Bird's Nest

Things have been really hard recently.

TW: SH, Relapse, ED, Death, Cursing

So on April 24th, was the day I turned the exact age my cousin was when she passed away. The same amount of years, months, and days. Now I am only getting older than she ever got to be, which I find unfair to her.

On April 26, I relapsed. I had been 15 months clean, and I relapsed. I'm so disappointed in myself. I told one person that I had relapsed, and he went down to tell the counselors. They called me down, and because I had done it during school, and still had the tool on me, they called my mom. I was so scared and really mad at that friend. But things are okay from that now, kind of. I appreciate what he did now, but now I can't have my door closed or be left alone. I also can't go to peoples houses or have people come over. But that's fine I guess.

On May 3rd, I left to go to an FFA State Convention. I had a lot of fun, but there was a lot of damage as well. This girl (Who I will be calling Marley) has been talking crap about one of my friends, Elliot. Marley was my friend, but she likes to make fun of me and says that "it's just a joke" but it's clearly not. It's not a joke when you make fun of someone's singing, or laugh, or what they are wearing, constantly. It's not a joke when you made me cry three times, just in one day, with your hurtful words. It does not help that two other, now ex-friends, joined in (Who I will be calling Kylee, and Venus). I was away on the trip for nearly three whole days. I don't have a single picture with the three of them, because they do not care about me.

Elliot, however, adopted me under his wing. He let me follow him around, and hang out with him during our trip which was nice. But I kept messing up, I think. He has an ED, and I originally gave him Cheerios, because the restaurants we were going to, didn't have much food he would eat, but then he gave them back to me. I tried giving them to him, but he told me to stop forcing him to take them, which hurt. I didn't mean to.

On Monday (May 8th) when we were back at school, I had been wearing a shirt that had a picture of my cousin who I previously mentioned. Marley made fun of it, by saying "Look at River's shirt.." and Kylee replied "Omg, I thought it was Jesus" and they kept talking about it. It really upset me, so I sent Marley a link to the news article about my cousin (because yes. Her death made the news.) and she goes "River, what is this?" and shows everyone else at the table. I told her, that she was so concerned about my shirt, and now she has her answer. She goes "I didn't say anything about your shirt." I told her I heard her say stuff (I literally sit right across from her) and that I'm over her being a ***.

Marley then said that she never said anything about me, to which I said "So we are telling lies today." She then said the best thing ever. "A bunch of other people stay stuff too that you don't know about." ...

Too? First of all, you just told me you don't say stuff about me, so why did you say "Too" ? Also, why do other people talking about me, make you allowed to talk about me? Especially since I considered you a friend? I know people talk about me. I've been talked about for years. If I didn't know that, I'd be the dumbest person alive. But that doesn't make it *** right. I haven't talked to her since, or Kylee and Venus.

They all soft-blocked me on socials. When I saw that I freaked out. I had (Still am having) a really bad spiral. I removed all my followers and unfollowed almost everyone. I blocked a bunch of people, and deleted many contacts. Anthony (The person I've talked about in my Birdbath forum, that I have a crush on) has been trying to help, but I think I was finally able to push him away.

We went back and forth over text, and I figured out the only way he will leave me, is if he thinks I hate him. If that's the only way to push him away, then so be it. We haven't spoken in over 12 hours, since I yelled at him. I feel bad but if he stops caring about me, it won't hurt him as bad if I do something to myself.

Yesterday, my bird got out, and my soda exploded which was not fun. I haven't had a single day this week that has been good. At the convention we were told by guest speakers to "Find the little bit of good in a bad day" but I don't care about that good. It doesn't matter when it's only getting worse, and there is more bad than good. There is no point.

Anyways, I will come and update this later maybe. We will see. Sorry this one is so long, but I haven't posted in a while, so there was a bit to update.

Hey guys. Long time no update. Heres everything thats happened. Not that is nearly 4am and im so tired so bare with me here lol.

School has started. August 22nd. Today (Aug 25th) is me and Ant's (Anthony's) 3 month and I *** hate myself because he's a card gambler/magician and I'd love to gift him cards but I have no way of getting them. Some *** friend of his who is also a magician sent him a box full of card decks all nearly new or at least gently used. The joy and happiness in his voice made me so so happy. But there was another part of me that hated myself because I don't have a way yo get him that. I don't have much money. I don't have access to my bank account. I don't have access to a car to go places. And I don't have access to amazon or any other website like that. I told him this and he doesn't want me to hate myself for it or anything, but how can I not?

I've started starving myself sometimes to help us make ends meet because we don't have much money. I don't eat much anyways, but my two sisters do, so if I eat less, they can continue to eat more until my mom finally goes to the store. Ant knows I haven't been eating regularly recently and I can tell he's getting more and more concerned, but I refuse to tell him why its happening or how long I keep doing it, because I don't want him buying me food like he's threatened to do before. I know he means well, but I don't want him to have to pay. I'm trying to save everyone money.

Speaking of which, he wants to get a job so he can start saving up. And he only wants ajob because he wants to be able to get me out of this house as soon as I turn 18. I give him *** for it, but I've also admitted how grateful I am for it. I had no chance of moving out until now. Not for a while anyways. I was going to take a gap year and try to get a job as an adult so I didn't need my parents signature on a work permit, so I can move out, and now I have him and he said he wants to help no matter what. He said if we break up he wants no bad blood and I 100% agree. But then last night he said he was going to pay for all the important *** (rent, food, bills, etc) and when I start living with him and I get a job to just buy card stuff. Which I know is expensive but I want to help with other things. I can't let him do that all on his own. I know he's only doing it because of my mental health and my wanting to go to college, but still. Idk.

He's realizing how abusive my mother is, and trying to get me to understand the extent of it but idk because I don't fully see it. like I know victims normally see their abuse as normal but I feel like this is different. I just don't know.

My mother also isn't letting me see him at all until she puts me on birth control. I'm so upset because I haven't seen him outside of school in nearly a month, and I've only seen him at school for at most ten minutes the past three days of the school year. Today should be longer tho because there is a pep rally and he said I could sit with him and idk why I asked cause I knew he would say yes, but part of me is too scared not to ask. Because what if I just do it and he has other plans? That terrifies me that I'll mess up.

I've think I might stop telling him things my mother does. He's getting more and more upset and I know it's not at me, but it still scares me. I love him so much tho and I'm so glad he's in my life. I'm so proud of him and I think I'm starting to realize how much he actually cares about me. He's changed my life in so many ways, and I don't regret any second with him.

Anyways. I know it's been a while, but I needed to catch you guys up because this has been something I've wanted to get out for a while.

TW: Slight Mention Of SH, Mention Of Ab*s*, Slight Mention Of Death

I'm so angry recently. With everything.

I don't know why it's happening. It used to be that when I was on the verge of a break down or on the verge of hurting myself, I'm typically crying because I'm sad and distraught. But now? I cry because I'm angry. All I feel is anger recently and I hate it. I hate that I'm so angry now. I don't want to be. I'm angry Audrey is dead after five years of only being sad about it. I'm angry about the abuse I go through daily even though I used to cry myself to sleep instead of overthinking in rage. I'm so angry and irritable.

I had to hang up on my boyfriend last night, because I was just so angry, not at him, but at the world, and I didn't want to lash out on him on accident. I ended up try to go to my counselor yesterday because I was just so agitated and stressed, but he was in a meeting and I ended up having to go back to class. My mom is constantly saying stuff negative about me and being super controlling. I've always wanted to leave this house as soon as I could. I had made a plan to take a gap year before college, and get a job so I can start saving for an apartment and leave this place. But now I might have a better chance.

My boyfriend is a saint. He understands what I'm going through is hard and has talked to his family. His mom is 100% willing to take me in. He's promised me that he will get me out of this house. We've been working on a plan for it. He's going to talk to his teacher about getting placed for a machining job, since he's still in school, and he needs permission. He's gonna start saving up so we can live together.

I'm working towards getting my license now, so that I have a way to drive before I move out. I'm also working on keeping my grades up, so my mom is more willing to let me get a job. She said she's all for the idea, but she wants to talk about it at a later date. I have to take a knowledge and vision test to get my drivers permit and I can actually learn behind a wheel, but I'm not sure if I'll pass my vision test. But worse case scenario, I have to schedule an appointment with my eye doctor, so I can get new glasses, as I haven't worn mine in years.

I also need to get all my medical, birth, and school records, and go through all my things to determine what I absolutely want to bring with me. Like what things can I fit with me if I end up with having to share a room, or no room and very little space.

I really just hope I can make it out of here.