BurkeDevlin / CaloenasNicobarica All-Purpose Chat Thread
@CaloenasNicobarica Excellent idea, to find a place to chat so as not to drown the feed with our verbosity, prolixity, and loquaciousness. Picky eater? Me? I just swallowed a thesaurus!
Speaking of the feed, thanks for the kind words. It hasn't been the easiest week or so. I have a lot of act to get together and sometimes it seems overwhelming. I'm a worrier and a chronic overthinker sometimes - in those moods I tend to withdraw.
My daughter can be counted on to vacuum up those nachos. Picky she isn't - nigh-omnivorous, rather. She even eats shrimp and scallops. Brr.
What's on your mind? How goes the math and programming?
@BurkeDevlin
Hoo! You are efficient! Here it is already created. I kinda feel silly for admitting I almost lost the link. XD YAY! Another person who doesn't like seafood, I don't like fish either(they're too cute). Which is weird considering I live in a freakin' seafood capital kinda area. But yes, others shouldn't be eating this in their feeds. Would be too many words to eat, mogumogu. I'm still learning to like mushrooms, so when I see people like you're daughter slingin' sushi or something I feel a bit embarrassed! But good for them!
I feel like feeds are for more like...inspirational and short things. But damn it! When I write, I write! And NP. At least you went out and got social, Shakespeare in the Park... sounds very cultured. Dunno how I would feel in that situation, surreal? Yeah. I decided I'm just gonna walk away in this divorce and take my car and cats. But it must feel quite different to have to bag up their stuff- it's kinda symbolic. Bagging up their stuff so they have to deal with it, sending it back. When I got into those thinky type spirals I usually play a game or watch cats on Youtube. Hear you've been all exercising and healthy! Good for you!
Anyway, before I go onto my own stuff... what I mentioned earlier. One of the hardest things to do was changing. Going for red light to green light for recovery. It required... emotional death. You see, I have this belief that we die multiple times in this life. I've died so many times already. Times when it feels like we could break into multiple pieces. Shatter. And then it creates a canvas for us to work upon. Our self is destroyed. I feel our selves are like a snake's skins. The more we cling them, the more we stagnate. Like the ritual for entry that the Zen initiates have- where they cry, plead, beg, and essentially get mauled into losing their selves are they allowed to enter and pursue enlightenment.
But, you're probably more well versed than I am in these matters. For me, it took looking that pain straight in the eye and not hiding from it any longer. We try to save ourselves from pain...which only prolongs our suffering. It's troublesome. But maybe that's what needs to be done? I know you've got a lot of reasons to keep it together. So I don't blame you.
Anyway, sorry if that was presumptuous or went on. My math is proceeding accordingly, I feel like I can actually work through it and learn finally! Still gotta buckle down and do it, right now I'm preoccupied with my mobile app project. Thought they wanted a simple note-taking app, but when I read the project detail it has all the bells and whistles on it! Hooo, wish I would've known...but I'm making a mad run trying to piece things together and will speak with the professor this week sometime for help. Also, I picked up a bad habit of lying about my courses to my advisor.... -_____-;;; I feel horrible about it.
Ever since that last one who wasn't empathetic I tried harder to cover up my uh... anxiety/ptsd/etc/etc problems and ended up lying about progress. Today I was on progress and lied about finishing something more. Seriously, Pigeon! I will finish that thing today, but jeez... I've gotta end this and will bring it up to my psych next time. Things're goin' good with my new advisor. Though, I think he might've thought I was transgender because I'm a lady that took a male name. Picked it because it suits me and is still quite feminine. Also, since I'm going into STEM and I want to shock the hell out of people when my baby-faced self shows up.
Tag, your it!
No offense meant to LGBTQ+ or anything, I live in an area where I have a lot of misunderstandings due to this arrangement and am aware that it doesn't simply mean adopting another gender's name or what have you and is something much more than that.... just that sometimes these situations happen to me every so often. It also occurs with my age.
I do eat fish. Please don't judge me. 
Just not shrimp or shrimpy things, despite the fact that my daughter seems to have made it her mission to get me to try it again. Love her dearly, but no. Especially not sushi, after a bad piece of sushi cost me a night at a San Diego Padres game once. And I didn't even eat it.
On the other hand, here's my breakfast this morning:
Homemade Greek yogurt parfait!
Yeah, bagging up all of her clothes was like an exorcism in a way. One thing that's been holding me back (I don't even know from what!) is how unfinished the state of everything is. Separated but not divorced, with so much of her stuff still here, with her spirit still here in a way. If I'm going to heal emotionally - if I can - I need to get myself together physically, financially, logistically, get my house fixed up and the way I want it. Those are necessary but (maybe) not sufficient conditions, as we math lovers say. So much of my life is still being lived the way it was when she was here. It's a lot of heavy lifting but that needs to change.
"The Old Man must die, and the New Man will discover to his inexpressible joy that he has never existed." That sounds like the Tao Te Ching or Bhagavad Gita, but it's actually from an old Doctor Who episode. A quote that's always stuck with me. So I get what you (and the venerable Zen masters) mean. About metaphorical death and rebirth. Shedding our skins. And you're helping me explain what I meant when I said that a path of meditation and self-renewal takes courage. It can be so hard to let go of a life even as you recognize it as flawed. You're kind to let me off the hook for doing what I must to 'keep it together', but maybe I should have had the courage to shatter a few times along the way.
Sounds like your school is giving you a lesson in feature creep. Get used to it. Sales-type people do like to ask for their bells and whistles. If you're lucky, they will ask you about it before they sell them to the customer.
Although my softball game got rained out today, it was a good day because I got to apply some probabilistic information theory, which has always been an 'academic' interest of mine, to an actual problem at my company. I liken it to studying martial arts, practicing in the dojo for 20 years, and finally getting to kick a mugger's ass.
Also, I get to pick up my kids tonight! Granted she has them at Mr. Wonderful's house, but I haven't seen them since Sunday. That is way too long.
No softball game tonight, and I still missed the tag!
@CaloenasNicobarica
@BurkeDevlin
LOLOLOL How dare you fail at games today! I don't know. XD I figured you'd be busy with the chil'run. Dayum, it's hot out. X_X; Even with my islander blood I don't do well in this kinda stuff.
@CaloenasNicobarica Ah, I was taking a silly swipe at myself for neglecting to tag you with the previous post.
Kids are finally asleep and I'm about to go down myself. Sometimes I need to play them a few lullabies on YouTube. Led Zeppelin's 'The Rain Song' is a favorite. What music do you like?
I feel for you in that heat. 
I seem to be in a 'hot spot' in that every time I look at a weather map my immediate area is always 5-10 degrees hotter than the surrounding territory. And I don't have your islander blood to even help me deal with it. I have Irish and Russian blood, so no wonder I'm a cool-weather person. Although that hasn't stopped my entire family (mostly) from migrating southward.
Stay cool and sleep well!
@BurkeDevlin
Oh! I see! Seems we both have that mouthy inner critic that spews forth with it's "swipes".
Well, have a restful night! They like Led Zep in general or just that song? There's this 24 hours of the idling Enterprise available that is pretty soothing, I usually listen to white noise stuff before bed like rain. Even though I live in one of the rainiest states. XD I listen to pretty random stuff, like stuff from the 30s, some Metal, Shibuya-kei, and Crazy Ken Band. OH! And Vocaloid! Lately, though I've been listening to classical music and enjoying it. How about you? Classic rock? Sorry, I keep on thinking of this thing where these guys impersonated The Doors and sang the Reading Rainbow theme ICly. lol
Anyway, I'll respond to your previous post tomorrow and link some music. Hopefully, the heat won't wreck you too much! Sounds like your blood works against you. Man! Florida must be a nuisance, though! Blarf. My mom is half Filipino and she was a total coconut gal. Me? I'm pale as a freakin' Geisha. So I guess I just look white with some slight Asiatic features being I'm only a quarter. The rest of my blood is mostly European- like a full-blooded Czech great grandmother and the like.
Hope you keep it cool and your day!
@CaloenasNicobarica Wow, you've got a lot of geographic coverage with that bloodline. No wonder you have such eclectic musical tastes. Seriously, when you get a moment, I would love to get some links and recommendations, and I will listen. Have you ever actually been to Japan? Got a posse there sending you back treats?
My kids actually do like Led Zeppelin in general - I'm doing my best to raise them well, Nic. They (and I) are also big CSNY fans. So yeah, I'm into classic rock a lot. My all-time favorite band is Pink Floyd, their music is just so personal to me. It takes me somewhere where I'm understood. Do you like their music? Or have any other music that does that to you?
I also like a lot of alternative rock, and some of the modern stuff is pretty good. Kings of Leon, the Killers, Bastille I quite like. Some grunge, some metal, some softer stuff. Love Enya, love Neil Diamond.
I have a particular soft spot for anything from the 70s. I admit part of that is nostalgia, since I first became aware of music (and almost everything else) in the 1970s, but I do think I'm onto something. I kind of feel like at that time, pop/rock music became more free and experimental, but it was before technology and data-driven commercialization became big factors. Across genres - rock, funk, R&B, disco - there's that smooth-as-chocolate sound that really makes me feel good. Play that funky music, white boy. When my daughter was an infant I used to rock her to sleep to the Bee Gees every night. When my sister got married, her husband's band played "How Deep is Your Love" for she and I to dance to. She was around 6 months old. It was awesome.
Actually, I think that wedding was the last time I was actually in Florida. No, that's not true - I had a business trip to Fort Lauderdale last year or the year before - but a critical mass of my family has made their way down there. Too hot for this polar bear, but maybe one Thanksgiving or Christmas I'll make it down for a visit.
I actually have to get ready for a phone call shortly - I've tracked this Bluetooth problem all the way from Missouri to Taiwan (I'm like Indiana Jones at the keyboard, ma'am). Have to get on a call with one of our vendors' outsourcing partners' VPs (it's their morning) to try and make some sense of their testing. See what you have to look forward to in STEM! 
@BurkeDevlin
LOL Yeah, no kiddin'! I can totally hook you up. Yesterday I was gonna do it but the heat and then prepping for my sojourn to psych land. Let's see...CKB's Scarface Blues(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHPJDXe2Xic&index=14&list=PLD_c7CE2r-qyR9V9u9E9grbpRdyC0aZ7c) Beware the crappy YT clipshow kinda video. It's hard to find the ones I want to since they're being taken down a lot more nowadays. X____X; Wangan was gone. lolol. Here's some P5, Twiggy Twiggy is so freakin' catchy.(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEdEVVsfJRc) Hmmmmmm... and here's some Rip Slyme for some lols(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-aQT9lsX7I), and yes I do listen to this stuff. Seriously, I love old school hip hop. XD
Nah, I've never been to Japan myself. No real connections. I used to know someone from my church who was full-blooded and was the definition of a yamato nadeshiko. I looked up to her for so many reasons, and she was so elegant and stylish. Her girls were very astute and well-mannered! Even when I was all punk gothish back then. She grew a backbone and divorced the d-bag guy she was with and went back home, though. Loved her! So sad. Lost track of her. Strangely enough, the guy was Filipino. XD I wish I had a connection over there, but I don't. My rather narcissistic inlaws have been there and documented every second of their trip and forced souvenirs down everyone's throats. That kinda hurt- because they flaunt things like that all the time...for that specific reason. I'm over it since they treat people, places, everything like a handbag that's stylish. Meanwhile, the inlaws believe they charted and discovered that civilization. I'm sure Commodore Perry would be pleased.
I studied ancient Egypt alongside Asia and Japanese things for the parallels. A lot of people who are interested in ancient Egypt are also interested in Japan- the old school ones. This new school is more weebtastic, not respectful of traditions or anything like that. I'm not very popular with my family from the Philippines or Silicon Valley. Where my relatives reside. My mom had the chance to move over there and be educated and all that over there- my great grandfather on that side was a general. The family was renowned for their martial arts, beauty pageant, and academic victories. Found that the culture was super competitive and perfectionist. She uhhh, was caught doing her usual business and would not clean up her act. So she basically threw away an opportunity because she would rather be trashy and do everything her way. I've spoken with those relatives once...they never cared to contact me. So I'm just a bastard child kind of thing to them. I don't care. I don't even know Filipino recipes or anything, nor do I care to learn. Most people don't even think I have that blood, mostly I've heard Chinese. C_____C; Anyway, I went on.
Back to music. I grew up with Classic Rock like I said. I don't really listen to it anymore. There's worse things on the radio, like the terrible soft rock or pop stations. Never really clicked with Pink Floyd. I enjoyed the rock opera Tommy quite a bit, but that's The Who. I don't really find very much stuff that clicks with me. Sometimes the madness of Shiina Ringo is nice, and I've found certain classical music to do that. I'm really new to it so I can't really name anything! Interesting to hear your experience with that kinda stuff. What I miss from the 70s is SNL! The new stuff blarf. Wish they had old SNL on Netflix. Awww, family memories....sounds cute. Something to bring up later in life to embarrass them in front of a date? XD
Isn't Florida where you go if you're old? Are they admitting something? XP I couldn't deal with that heat and key lime pie. But I DO want to go to Universal Studios for the Harry Potter thing, I hear they have one in California. Sounds like a better bet. XD Let's do our best to avoid that heat!
The Bluetooth Caper strikes again. Fooo what a distance! HEY HEY HEY! What's your WPM and accuracy? Anyway, this sure does look fun. X_X; Glorious STEM. No wonder Barclay retreated to the Holodecks. Urrrrgh, I gotta get back to milling through stuff for my own development stuff and being able to ask the right questions tomorrow. I'm just glad that the heat is dying down here.
BTW Greek yogurt is amazing. I usually get the plain stuff, I see low-fat or non-fat versions of it but it's kinda funny considering this is a good kind of fat. Like almonds and that kinda stuff. Did you enjoy your parfait? :) It doesn't take much because it's pretty beefy compared to standard yogurt. Used to eat the stuff with flavoring but the sugar in that is crazy and it's like the same calories as a donut sometimes. lol It's also good to use as a replacement for sour cream, and as a carrier for creamier dressings and the like. Find that diets just don't cut and changing the little things and having more healthy options that are actually tasty and available does. Also, taking your time and enjoying your food without distraction. Applying mindfulness to your meal, almost with that French kind of spirit. BTW, if you're interested in a place to start with cooking or looking at materials. I recommend anything with Alton Brown to you. Seriously. Random facts, history, science, and interesting methods ahoy. Also, if you can get ahold of the podcast where he cooks biscuits and gravy for William Shatner and is fangirling the whole time it's totally worth it. Believe he's on Netflix right now. You can also get his books for pretty cheap used.
@CaloenasNicobarica Thanks for the music! Very upbeat and catchy, and even though I had no idea what they were all saying, getting the blood pumping is kind of a universal language.
You have a really interesting background there! Although your in-laws sound like a real pill. I can tell you're just going to miss them heaps. I'm sorry you're not close with your family, and that they haven't treated you well. Almost everyone, me included, has some kind of issue with the people who raised us, or that we were raised alongside, but in your case, it sounds like it goes past that. I understand that that can be very lonely. And I feel sad for them, because you're someone they could be very proud of, if they had the right to.
I suppose in my heart of hearts, I'm a little resentful (no, that's too strong a word - 'disappointed' maybe) that most of my family has decamped down to Florida, kinda when I needed them most. That's completely unworthy, not least because 20 years ago, I did much the same thing to them when I went to grad school in another state and the timing was not ideal. Whatever they may have felt, they never begrudged me, and nor shall I them. At the same time, when I get the 'You should visit' talk, I'm thinking….well, y'know.
And two of them are younger than I, three if you count my stepsister, so I'm sure Florida has some appeal to the family-minded. My mom did 'retire' down there, but the rest of them seem not to mind the heat. *Shakes head* The key lime pie is a sacrifice I could make if I had to. Just as well to avoid temptation, as my nutrition-mindedness grows, though. That just might be my kryptonite. It's even green!
I love Tommy! I had the chance to see it in NYC in the 90s (not performed by the Who, but still), and for some reason I can't recall I did not go. That one's stowed in my large collection of regrets. We can still be friends despite your ambivalence towards Pink Floyd. But if you get the chance you should go see The Wall live. I should go see it; in fact it is coming about 2-3 hours from me later this month, but it's too far to go and too much to spend to do it by myself. Another time. Great music never dies!
The parfait was awesome! I'm now sticking to the plain yogurt as well. Now that I'm starting to make some fitness gains, I'm hungry (no pun intended) for more. So the beaucoup sugary stuff is out. I've even switched to natural Stevia as a sweetener for my coffee. Taste is definitely different, but I'm getting used to it and I don't really drink coffee for the taste anyway. I'm a drug addict. (Caffeine!) I'm working on improving the taste, though. May try the Stevia in my next parfait, or - last night I mixed the remnants of the yogurt container with a little chocolate whey protein. 'Twas a healthy version of something not completely unlike pudding!
Thanks for the cooking tips, keep 'em coming. I'll share too, if I get anything good - I'm on the mailing list of a local trainer who was one of the other dads the year my son did T-ball. Get some good recipe ideas from him sometimes.
I hope you're staying cool! (It is actually low 80s today and not real humid, which is reasonable for mid-summer here. Fortunately for my daughter, whose first soccer practice was this morning already.) How did your meeting with your mentor go?
@BurkeDevlin
Hey, sorry about goin' off for a few days. Been pretty rough. Things've kinda went south and I'm tryin' to piece myself back together again while still trying to keep my sanity somewhat intact. You know how it goes unfortunately. Will try to respond soon.
@BurkeDevlin
Made it back to the thread! Whoo.
One of these days I'll give The Wall a listen again. See if it speaks to me now that I'm older and maybe wiser. Don't think I'll ever be doin' a concert- telling an introvert to go to a party/concert is like telling a saint to go to hell so says Basement Cat. XD I've been to an opera and a play before but stuff like that really kicks up my agoraphobia/social anxiety. I went to a bluegrass festival here when grandma was still alive and liked it. Those songs are freakin' brutal/metal in their own way. But yeah.
So uh....stuff. Seems to be a rough time for everyone. Saw that your friend lost a friend of hers. That really sucks. Why does it seem like the people who shouldn't live occupy space the longest when the folks we love or enjoy die so promptly? Feel bad. I didn't say anything because I'm not close and felt like it would be presumptuous. This morning I did a small ritual to send comfort and loving kindness to those who need it, including this community, yourself, her, and some people I've known. Besides giving thanks for the blessings I already have and the like. It gets hard to show gratitude sometimes when everything's going to hell.
And in my own news that call with the negative professor brought up some things. I was doing pretty well and then- well I posted on my feed. You saw it, I'm pretty sure you commented on it. It planted the seed of doubt and eventually got the best of me. Or should I say realization?
Y'know...my previous advisor only bitched at me when I inquired about this class and barely said anything about the requirements. Maybe in passing? But I never got an explanation or an alternative. I would've definitely listened to one and weighed my options. Don't wanna be placin' the blame completely on that guy, but I feel pretty screwed over from him. If he had it his way I would've had two math classes to work through after I stated my severe math anxieties. Gonna be a challenge to do this algebra one.
Regardless, I'm sure it looks like I'm a chicken with its head cut off runnin' around. In the end, I've decided that I need to focus on my other classes that actually will reward me more credits upon completion- get those out of the way and do my app development if I have time. Otherwise, it's not gonna be very fruitful. This is kinda what my previous advisor whined about. Another option that he totally didn't even think about would be placing another class there and near the end opening up but not adding the app development to my term. My other advisor let me do that, and it's a pretty good way to get an idea of what you're up against.
Besides that, Puer has taken the incentive to be a total psycho d-bag while I'm just trying to keep myself together to do this. I vented about it in this thread: https://www.7cups.com/forum/TraumaticExperiencesCommunity_60/TellusWhathappenedGetitoffyourchest_318/ProjectingBlame_80809/. But I hate the way DV stuff turns out on here and via these text-based communities. I don't really WANT to explain again why I don't have anywhere safe- that my family is completely criminal and abusive, what my plan is and that I'm actively working towards it, that I have social anxiety/phobia and agoraphobia crap to work through before you just shove me out of the damn door. This ain't no typical baby daddy situation. I appreciate that they reached out and all of that. They bring up a lot of good points... but it gets so old. When I simply want to be heard as someone working towards her freedom.
I had one lady who focused on DV control our conversation entirely and didn't want to listen to me truly. I just wanted empathy for a really tough situation at the time. Instead, they blocked me- it wasn't even anything explicit I was talking about. Well, before I spoke to them they were saying they nearly had a panic attack or something needed to calm down. If anything, they should've just logged off. Sometimes these DV types are more trying to shove you through a tube so they can feel happy about their situation with it. Saved another one, yay! But I cannot simply walk out and function right now. I can barely get past the door right now. The worse thing is when they try to blame my psych for stuff and say he might be holding me back. X_X;
If anything, I found that men will actually be more empathetic to me on here in regards to the situation. Sometimes they can be pretty blunt- almost to the point of victim shaming. But it's easier to deal with... sad, huh? Like I got told that I actively sought out someone abusive. I actually sought out someone normal, but then the mask fell. I do agree that sometimes people go for the unhealthy dynamic that's simply familiar. I ignored the red flags because of lack of boundaries/uncertainty. But I really don't need to hear how I made the wrong choice- thanks. I already f***ing know! It's infuriating. Sometimes I feel like it's just best to shut up. I trust you on this because you're dealing with a similar dynamic in what you experienced with termagant. It's hard enough as a woman to go through this stuff, but as a guy, the world says that abuse doesn't exist for men. Which is total BS. So yeah....heavy thoughts here.
I went super negative rantyboo. Can totally understand there are times when it's hard to read that kind of stuff. Guess I'm just frustrated that people can't see that we all have our own unique situations. Just like I'm not a single mom with Prius. But that doesn't mean they aren't valid or they don't exist. Sometimes it seems social worker type folks have whats called "empathy/compassion burnout" which leads to a very apathetic demeanor towards situations- and let's face it... some are more common than others.
But that still doesn't mean everyone should get shoved through a funnel. Ran into these business articles are getting hired for SD stuff, it's all the advice I was running into before I spoke with you about it. The author seemed like a rabid, barking dog. Or like the businessman from the Little Prince. But... I choose to do things differently.
I dunno. Just like people think successful people are those who have dual-degrees work in a certain place and have all the things. Which I simply do not. Being able to sustain yourself is important, and something I'm learning to do- but a lot of these articles act like you've come from a pretty normal kinda place. Wish there were some articles that were out there for people working through trauma or social anxiety and the like. There are some, but it's more from the angle you're a fierce go-getting power seller. So I really appreciate the advice you gave me. And it's really no wonder people swarm to that thread of yours. Heck, I still have questions nowadays... but I've got school to attend to primarily.
Might be needing you and your nerdy self to help with math finally. XD When you're not busy.
Finally feel like throwing myself into the fray with it, wheeee. Mutant radiation radishes!
@CaloenasNicobarica Hola! Thanks so much for sending a little comfort my way - and Halli's. We could all use some loving kindness and I do believe that good feelings have a way of getting around. I'll be sending some back to you right away. I know it feels like everything's going to hell, but if nothing else, you have the blessings of a wonderful mind and personality that have a long way yet to take you.
It means a lot to me that you found my advice helpful and a little different from the norm. That's exactly what I was going for in that thread - trying to give people the anonymous straight poop, and trying to understand that some folks here might face their own challenges in the workplace and in the job hunt. So your saying that really made me smile. I can definitely see your point that a lot of advice on 'the market' does tend to speak to people who've followed the beaten path - those suburban Prius drivers, or their offspring. (Really got to get that blog going, Burke.)
I read your other post a couple of times, Nic. I can't tell whether Puer is actively trying to hold you back, or whether he's just really clueless about how to support you. What do you think? Either way, it must be so frustrating for you when he's kind of all you have and he just can't or won't be constructive for you as you work to make changes in your life. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this, and I can relate because of my own situation, so I'm always here when you need to vent. People here at 7cups tend to be awesome and they mean really well and often they'll do their level best to make someone feel better even if they don't 'get it', which comes from a wonderful place, but sometimes the person really just needs to feel 'gotten'. Does that make sense?
I have spent so much time trying to figure out how I got into this mess. Was I so naive, or did she change, and if so, why? Bit of both, I suspect. I was very naive and insecure, notwithstanding I was 29 when I met her and 34 when we married. She wrote me love poems (and they were very good, she's a published poet), sat in quaint cafes reading Russian novels with me, and made this high school nerd feel like a leading man. If it was all a scam, she picked her mark perfectly. In hindsight, the red flags were many and clear, and I wasn't totally blind to them, but I thought that the 'real' her was the one who'd made me feel like someone could fall in love with me, and the flashes of termagant would fade; that as she changed it would be for the better as she matured.
Ha! The big mistake was moving from Boston to her hometown - trading that social circle for the influence of her family. That said, I don't know if the story would have ended differently had we stayed. Because I do think it was all a scam and she was going to get her way one way or the other. As much of a blessing as it was, our daughter's birth changed a lot. At that point, she knew I'd never walk away. Knew what being a dad meant to me at my core. So my goals, opinions, dreams, needs, feelings - just ceased to matter. I had no 'leverage' and the next 10 years became one long hellish contest of wills. A game of chicken with a maniac.
A year into our marriage and I didn't recognize the sensitive, intellectual, romantic graduate student I'd once clumsily courted. She's long gone. I'm not sure she ever existed. It may well be that she was a fiction worthy of the great authors her professors had hear read, whose works now sit dust-covered and yet unclaimed on her side of the living room bookcase.
Whew. Heavy thoughts indeed.
On a lighter subject - Math! Let's do it!! In return for your lovely mutant radishes, I'd be delighted to give you a hand and a little tutoring if it would help, 7cups style. Here's what I'm thinking. We can do it in-thread - we can do it right here, or we can save this thread for our usual matters weighty and light, and move that topic to Student Support where it might be helpful to anyone else who happens by.
What kind of math is it? If it involves drawings and equations, it might be easiest for you to post a picture of the problem and what questions you have, I can write out some helpful steps in longhand, snapshot and post that, and maybe a Vocaroo link to an explanation by me in my voice if helpful. To work stuff out more real-time, we could chat in the Student Support room in another window. I do work all week, but weekday nights when I don't have the kids or softball are usually pretty open, and weekends I can always find a little time if you can.
Thanks for reading all that. It is nice to feel heard and understood.
Have an awesome night!
@BurkeDevlin
I'll respond to the rest of your post later, I'm getting ready to go to my weekly psych appointment right now. So. Math. I have only like 3 months to do everything in my school term. It's nerve wracking because there's college algebra sitting there. I need to get it done, but dayum. All that trauma and stuff- so I'm focusing on getting my other courses done so I can at least be in good standing next term for financial aid since I'll be getting loans this time. I really want to do math, and get over this silly fear. Earlier I tried doing it and they threw in some stuff they didn't even explain or address- maybe hinted at and I nearly cried. Urgh.
I'm really hating that previous advisor because this late in the term and I wasted a month or so because of him- now I MIGHT NOT be able to switch out my classes and there will be a crazy rush to get them done. Do you think I have grounds for some kind of uhh leniency on that? Because if I don't make the SAP I'll lose my student loans/grant stuff. Blarg. So math....
It's college algebra, the thing I'm doing right now is getting into the graphing stuff on the coordinate plane. I get how to do it and how it functions- it's the equations that they just threw randomly in there. I know I'll have to be doing them and all... I'd access my math thing right now but I think my advisor's working his magic and gettin' that course switched out. Basically, the equations like 4x + 4y and assuming x is 2 something something. URGH. Blarf. Then they threw in fractions for no reason. Don't see how that correlates to the graph. When it's functioning I'll screecap it.
Anyway, I'm on most days whenever. Except for Thursday when I leave at 5pm PST and am out till like 9 or 10pm. Weekends I'm usually free, as well. So, you're 3 hours ahead, if I remember correctly? And what days are you softball/kidletts usually around? BTW, I like your idea of having it in the Student Support section. That way everyone can see it and doesn't have to muck through our esoteric back and forths over here. XD Thanks again for doing this. I might not be able to finish that class in time, but it's still good to learn. BTW Do you have any math books that are good on this subject and present it in a logical, understandable manner? I'll probably buy a book before I do this class again- really think the stars are pretty bleak on it.
NP. A lot of what you wrote sounds so close to my own story with Puer. I extend the same invitation to you. If you wanna rant or just talk through stuff, seriously. I'm around. I can also share some stuff I learned in therapy in regards to the situation or certain actions- might prove beneficial for your own healing or closure. Might even propel you to seek a shrink yourself. XD All in due time. And if you need help finding one, I know some tips and tricks on the matter.
Hope things are going well, and remember to rest your damn self. Sit down and watch some mindless MST3K on Netflix or something. <3 You've earned yourself some rest!
@CaloenasNicobarica I hope your psych appointment went well, and I hope you can get some relief from your advisor. They really, really ought to work with you since it's their responsibility to help you through this curriculum. Obviously you need to learn the material, but they're supposed to be on your side, facilitating things.
I'm looking forward to working with you on your math! I am indeed 3 hours ahead, on Eastern Standard Time. I actually only have a few softball games left! One is next Wednesday, and then there are two rainout makeup games towards the end of August. Then the playoffs if we make it, which I think we will - though not at a very high seed. I think we are 4-8. Hey, we have fun! The kids' schedule is so complicated and subject to tradeoffs as to almost be random, especially in the long term. They are not here tomorrow or next Tuesday night, and I do have them this weekend, but life's a bit more flexible on weekends.
Hmm…can't think of any college algebra books I can particularly recommend. I will think about it and let you know if anything comes to mind.
Thanks so much for the offer! I may well take you up on it, and it means a lot to me. And - I'll take that as an order, and queue up a little Legends of Tomorrow before bed! My damn self is heading to rest - yes, ma'am!
Talk to you soon. 
@BurkeDevlin
Hoo, did my experiment today and labeled stuff. Took some pictures and now I'm gathering my sources and getting started with the paper. Should be short, it's pretty clearly labeled. Only requires two sources min, so that's good. Now I'm just sittin' down with my mocha yerba-mate milk tea and some snacks before I continue on.
I sincerely think you could be a consultant or do advice for people who struggle with these issues. Maybe garner corporate awareness for such things as well. Like as a side business or something you bloom into a full-time thing. Via your blog, or whatever you want or plan to start. People need to hear this side. Too often I'm slapped with either far right stuff, like that one dude I mentioned. Or far left stuff where it's embracing victimhood. Somewhere in between your info lies. A place where you can be empathetic to someone's situation, but encouraging- not in that stupid pep-talk kind of way. While still placing belief in their personal power, and also acknowledging people's limitations and what they have to work with or work towards. So I think you'd be a good for that. Maybe one day I'll be a success story of yours. XD
In regards to termagant. Puer started out similar. This charming, sensitive type of person. Chivalrous in a way, and shy. Romantic, even. There were certainly red flags, but they didn't happen as often as they do now. But they were pretty blazing. Now, he just lays on the couch trashing his health- being a lazy, whiny brat about everything. Never goes anywhere, does anything, will listen to anything, or lift a finger around the house. He's also pretty disturbed in the fact he runs away from intimacy, every form. To put it bluntly, I'm practically still a bride after 5 or 6 years of marriage. If I want anything of the sort, I'd have to go outside of the marriage for it. He freaks out if I even ask for anything of the like, and well... it's not worth it in the end. He's not very healthy on many levels. I'd say we're not even roommates- more like acquaintances. I don't even sleep next to him anymore.
Asked my psych about this stuff, he basically said that Puer has no mature coping mechanisms or knowledge of how to even deal with emotions. Like none. So he grasps onto disassociating and tantrums because he literally cannot handle anything or deal with anything. Emotions, especially. It's like a screaming baby. "He basically found a way to turn himself into a walking corpse". He goes to work, then comes back and disassociates for the rest of the day. Video games, Youtube, Netflix are where he lives. It's either that or his usual bratty passive aggressive self or a tantrum. They call this kinda stuff ambient abuse because it sets the tone and the mood for the relationship- it's just kind of there. Like you can't place a finger on it, but something's clearly wrong.
Anyway, I heard termagant's up to her usual things. Figured she'd ask for more money. People like that often go by a damn script it seems. Reminds me of my aunt a lot and my mom. Not good people. I'm sorry she's up to her usual hijinks. Don't work yourself too hard and thrash yourself over it. I'm glad you use exercise as an outlet, but please take care of yourself.
Good luck with your softball! <3 Fun is what matters! And hey, you get to socialize and what not. That's good, too. I wish your children didn't have to have such a random schedule. That sounds unnecessarily chaotic. Though, I doubt it was you who wanted to enforce such chaos. I'll probably be working on finishing up this paper tonight, but I'm okay to BS and the like.
OH! I thought of a good place to start for semi-healthy recipes. Cooking Light is a good source, and a magazine you might also be interested in. I use their recipes every so often. Yeah, there's some kale stuff and what not, but most of it is actually tasty and lighter variations of higher fat foods. A pretty good variety of light recipes, I'd say. I highly recommend a base cookbook like the Taste of Home cookbook for if you're just starting. Something that has really basic stuff. Then jumping off and getting like Alton Brown's stuff or the lighter kinda recipe books. Just depends on where you wanna go with it. I saw an Alton Brown book- hardcover, goin' for like 44.00 dollars. X_X; there's like 7 of them! SOB. Anyway, first world problems. XD
Hope you got some rest last night. Will you hear from ya later.
@BurkeDevlin
About ambient abuse. It's also stuff like gaslighting, history rewriting, truth twists, and basically the gamut of covert behaviors people like this use. Know for a fact we've both dealt with these on some level.
@CaloenasNicobarica Professional 'straight talk' career advice consultant? Hmm. You know, when we first moved here and bought this house, and sunk lots and lots of dollars into it unexpectedly, I actually did some math tutoring locally to make extra money. A lot of my clients were actually adults continuing education. Some teenagers. I've been pondering getting back into it, not so much for the money - though it helps - but even just to get out and meet people. I've honestly been too bitter to interact with people much, especially meet new ones, but m-a-y-b-e the tide is turning a little. What I thought I might do is work on a 'tips' basis since I don't really need so much money now. Someone would pay me based on the value of the session and what they could afford. Maybe I could toss the extra towards some of those cookbooks.
That kind of thing might work with career pointers as well. I might start talking that up among the (few) people I know, especially with the school year starting up. I'm actually signed up for a career fair at my alma mater in September to critique students' resumes. You've got my brain spinning. Thanks for the idea! (And you will definitely be a success story! You've got everything it takes. I'm buying your stock.)
The story of your marriage reads pretty sad. Puer is going to wake up one day and realize he lost a lot of good years (not to mention a good woman) in front of that screen. I'm very sorry you're not happy, but you have plenty of time. I did the acquaintance thing, too - when we weren't downright foes. The thing about any kind of intimacy is - maybe this is not a typical guy thing, but for me there has to be, not even love, necessarily, but…'like'? Peace? Any way you slice it, it's rough to be in that 'ambient abuse' environment. Like I said, though, you're going to be a turnaround story in every way.
Oh, the money. So I have been on her health insurance, but my company changed providers and had open enrollment in June / July. I told her about it and suggested that I take the opportunity to get on my company's plan so it's one less thing we have to manage in the divorce. She agreed that I should do that. Demanded I should do it, in fact. Nagged me about it several times. So, I did it. She asked me for a letter certifying my coverage and I gave it to her.
Now her school is apparently telling her they need a divorce decree or whatnot to remove me from the plan, and it's not as easy as she thought. So I get a series of calls and texts freaking out about 1) the cost - she wants to get reimbursed if there's a cost to her because I 'did all this without telling her' (false - see above) and 2) the fact that it may reflect badly on her at work. As usual, she's overreacting and creating drama where there needs to be none, but what bothers me is that she is trying to bully me into coughing up by forcing a false narrative down my throat.
Cooking Light - I've seen that magazine! I'll check it out, but here's my question. Does it have higher-calorie recipes where the calories are coming from nutritious sources? Part of my dilemma as I explore nutrition is that so much of it is geared to 'eating lighter' or weight loss. Excess weight is not my problem. I'm actually shooting for a manageable caloric surplus so I can add - say 10-15 pounds, of muscle, of course. I'm about 6 feet tall, weigh in the low 150s. So I don't say this as a disingenuous brag - I really am too skinny. I've been doing some strength training, so I like to think that this past year, I've upgraded to 'fit runner skinny' from 'pencil necked geek skinny' (or 'cancer patient skinny', as my ex used to say). Last time I was on a plane and had the window seat, I was delighted to find that I could rest comfortably against the wall without feeling my shoulder bone against it.
So when I'm out and stuff - I want to order the salad for the nutrition, but I want the calories of the loaded burger. Without all the 'bad' fats and sugars and stuff. Those are the kind of meals I'm trying to learn to make. But I'm a novice in these matters, so I'll be thrilled to follow your suggestions and pointers to books and what not. Thanks!
Good luck with your paper! Talk to you soon.
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, if you happen to get this, I'll sit in Healthy Living for 5-10 minutes or so if you wanna take a break. If you're in the groove, talk to you another time soon!
So, for the middle picture. Pay attention only to the crappily highlighted parts. XD
https://ibb.co/guR3Ma
https://ibb.co/e9iTnF
https://ibb.co/kPZOMa
So. Here's some links to the images. The first hexagram was 49 which changed to 5. Revolution to Calculated Waiting. Also, the second and fourth lines were changing- and have special text which was...well highlighted in that derpy way.
Don't mean to link spam this thread. I was looking around on Cooking Light, and while yeah- lotta weight loss-centric kinda recipes. With some digging, there are some actual decent meals.
http://www.cookinglight.com/food/everyday-menus/quick-easy-beef-recipes
These are pretty simple and not weight loss focused. I know I mentioned it before, but this gives a better idea of what they actually have than the front page caked with 400 calories or less everything. Or simply diet this and that. You can use basic recipes for finding a nice, then making healthy substitutions. Like for pasta, you can use whole wheat varieties instead of the typical kind. Protip: Soba noodles are cheap and are a pretty good substitute for stuff like spaghetti.
If you want basic basic. There's French cooking in 10 Minutes. Short, sweet, to the point. Teaches you the basics of cooking stuff like sauces, soups, and what not. It's a bit dated so you'll have to adjust for stuff- but I absolutely adore the general tone of the book. Reminds you to enjoy your meals and live simply. Heck, that book led me to reconsider my habits and lose weight naturally. Gettin' back on that kick.
@CaloenasNicobarica Thanks for this! I hope you had a great day and that the report is coming along nicely, with assistance from your cat.
My kids and I had a sock matching party today. Large box of clean socks, snacks and music (some White Stripes). What else could you want on a Saturday night?
@BurkeDevlin
What a cute Saturday night.
My report is kinda to the wayside right now as I recover from some stuff that happened. Not due to Mr. Kitty or anything! He's been great! Kinda had some insanity go down over here. One of the reasons why I haven't really been around... Got an ear infection, and to top it off puer sees my sickness as an opportunity to lash out at me. So basically, I was in severe pain trying to get him to leave me alone because he wanted me to schedule a doctor's appointment- which I can do on my own. Nearly called the cops on him. Blocking exits, stalking, stomping, screaming, accusing, claiming to be my husband and treating me as an item thus- "putting his foot down". Yeah. Insane, much? How the hell did I put up with this crap? It's like I'm just waking up from a coma.
Needless to say, my report and experiment aren't in good condition. I missed a day on documenting stuff. Gonna fudge it, because whatever. I'll do better another time. Now's not the time to just restart that. I'm recovering from this stupid ear infection today, but I plan on getting things in alignment again and rushing into my other class- but I need to not rush too much. Planned on finishing it on the weekend or Mondayish but things. Feel like I need a LOT of self-care as of late. And by whatever is Divine, why can't you bless the good people with a million or so bucks and a good mate? Not the most mentally unstable from Satan's toybox! /statement>
@BurkeDevlin
Apologies for the insanity, aside. I forgot to ask about your daughter's game! Did she win and revel in some FroYo? :) Your sock party sounded like good clean fun. Glad that such delightful little memories are being created. Certainly helps balance things out. Hope you're doing okay, it seems like if you got sick you'd still be gettin' calls from work every few hours. But you seem like a fit, healthy kinda guy which is good! But anyway, how's life?
I just remembered! The math thing! You mentioned it before again and I derped. X____X; Next week or weekend I'd be up for finally starting my study sessions with you in the Student Life section! That is, if you don't have to go on some business trip or have other obligations like running a marathon and whatnot.
