A Diary of Poems and Thoughts

@TiredandDone00 Maybe they are not necessarily lies, but perceptions. I'm using myself as an example here. When my head is in a bad place, it's very hard to see the good or beautiful anywhere. I imagine everyone around me has ill intentions and that the world I live in is a cesspool of stupidity and selfishness.

I've learned that I can get in my car, roll down the windows, crank up the volume and breathe deeply as I just drive around aimlessly. The wind for whatever reason helps clear these thoughts from my mind and the music and driving help me focus on something other than the negative thoughts.

I start to see the landscape around me. The beautiful trees that have deep roots and have lived much longer than me. They lose their leaves every fall and grow new leaves every spring.

My young daughter is much like me in the negative thinking department and it scares me, because I want her to have a much happier life than I've experienced. I've recently had her start writing a list every night. One column for good and one for bad. The first few nights, I questioned why there was nothing listed under good and her response was that nothing good ever happened to her. So, we talked about it and I explained that good things happen all around us, we just ignore them or forget about them when we are sad or hurt, because sadness and pain are so overwhelming.

The next night there was one single entry under good and still several under bad. Butterfly. I asked her to explain why she wrote butterfly under good. And her response was that she was sitting outside when she was mad at her little sister. Then she saw a butterfly fly past and it was very pretty. It made her smile for a moment, even though it was fleeting.

Over the past couple of weeks, her good and bad columns have become more balanced. She now pays more attention just so she can write down something good even if it seems small in comparison to the bad.

There is good in the world, just as there is good in each of us. It's hard to see sometimes due to the thickness of the negative emotions we experience.

And if something doesn't work, try something different. Very few things in life are entirely hopeless. Start looking for the butterfly. Then maybe you'll eventually find a flower. Then the lush green grass around the flower. Then a beautiful tree teeming with life. One day, you'll notice the sun and its warmth and so on.

Little steps. New perception.

Entry #2

It's going to be all right, they say

It will all work out in the end

This is just a moment in time, they say

It will get better this feeling is not the trend

Still the sky falls, no matter the hope

No matter the positive thoughts

It still crumbles to dust, no way to cope

And everything within rots

Hope? It's a lie, born of the blind

Those blind to what is real

There is no repair for this broken mind

No goodness left to feel

Patronize me you will not

Care? You don't, I know the truth

Look upon this world we have wrought

Face it head on; the uncouth

No more hope is there left for me

But I take heart in just one thing

I know my reality and what it will be

A bleak and terrible song to sing

From a song about Bloodborne by Aviators. Tiny changes to the lyrics. Written as the person I am now, to the person I could have been, and failed to be.

I hear music in the air tonight

One familiar fading tune

Something pulls at my infected soul

I think I remember you

I burned your world away

Devoured by my depression

I left you home afraid

While others ventured out

Don’t cry when lanterns fade

Soon we’ll be awakened

But it breaks my heart to say

No one will save you now

I could be our own avenging angel

But this dream is ending soon

Don’t you scream when all the wolves come find you

Underneath this bleeding moon

Listen closely for your other footsteps

Lest you be here all alone

I have never seen a night this haunting

In these streets of blood and bone

I can’t hold the beast that grows through my veins

Sacrificing my own eyes

No confessions left to purify me

Something’s watching from the skies

I hear music in the air tonight

One familiar fading tune

I can’t save you from the monster coming

But we’ll wake up very soon

Forgive me

Surprise. Ignored, as always. That's my lot. Invisible. Worthless. Nothing.

I wonder how long it would take anyone around me to notice if I just disappeared one day. If they'd even notice at all. I suspect one day there will be an answer to that.

Just fucking kill me.

I can never stop it. I can never do enough. It's never enough. Why am I never enough?

i hate my life

yet another day of sleeping like *** and wishing i was dead