Venting about my grief. Just need this off my mind.

I realized today, this year marks 9 years sense I lost two special people in my life.

My middle school best friend and the woman who raised me. Not my mother but my grandmother who was there when my mom acted like I was nothing to her.
I often think about how losing two people so close to me effected me as a kid. 

It's not easy to process hard emotions at 13. 

I have learned to live with it better but I have days like today where it feels like the day I lost them. 

I lost my best friend in August of 2014. I remember the first day of school without her after the summer. She was only in the hospital. I didn't know much of her conditions but I figured she'd be back. She never did come back. I never got to tell her goodbye and it haunts me still. But I was 13. I couldn't do much anyway.

October of 2014 I lost the woman who raised me. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her and I live hoping she's proud of me in some aspects of life. I know some of the things I've been doing lately she would not approve of. But I know she loved me and would've done anything for me.

Now I sit here years later wondering how life would be if these two people were still in my life.

I don't know if that's good, to dwell on what could've been if life didn't take them from me so early in life. 

Would my best friend still be riding horses? Doing horse shows? Doing more in life?
Would my grandmother give me life advice when I need it the most? 

Grief really is hard to live with sometimes. Because for a while you feel fine. You are just living. Than it hits you out of no where. 
"They are really gone...aren't they?"
I got used to living life without them.
But god do I wish I could speak to them again. 

I'd do anything to video call my best friend again.
I'd do anything to sit on the front porch of my childhood home sipping on soda talking to my granny as we watch the birds and cats in the yard.

If I had the chance to go back, and cherish those moments more. Even if it meant losing the people I met. I'd do it in a heartbeat. 
I love the people in my life now. But I feel like I should've cherished them when I could've.
But there's no chance of that ever happening.

A quote I have lived by sense their passing and kept me going when I thought life was over for me.
"Everybody wants happiness, not pain. But you can't make a rainbow without a little rain."

I hope when all is said and done and my pain has subsided, I find the prettiest rainbow.

I hope everyone finds their rainbow.