A rant That might or might not be triggering.

i dont know what to do.

heres the thing.. im married and a month after moving in with my partner, i found out i am pregnant...

if you already know me, or have seen my posts im a person that has a ton of problems. alot of issues. possibly depressed with anxiety.

i am not a positive person and i really didnt want a child. i didnt want to bring a child into the mess i am. i tried not getting pregnant, i really tried but it takes two to have a child.

when i first confirmed at the hospital of my pregnancy status i was already suspicious of it. i didnt want to be pregnant but at the same time i was terrified of not being pregnant because i might be letting my family and inlaws down. which in case it isnt clear im a huge people pleaser. (comes from having a father that put a price on every little form of affection or something of that sort.)

i felt extremely bad for not being happy of the existence of my child and for having to bring a child into this world for these reasons. so my way of coping is thinking of myself as a vessel to bring the child to earth and guide them from the wrongs and into the right path. and also telling myself im not the only person with unresolved problems that became a parent.

but i also i dont want to be the reason for causing the world to have one more fucked up individual in it.

apart from that i feel very stressed at the idea of giving birth. i am terrified and not to mention the idea of being able to keep the child healthy and alive in my body is even more terrifying and i know that im not the first person in this world that has become pregnant. but im scared of mistakenly terminating the pregnancy because of my stress and my lack of food consumption (i find it hard to eat anything because i dont like any of the food at the house and im not the kind of person to speak up and tell her partner she wants this and that because of my personality (again developed as a result of having a father i wasnt able to talk to when i needed something), even though i know he will listen i just feel bad demanding things i want. it isnt that i cant eat the food at home but i dont want to. i dont like it. it makes me wanna puke even though i cook it) aside from food, i also hardly sleep. i am scared that these conditions will not be suitable to grow a human being and i dont know what to do. and it is easier to say to do it for the child but it is hard doing it.

everytime i find myself stuck in a small problem, i find myself panicking as usual. like say i have to tell my partner rice or bread finished, i start getting anxious (he isnt a bad person and the wedding was arranged/forced by my parent) or say i mistakenly over used the detergents in washing dishes and cleaning, i dont know where to begin and say we need more of it or it has finished.

and when i start panicking over these small issues and i am self aware so i instantly know i am panicking over some small stupid thing. and then i think to myself "is this really someone that can bring a child to earth and raise them right?" or "you really think you are deserve becoming a parent? why did God choose you?" then i instantly start crying over being a shitty parent already and possibly not being able to fully grow a healthy child inside me talk less of when the child comes out to earth.

i honestly try to suppress the emotions and try not to think too much but it is really hard. the amount of times i cried as i typed this is something i am unsure of.

i just wish God can take me away and i wont have to deal with my existence.

anyways, these are thoughts that run across my mind on an almost daily basis and im worried the stress might lead to me having a miscarriage and the thing im most scared about is the idea of how many people would be disappointed in me and since the chances of miscarriage happening because of my actions and stress and whatnot it will be my fault and then i will be blamed for it and my inner self will take it and use it to weaponize it against me when it kicks me down as usual probably when i am going through my usual depressive modes. AND THE FACT THAT I AM THINKING THIS WAY MAKES ME HATE MYSELF EVEN MORE. What kind of person thinks this way GOD!.

the one thing i dont want to do is burden others and be the reason of any negative thing or misfortune for others, my child included and so it is difficult because i dont give two shits about myself, which i should. and it is even more difficult because i need to care for myself in order to grow a child inside me and the one person i dont have the energy to deal with is myself and i know it is wrong. dont tell me that.

and i know i should try my hardest, even if it isnt for myself but atleast for the child.

and it is really hard. i dunno where to start and if i should? what if i end up fucking up and what if i fuck up after the child is born? YES I KNOW IT IS NORMAL but i am scared i am not going to be able to handle it. I am a very weak person mentally and so it is a serious stressful thing to me despite being so self aware and knowing what to do or think. it is much easier knowing and giving advice as opposed to being the one implementing it.

and maybe you can say i should get therapy but i cant afford it, i dont have a credit card or money of any sort in my hand. i literally have nothing and i live in a house where everything is provided for me. i am a student with a degree and am studying for my masters but i went into a worser depression than usual and skipped out on most of my classes since april before i moved in and now im pregnant and in a country where i dunno the language and know any person except my partner. who can make life easier but my shitty personality wont let me do anything!!!

God i hate myself, i feel cringe and pathetic for acting and thinking like this. like all i have to do is stop being this way and it is hard because of how deeply ingrained this personality of mine is.

i dont know why i am typing this because i dont think i am looking for advice, maybe some sympathy? relatability? someone to listen to me? maybe i need someone to talk to but i dont have anyone i can let myself talk to so i guess strangers on the internet is enough for me. the voices and my worries got too much for me so i guess i decided to write it out to let it out because it is too much or maybe to document what im going through to read later in the future.

anyways.. these are thoughts that are running through my mind alot lately.