Sexual Content in Group Support Chats?
Yesterday, I encountered a slight problem when I was moderating the Compassion Corner chatroom. A guest came in and started talking about his issue in a very explicit way. It was a sex related problem, so I probably don't have to recount what words he was using. A couple other (male) members joined him and supported him, using the same [edit: misogynistic] language. The censor caught some of it, but it was still inappropriate, in my opinion. I asked him to connect to a listener one on one, but he wouldn't. At at that point, a couple other members expressed their discomfort at the situation. (Then he either left, or someone else banned him.)
My main problem is this, though - I wasn't sure if to mute/ban him from the chatroomright away, because his problem seemed legitimate. The language and attitude were the main issues.
Are there any rules about sexual issues in the member chatroom?
Are they all taboo, or is discussing them in a respectful way okay?
Is someone who's talking about sex explicitly to be banned?
Thanks for any input. @Heather @LauraS
@Barush, that is a great question. Though the group chat is meant for people contributing as a group to every problem and supporting each other, I still feel we need to avoid sharing personal details of any type in a chat.
The person who is presenting such details should be asked to talk one to one with a listener and you can edit few comments if you feel it may make anyone else feel uncomfortable or triggered in a group. We need to keep the whole group in mind and we also should not forget that anyone who joins the chat should not feel uncomfortable from the start. This may keep them from coming again.
I agree that we should keep the safety of the whole group in mind. At one point, it really wasn't a safe environment in there, even though I deleted all the inappropriate messages. I just feel that we need some more guidance on this. Do we ban them instantly? Should we ask them to stop, first? What is still okay? I really can't tell. I mean, sex is a natural part of life, so a respectful discussion should be okay, no? Maybe a guided discussion once a week, or something? So many questions :D @smile2900
I agree with smile here, we have to keep the group in mind. If it makes others uncomfortable, it might not be the best topic for a chatroom. And especially not if the member was really specific and using inappropriate language. Sexual problems can also be talked about on a more general level. When I realize that someone is getting too specific with touchy subjects (i.e. self harm, EDs, suicidal tendencies) I try to lead the conversation into a more general discussion or make the subject less uncomfortable for others so everyone can join in with their ideas and experiences. If the subject is sexual, it could be easy to guide them to talking about romance, love or relationships. Or when it comes to EDs we can taIk about self-image. I think members/guests should be able to talk about their issues in the Compassion chat and the Share your Story chat, but the most important thing is the group dynamics, that there is a loving, compassionate, supportive enviroment. I usually don't ban members for having an inappropriate problem, you can always delete the posts that are too graphic and then try to lead the group away from the triggers and discomfort.
I agree, in general. This particular situation though was a bit different. I was the only listener there and a couple other members joined the discussion and were upset when I politely asked them to stop. I really don't think there was any way to redirect it, as the person who started it said he "wanted to vent his frustration". I think he might have been a bit of a troll or attention seeker, maybe, but that didn't become clear until a bit into it. It's tough when other members join in. I think the situation would be different if all the other members expressed their discomfort and wouldn't egg him on. @MissZ
I completely understand @Barush. That is why I feel we need to have a combination of 2 listeners at all times in a group chat. Even if one is a Group mod and the other is not, it still helps to keep the content appropriate for everyone.
first delete the content and ask them to connect one to one with a listener. Tell them it is not appropriate to discuss it. However the tough part is if other members are supporting the chat.
However what may be appropriate to some in the group may be uncomfortable to others. You need to be more firm regarding the content and give them warnings to stop. I don't know whether we can ban them for this issue.
Yeah, that's what I did, @smile2900. It obviously didn't work, as he had support from the others. Also, what contributed to the issues was that at that time, general chats were piling up and a couple members before had been complaining that listeners weren't picking up personal requests either. So it's kind of moot to tell someone to connect to a listener one on one when no one will take their request. (Lots of listeners were online, though.) I think it was just lots of different components coming together at once. However, I'd still like to hear some official direction about this.
@Barush, we need some official direction on this but I read here, that in case a member is bringing down the mood of the entire group you can ban or block them.Some times a group of members begin to talk aong themselves and support each other making it uncomfortable for a listener to handle the situation.
Thus I feel it is better to work together i.e. more than 2 listeners in a group.
I agree the requests are piling up and we don't have enough listeners or mods right now. Group chat can help us solve this problem but we need strict filtering of content for this.
You're right, @smile2900. I guess that it's just that specific guidelines make me more comfortable lol I agree that we need more mods, and a better schedule, for sure. Also, I brought this up because it sparked my thinking about this, but I was wondering if any sex talk is off limits, or if the member is respectful towards the others and the general mood seems accepting, it'd be fine.
@barush Sounds like this was a challenging situation, glad you were in there to provide support. Thank you for posing this question to the community.
This is how I think about this question: What would you say in a group setting/public place vs. what you would say in a one-on-one conversation?
In a one-on-one conversation, you have privacy and can set particular guidelines and boundaries between you and the other person involved.
In a publicsetting,you must think about it as an openspace, public for all to view. What would you say in public? What is appropriate to say inpublic?
Of course, a topic that is sexual in nature, may have a place in a group support setting. But there is a fine line between, genuinely needing help and support vs. being disruptive, loud and disrespectful. If what the person is sayingwould never be appropriatein a public setting, it's likely not appropriate in our group supporrtchat room.
Context and tone are important. If someone would like to get support on a topic and they are genuine, kind, and professional in their demeanorand language, then it may be appropriate to hear them out.
Rule of thumb: If you are in the group support chat and you are unsure if something is appropriate or not, ask yourself: Would I feel comfortable saying this in a public space? If the answer is no, please ask that member to connect to a 1-1 chat, delete their comments (assuming it is inappropriate language) and explain to the room why that topic is not appropriate. If the member persists, banning them from the chat room would be the appropriate next step.
@laura and @barush, great thinking here. Laura, I think what you've outlined her is spot on. Barush, in terms of your earlier question, it is really a judgment call, but I'd err on the side of getting people out sooner rather than later. I also wouldn't worry too much about warning people. If someone is behaving in appropriately, then it can impact the other members in the chat. I'd block them from the chat. They are still welcome to get support one on one, but they don't run the risk of offending anyone in the chat.
The key thing we want to do in group support is create an atmosphere of safety and compassion. If people are actively hurting going against that, then we need to proactively block them.
Also, @barush, I've been checking in on the group support lately and I think you've been doing an excellent job : )
Thank you @GlenM and @LauraS! I'll try to use my best judgement, then, when it comes to similar situations.
However, when some issue would be clearly better for a one on one chat, but there are 10+ general chats waiting, it's kind of a lose-lose situation to ask them to connect to a listener. I've had members come back to the chatroomeven more upset, because no one picked up their request. But it's not their fault there's high traffic, so I feel it'd be unfair to mute them. Any thoughts on this?
@barush, it is okay for them to hang out, get and give support, but not talk about that issue in group chat. Also, a little patience can be good to learn too :). What we are doing is pretty remarkable. If someone can't immediately connect and has to chat with kind and interesting people for 10 minutes, then I think that is okay :)
Laura's answer is probably always the right one in the case of 7cups.That being said, I'd like to throw in my two cents.
Sex is a topic that effects most everyone's life. We are taught by society that it is a taboo subject to discuss but that is exactly why there are so many problems that can come forth. Speaking about sex in an educated manner (even in a group setting) can solve a lot of problems that have been created by repression of the subject.
In my opinion, banning or silencing a member for coming forth with a sexual issue is just as horrible as banning or silencing a member coming forth with marriage, depression, or money issues. It's unnecessary and quite damaging. Sex is just another aspect of human life. 7cups is meant to be a safe place to discuss problems you're experiencing in your life and if you reach out HERE only to be banned, I can't imagine reaching out again.
I understand that the tone of the room would change dramatically and because of the taboo of the topic, it may lead to uncomfortable conversations but this can be said of any hard hitting topic.
I'm begging this listening community to open your minds while you open your ears. People will come to you with all kinds of problems. The problems making you uncomfortable or the language not being what you like is never (in my opinion) a valid reason to ban or silence someone. As uncomfortable as you are in the listening chair, remember that there is someone on the other side of the screen who had to work up the courage to discuss this issue.
Hey, @ooooohhhhhhhey:) I think I failed to mention that the language and attitudethis person(and the other members) wasdisplaying was very misogynistic. That's never okay, in my opinion. So it wasn't just about sex being taboo. But yeah, I agree that every case is different and it should be a judgment call.
@ooooohhhhhhheyI agree that sex should be an OK topic in thechatrooms, but I do not believe it's an excuse for explicit andderogatory language, which was the case here ? specifically demeaning language. Unfortunately, sexual conversations can lend themselves to this more easily than, say, talking about a financial problem.
Hence, I thinkit would be great to give guests and listeners more guidance for how theycandiscuss these issues in a group in an educated manner, as you said. I think the case @Barush raises is salient because it was the Compassion Corner ? we could certainly show compassion for a guest who was dissatisfied with their sex life,and I wouldn't expect them to express that frustration perfectly or fairly to all involved.
However, when a guest is expressing frustrationin a way that's misogynistic or reads as violent or nonconsensual,that is not compassionate material, andI think our tolerance couldbe triggering or send a message of indifference to women and abuse survivors.
There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to discuss any topic, andsomeone's discomfort in a sex-related conversation does notautomaticallymean that they're simply uncomfortable about talking sex and their feelings are invalid.
So, I think it's worthwhile to tread carefully here, giveappropriatenesssome thought, make sure we don't display compassion for one party by neglecting compassion for others,and ideally get on the same page insetting expectations and boundaries for our guests. That way, we will raise awareness for everyone that it's not that we can't talk about sex;wecan talk about 'taboo' topics as respectful adults ? and here's how.
If someone won't respect a language/respect warning, then I think it is completely appropriate to ask them to wait for a one-on-one chat and ban them from the chatroom if they won't respect that, either. But more thought and transparency about what exactly we considerappropriate, respectful and nontriggering here would help, so we can tell guests directly what's OK, what's not OK, and model it unequivocally instead of making potentially disparate judgement calls.
I completely agree, @OliviaButler. I would really appreciate some clear guidance from the staff, because making a judgment call puts a huge responsibility on the one who's making it. However, it doesn't seem like it's forthcoming, so I guess it's the best we can do for now. I do think there is a safe and responsible way to discuss those topics in the chatroom if all participants are on the same page and aware of what's appropriate and what's not. The situation I experienced wasn't it, though.