a creep in that. Hilarious. Think these people are based in Chicago, at least on the east coast somewhere.

Hope things are going well for you and not a lot of crazy in your world! Remember to take a break once in awhile. <3

@CaloenasNicobarica Hello! Softball practice is going very well, thanks, even as the weather heats up. We have one more tomorrow and then the season starts next week. Im super excited to start playing. Also, the show Ive been working on goes up next Friday. I may actually stop by set build tomorrow night after practice, and then itll take up a chunk of the weekend. I dont know what Im going to do with all of my time after this show is over. Fix up my house and lawn, I guess.

And spend more time on 7cups. I miss you and the other folks around here.

Speaking of theater, this past weekend I went to the premiere of a play called, Sing the Body Electric. So Im getting out and about a little more.

Im sorry your birthday isnt a happier occasion. Here on 7cups, I celebrate with you, with no badness allowed! Im not too keen on my birthday these days, either, though I admit in my case its mostly vanity about getting older.

Dont ever be ashamed of what you look like, Nic. Being healthy and all is great, Im trying to get into shape myself and I support anyone else doing it. But cool and attractive people come in all shapes and sizes, so if you want to go belly dancing, make it so.

Ah, off to bed. Be well, stay strong, and Ill talk to you soon.

Love always.

@BurkeDevlin

Much love to you, Burkeyboo!

Been thinking about you for awhile. Lawd I need to be better organized.

How'd opening weekend go for you and your troupe?