A letter of Apology

To you whom i cannot bring myself to be honest to.

I am sorry

i am so sorry for everything

i am sorry for my indifference

i am sorry for my inability to care and sometimes show i care

i am sorry i feel numb inside and have little interest in anything anymore

i am sorry for not trying

i am sorry for not wanting to be near you, its not you i swear. it is just so hard to breathe near you.

i am sorry for wasting your time and effort in trying to make things work with me.

i am sorry for avoiding you and hiding

i am sorry for not showing and not being able to have interest in things you like

im sorry for not being able to tolerate small things that are easy to let go off

i am sorry for sounding irritated everytime i talk to you

i am sorry for pushing you into having the same mindset im in, that is to say i am sorry for making you unhappy with my attitude towards life, i know i am making you turn into another me through my actions.

i am sorry i have caused our relationship to be broken and not trying to fix it, these days dad says why dont i talk to you anymore, why i dont check on you.. we used to be so close. i am sorry i cannot remember what our friendship was like.... we spent a year away from each other and are no longer connecting, you and i are now in different lanes in life. im sorry i caused this.

i am sorry for being a narcissistic piece of shit who only thinks about herself lately.

i am sorry for not being nice and happy around you people

i am sorry for giving up easily

...

i am sorry for breaking you, for turning you into someone i hate. i look in the mirror and see you...empty eyes and a fake smile.

i am so sorry for destroying your future

i am sorry for being who i am.

i am sorry for being confused and scared

i am sorry for being helpless and hopeless

i am sorry for everything.

i am really really sorry for not being able to fix me.

for not wanting to fix me,

i am sorry for diving deep down into a dark hole

i am sorry for seeking rock bottom.

dont blame yourself.

you are not at fault, i did this to me. i broke me, i ruined me for you. then i ruined you for me.

to my friends, i wish you remember me fondly in your memories and not ever think of me.

let me bear the fruits of who i am. let me suffer in silence.

i am okay that way.

i wont blame you so dont worry. just be happy and forget i exist.

my existence is my own torture to bear, it is mine alone.

i will live with this pain.

if im being honest this pain make me feel better.

so dont get me wrong, i am not dying in the silence.

i deserve the punishment. i have to.

if not, everything will be a lie and my life would be one big waste.

let me delude myself into believing i am doing the right thing if not,

...it will be too cruel to expect me to accept my reality.

i am okay.