Another mental dissection.

The constant questions of "What am I? I'm bored of life already, why? Can't someone just go ahead and put me out of my misery already?" seem to echo in my head relentlessly like any other day. These things are always swirling in my head along with my own cruel philosophies of life, the small bag of religion thrown into the mix for tolerance of both and keeping a non-stop game of devil's advocate with everything I discuss... Tends to become quite the headache at the end of the day. SO! FOR ONCE! I CAME TO A CONCLUSION!

I'm someone who can help everyone but himself, to try and take care of my own well being. (I do wash and keep myself clean, yada yada. Not physical abuse or otherwise.) Contentment with loneliness has made me a very distant person in terms of ever deciding to look for a relationship, as I can't fix myself let alone even like the idea of it. I'd rather be used up completely and die, as then I will be satisfied and rendered unfit for service to anyone then. I've legitimately tried being with people, good ones and bad ones. However, since I cannot help myself. It pains them to see me in such a state, I either get pushed away or otherwise. Most of the time I end up saying "Oh well." And keep walking forward, however... There is that tiny bit of the ugly creature of loneliness that can't be ignored, like a ugly pimple that just cannot stop being looked at. It nags and irks me, and is probably the human mechanism that drives to prevent my own being from being lonely. I don't like that one bit, as it's self-preservation built into me. I get bored of people real easily too, most become too easy to read and then I just feel like I am no longer able to help them. So when they move on, it tends to be... Anti-climactic, however bittersweet.

I'm someone who can help everyone but myself, what do I do..? I hate my own very being and don't even want to do that myself. I refuse to change that. Completely, I'm content with that, but refuse to accept it. Meditation and exercise I have tried doing on a daily basis, but it.. Doesn't always work.