Retiring From An Online Gacha Game (a little happy ending.)

Hello, you can call me Oak.

Ever since I started recovery back in early March, I've fallen out from not only from being able to make art but also from playing video games I used to enjoy, including some online games I've invested most of my time to, such as Cookie Run Kingdom (CRK) and Genshin Impact. Those were the only 2 online games I've been committed to as far as I can recall, and I've have only spent money on the latter game. As to how I ended up going through recovery, you can read more about it here (clickable). This thread may be a bit too long to read, but it feels good to let out everything I did and how I've been doing well during my recovery so far. Anyway, this thread will just focus on how I felt lucky and decided to part ways with something on a happy note.

To explain my situation briefly, I lost a long loving friendship with this person, who was considered to be my best friend, due to my mental crisis. I used to make art and also do online streams with them. Because of my crisis and lashing out, they managed to just cut me off from many online socials as well as gaming platforms we've been together on, but I only discovered this some time after I reached out for help. So it had definitely left me heartbroken and depressed that they would easily throw me away. But that was back in early March, which would be over 2 months ago. I've already been progressing a bit well in my recovery now and have also recently found a therapist who was willing to support me on my journey.

Anyway, I remembered immediately forcing myself to quit CRK when I found out what my former friend did. We also use to play together there. I was free-to-play player there anyway, after about 2 years since I've started playing that mobile game. So that one's permanently gone from me. And I never looked back. I was meaning to quite it eventually but not like this.

Then when it came to Genshin, I couldn't quit immediately because I last paid for a 30-daily reward and felt bad that I didn't want to waste it so easily by missing out. I only had 2 weeks left of it. So I felt it might be manageable to just log in for those rewards and call it a day.

So during the following week, while I was grieving and depressed, I only logged in for less than a minute to collect it before logging out using my iPad, which is seemingly more efficient since I can just tap in and tap my way out before locking my iPad back to sleep. No daily quests or anything else that would consume more of my time. As much as I wanted to avoid the game entirely, I didn't want to abandon ship on this saving plan I had in mind since I've been anticipating 2 more upcoming characters at that time that I've wanted to obtain.

I started playing Genshin Impact for the first time around late 2021 when they were still expanding on Inazuma. It was around the end of August from another mutual online friend of mine and joined their regional server. I've only played for about 1-3 days I think on my PC then stopped because I was still doing my freelance art stuff at that time. Then by February of next year, which would be about 5 months since I've last played, I found out that my former best friend and few others were already playing it on that same server, so that's when I returned to the game again, but this time on my iPad (because it was smoother to play compared to my old PC) and never stopped playing it for the rest of that year, because it was so much fun to co-op and doing a lot of other things together. I even used to stream myself playing it for fun along with my former friend which brought a lot of happy memories.

It was really hard to continue playing the game after everything that happened. So, after the first week of my recovery and processing through the heartbreak, I tried to actually play normally as I could for only a week or so within March. I tried focusing on playing Genshin as a distraction away from replaying this traumatic event, but it was pretty much difficult, since I still felt the presence of this loss and memories I had of me playing with my former friend. It pained me a lot to see how they had the guts to block me literally everywhere without saying anything. But I was part of the blame too, because I did not manage my own emotions well enough and did not realize it could hurt people I care about. But I'm not going to dwell on this part right now.

Anyway, I remembered I last did a stream of completing an important quest within Genshin, but I wasn't able to finish it. Then some internet outages followed for the next several days, leading up to the incident that changed everything. So when I was just able to gain most of my energy to try to play again, I just proceeded to finish the rest of that particular quest ahead just to clear it out of my conscience. At least it redirected my focus away from my problems for a time. I didn't care about streaming again or going back to my social medias at all. I completely shut myself out from them during my grief and even until now.

After acknowledging the events and consequences that have occurred, I thought it be best to eventually retire from Genshin for the sake of my recovery. I've only wanted to wait to get 2 character banners. The 1st character, Shenhe, that I originally plan to obtain first through a her character banner, was released around the last few weeks of March. I only had a 50% chance of winning to obtain her without any guarantee, so I managed to play for a few days prior just to save up extra in-game funds just in case I ever lose my chances. Fortunately, I won my 50% chance and brought her home to me! ^.^

Probably after a day of playing around, and knowing there were no updates on the next (and last) character I wanted to obtain at that time, I decided to finally lay off from the game entirely throughout the month of April. I ended up focusing more on my recovery, attending my support groups, as well as looking for ways to seek therapy. After a couple of weeks and realizing I haven't logged backed in since, I thought to myself: Well, maybe that's it for me then... There's no point in playing it anymore since I've lost interest in it... I can always get them in a re-run if I do come back to it!

Halfway later near the end of April, I made it far in my recovery to feel like wanting to seek out new things I want to pursue for myself for a change. There were some games I bought that my computer isn't capable of running smoothly, so I thought of getting a new gaming laptop with the money I saved up for, but after that life-changing event and crisis I went through, I decided to withdraw myself from that kind of goal. My computer can still run some other games at low graphics for the meantime, so it's still good enough for me.

Anyway, moving on to the 2nd character I wanted to get, Baizhu, which would then be considered as my last thing I want to do before leaving the game, showed up early this past week in May. Since I've already won my 50% chance on pulling for Shenhe without any guarantee, I also don't have a guaranteed chance for getting Baizhu. I forgot the language of this whole wishing system, so I only wanted to explain it more simply without getting all technical of how it works.

So earlier today (Saturday), after over a month since I've last played, I felt like it was time to waste those remaining in-game funds I have and see if I could win getting him into my roster. I recently had my first therapy session this past week and have been continuing to attend my support groups daily. I felt like this would be a good way to part ways with something I used to feel happy about and just finish where I left off before I can move on.

I only wanted to log in briefly just to get to the character banner. I no longer bothered getting other extra rewards or completing other daily quests the moment I made it in. I didn't realize until later that I had just enough to pull for the chance of getting that character. The feels you get when you want to win a 5-star character is really thrilling. I wanted to be excited for myself for the first time in awhile. It may be nothing much than just a game, but I've had good memories with it. So I went straight for it without holding back.

I didn't get to look into the mechanics of the character since I was completely out of the loop, but I was waiting for his banner release in a long time. I imagined even if I didn't win this round, I would still walk away knowing I still have a guaranteed chance the next time I come back to this game.

So somewhere between 70-80 pulls, that was when I finally won another chance in getting my 2nd and final character that I've waited for so long since I heard rumors about his upcoming release. For that moment I felt joy that I haven't had in a while. It was nice to feel the thrill again. That was the only purpose of going back there just for one last day. I completely blew out my entire in-game funds just to get him at the right moment. It also felt like a blessing of some sort. So I managed to take a few screenshots of my little victory and finally say good-bye to it.

My partner would tell me that I should be able to enjoy games just for myself. But it's very difficult to dissociate some of my favorite games from the good memories I once had and the pain that was left behind. So I ended up reducing myself to being occupied with an idle or incremental game I can play within my web browser. I just don't seem to have that kind of energy anymore after all that pain I've endured through the first few weeks of my recovery. I hope to find a new drive for it as well as for my art some day.

Anyway, I apologize for this long writing. I just wanted to let this all out of my chest. I feel like this is one of the little good things that has happened to me today. I'm glad I found a way to happily conclude my days of playing a particular game without having to push it away forcefully. Maybe I might come back to it someday in the far future if the time feels right, but for now, I have other priorities in mind, such as my health, recovery, therapy and so on.

I guess that's all for now. If you managed to read all through this, thank you very much for reading!

- compassionateOak202 💙