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LonelyShinobi
4,290 M Seeking Light 5
PathStep 195 Compassion hearts224 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2019 Member sinceSeptember 15, 2015
Bio
Most people will know me as Ren, short for Raven. I'm soneone who's been managing to live their life with an extremely severe abd chronic depression. Along with being Bi-Polar or otherwise Borderline. My depression can be manic at times too it seems... You may talk to me about anything, I'm very open about things. Including suicide, if you want someone to talk to.
Recent forum posts
Another mental dissection.
Journals & Diaries / by LonelyShinobi
Last post
 May 10th, 2016
...See more The constant questions of "What am I? I'm bored of life already, why? Can't someone just go ahead and put me out of my misery already?" seem to echo in my head relentlessly like any other day. These things are always swirling in my head along with my own cruel philosophies of life, the small bag of religion thrown into the mix for tolerance of both and keeping a non-stop game of devil's advocate with everything I discuss... Tends to become quite the headache at the end of the day. SO! FOR ONCE! I CAME TO A CONCLUSION! I'm someone who can help everyone but himself, to try and take care of my own well being. (I do wash and keep myself clean, yada yada. Not physical abuse or otherwise.) Contentment with loneliness has made me a very distant person in terms of ever deciding to look for a relationship, as I can't fix myself let alone even like the idea of it. I'd rather be used up completely and die, as then I will be satisfied and rendered unfit for service to anyone then. I've legitimately tried being with people, good ones and bad ones. However, since I cannot help myself. It pains them to see me in such a state, I either get pushed away or otherwise. Most of the time I end up saying "Oh well." And keep walking forward, however... There is that tiny bit of the ugly creature of loneliness that can't be ignored, like a ugly pimple that just cannot stop being looked at. It nags and irks me, and is probably the human mechanism that drives to prevent my own being from being lonely. I don't like that one bit, as it's self-preservation built into me. I get bored of people real easily too, most become too easy to read and then I just feel like I am no longer able to help them. So when they move on, it tends to be... Anti-climactic, however bittersweet. I'm someone who can help everyone but myself, what do I do..? I hate my own very being and don't even want to do that myself. I refuse to change that. Completely, I'm content with that, but refuse to accept it. Meditation and exercise I have tried doing on a daily basis, but it.. Doesn't always work.
One Step at a Time, into my Grave.
Journals & Diaries / by LonelyShinobi
Last post
 April 23rd, 2016
...See more It's been my fourth or fiftth day working in a row with over an eight hour shift, I rarely get to feel at home anymore as my body is worn out and exhausted in dealing with people and other people's stupidity. The only thing that's been keeping me awake is my anger, it's been used for literally everything I do. There never seems to be an end to it, so why not use it productively right? My cynicism and ever-withering hope for people seems to be failing more and more, it's always been a nod and a casual wave whenever needed to pretend I am listening. But in the end it's just a grain of salt. Why am I even typing this? Perhaps I am bored and perhaps if I look at my spilled guts through another person's perspective, I might see something worthwhile taking note of for future references. To put it simply, I am probably one of the angriest motherfuckers on the planet, really! Whenever someone does something stupid, and I have to pay for it. I'll always be calm on the surface, it's the silent yet very bottled up angst. It's always been in my best interests not to lash at people anymore, or otherwise release it on other things. Nothing else should have to suffer because I feel the need to dump my shit on someone else's lawn. Right? This sort of situation with my prevents a lot of things actually, it's really ironic! As whenever I do something stupid, I'll always say "Fucking hell, can't I just die already? Tired of this shit." Or the usual "I'll throw myself out of a window later, I swear..." (Usually when I make an awful pun that people cringe at.) People really piss me off, a lot for their stupidity and ignorance.The one thing above everything else is their lack of consideration for others, it might be due to the fact that I hold myself and others to a high standard. They should do the same that I do for them, or that's what I believe. People don't seem to realize whenever you look at a President, Police Officer, Bum-Off-The-Streets, Sexy Person in a Porn Video, they all have lives of their own and cannot do everything for you. Remember the ol' "LET ME DROP ALL MY SHIT AND HELP YOU, FUCK THE WORLD." quote that rings in your head because of that yappy and shitty customer? Me neither. Respect is a two way street, one that never closes like Love does. So long as others return it, I'll gladly keep them within a blade's distance. Fair enough right? I've been on the edge quite a bit, sometimes literally... Looking down, wishing I was in Hell wondering what would happen. But in the end, it always makes me say "It's too easy..." And truly frustrates me, it felt like cheating life and not in a god way. My mind screams out to me that it's the cowards way out, and that someone like me should never go down this way. Am I really that pathetic..? Well, yes... I am pretty damn pathetic... So why can't I do it? Well, I guess after one too many times with the knife in the shower. Decided to say "Fuck Life" and then pass the next day and then the next one, Life is a lot like Shopping! You can keep coming back, and there will always be something different. Nobody told you had to buy it all, right? So that's a little bit of my anger... Very small fidge of it. (Damn, how much did I curse in this? Sigh... I suck at this. :( ) Loneliness lately has been an ongoing motif in my life, never really connecting with others. It's so easy for me to speak to others, make them go "Wow!" and such. With my hatred for people, it's surprising how a lot of people are strangely attracted to me in some form of way. Usually it's because I am really good at sitting there, observing what they screw up on and politely telling them how to fix it (Advice). Then there is the classic white hot burning anger while listening to them completely and being an emotional dumpster just because they don't know "Tough Shit" as people like to call it. We all deserve someone to hear us out? I don't mind it, too much. The ones that really annoy me are the "Oh, I'm probably just going to make you mad at me." get to me a lot, of fucking course I am going to be annoyed. The world isn't sunshine and rainbows, and I most certainly am doing this to be nice. Don't rub it in my goddamn face, take it. Shut up, and let me try and keep you going a little longer. Due to this constant lack of connection, I truly have died on the inside. People become too easy to read, boring, and otherwise a waste of time to me. (Real fuckin' loser, huh? Go on! Laugh a little.) It's come to my decision that never truly needed people anymore, and had started sexually starving myself. Masturbation really was an awful thing, it just makes you feel worse afterwards and doesn't help me one bit. I even tried sex once with someone who I grew to like a bit, but even that was boring and extremely... "Wow, this is it..? Okay." I was not impressed at all by it, just made my sex drive rise up and torture me more. To top that all off, I had concluded to myself that I am going to be one of those people who is going to gladly die alone and burn away. (A Wannabe Martyr! I should have said that to the teacher when she asked what I really wanted to be.) The golden rule always applies to people, whenever someone speaks with you or interacts at all? They want something from you, mutal or parasitic. I often ask myself a lot, why do I continue to live my pointless existence out? Am I truly going to be this way forever? What am I? I hate myself, why can't I die quicker? What is wrong with me? Can't I just be left alone by people? Along with many other things... From reading all of this, perhaps someone could give me some insight things I should work on with myself? I've tried quite a few listeners, and almost all of them get boring and same the same things that I know are complete horse-cock-a-doodle-doo. (I stopped a swear word! YAY!)
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