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AxolotlEnjoyer420
1 557 M Embraced 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts71 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes50 Current upvotes50 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceMay 22, 2024
Bio

F/23

Hoping for change.

Hoping to be okay.

Recent forum posts
Anger.
Grief & Loss / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 October 21st
...See more I’m full of anger. Not at his death but at the people who made it where I couldn’t spend more time with him. my uncle passed away, October 11th 2024. I did get to see him the week before for a couple minutes. I had plans to see him again the next day but things happened and I didn’t get to. The last time I talked to him, he told me to swing by so we could chat more. I had so much to talk to him about. the last time I saw him was 2019, for the summer I got to see him a bit here and there. Before that, it had been sense 2014. I never got to hang out with him a lot. I never got to talk to him a lot. I’m so mad I didn’t get to go back and talk to him before he passed. One of the last things he told me “Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t accept you for who you truly are” Words I will live by. I just don’t want to be angry but I’m so mad. im mad at my friend for getting to high that I didn’t get to see him the next day. im mad at mom for keeping me away from my father for so long when I was younger. im mad at my dad for not fighting harder for me to spend time with him and everyone else. im so *** mad. I’m mad and I’m hurting. I couldn’t even make it to his funeral and I’m so mad that I have to mourn his loss alone. I’ve been alone ever since I found out. I don’t have the will to text anyone barely. I try to find distractions so I don’t sit in my anger but tonight it’s stewing so bad. I don’t want to be mad at them but I am. I want to scream at them. I want to scream and tell them they made me miss out on so much of my life and on the people who have been in my life sense I was born. I want to cut them out of my life. I want them gone until they understand the pain and anger I’m going through. I miss my uncle. I wish I had more time to talk to him as a grown up. Hang out as a grown up. He was a safe space when I was younger. I knew when I went to his house it was okay, because they would be gaming in the other room and he’d let me watch Netflix on his TV and I’d get to relax from the work and stress my dad would put on me. I could be a kid when at his house. I could sit there with snacks and watch cartoons and not worry about the labor my dad would be making me do the next day. I was a kid. He let me be a kid. he was the coolest person to me growing up. always had cool things. had pet scorpions. Showed us good movies. talked about cool things. I’d do anything to go back two weeks and be able to talk to him again. but I can’t. and it hurts. So bad.
10 years. Forever 13.
Grief & Loss / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 August 30th
...See more It’s been 10 years today sense I lost my best friend at the age of 13. She is forever 13. While I grew up without her. I miss her extra today and I’ll miss her extra on her birthday in October. it’s like life just flashed by. I’ll never be able to grasp how life just keeps going when someone so dear to you passes away. it feels so unfair. I’ll keep living for her. I never thought I’d make it to the age I did but I have. I’ll keep living for her now. I’ll figure out a way to make sure everyone knows her name one day. she was kind. She was caring. She had so much potential in life but it got cut short. she loved riding horses. She was very much country girl. she loved her family. she loved her animals. she was amazing. I wish she was here still. I wonder if she’d still do horse competitions like she used to talk about. I wonder a lot of things. I miss her. I hope her family is doing okay to this day.
Breaking no contact.
Relationship Stress / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 August 1st
...See more The guy I broke up with who I was with for over 6 months broke no contact today.  The main thing I remember him saying was we'd never work and I used that to try and let go. Broke up May 22nd. Went with no contact June 4th. Haven't heard or seen anything about him until today. He followed one of my Social Medias and messaged me. Saying he wanted to check on me. Proceeded to say the last thing he sent me wasn't how he truly felt he was just mad. I don't know what he expects from me. He's asking to call and play games. Now I feel to much and nothing at all. A part of me is happy he reached out but a part of me wishes he would've stayed gone. I was doing fine without him. I look back on my past posts and saw how badly I let myself fall... I still love him but I don't want to. Idk. My friends don't understand me right now. He's not asking for another chance or anything. I made sure to ask so he didn't get the wrong idea. I'll try to be friends with him but I'm scared of getting attached like I was before. I don't want to fall into that version of me again. 
Numb.
Depression Support / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 July 21st
...See more Just want to write out stuff on my mind right now. I'm not to sure why I'm so numb at the moment. I feel the need to cry but it just doesn't happen. I feel like if I did cry I'd feel a lot better. There's so much going on in my mind. I just want to feel okay again.
Venting about my grief. Just need this off my mind.
Grief & Loss / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 June 29th
...See more I realized today, this year marks 9 years sense I lost two special people in my life. My middle school best friend and the woman who raised me. Not my mother but my grandmother who was there when my mom acted like I was nothing to her. I often think about how losing two people so close to me effected me as a kid.  It's not easy to process hard emotions at 13.  I have learned to live with it better but I have days like today where it feels like the day I lost them.  I lost my best friend in August of 2014. I remember the first day of school without her after the summer. She was only in the hospital. I didn't know much of her conditions but I figured she'd be back. She never did come back. I never got to tell her goodbye and it haunts me still. But I was 13. I couldn't do much anyway. October of 2014 I lost the woman who raised me. Not a day goes by where I don't think of her and I live hoping she's proud of me in some aspects of life. I know some of the things I've been doing lately she would not approve of. But I know she loved me and would've done anything for me. Now I sit here years later wondering how life would be if these two people were still in my life. I don't know if that's good, to dwell on what could've been if life didn't take them from me so early in life.  Would my best friend still be riding horses? Doing horse shows? Doing more in life? Would my grandmother give me life advice when I need it the most?  Grief really is hard to live with sometimes. Because for a while you feel fine. You are just living. Than it hits you out of no where.  "They are really gone...aren't they?" I got used to living life without them. But god do I wish I could speak to them again.  I'd do anything to video call my best friend again. I'd do anything to sit on the front porch of my childhood home sipping on soda talking to my granny as we watch the birds and cats in the yard. If I had the chance to go back, and cherish those moments more. Even if it meant losing the people I met. I'd do it in a heartbeat.  I love the people in my life now. But I feel like I should've cherished them when I could've. But there's no chance of that ever happening. A quote I have lived by sense their passing and kept me going when I thought life was over for me. "Everybody wants happiness, not pain. But you can't make a rainbow without a little rain." I hope when all is said and done and my pain has subsided, I find the prettiest rainbow. I hope everyone finds their rainbow.
23 and confused...
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 July 5th
...See more As the title states I am 23 and confused. From a very young age I always knew I liked girls.  I grew up around religious people, I remember once asking my dad  "If any of your kids were gay, what would you do?" "I'd beat the gay out of them" was his reply and I never brought it back up to him till years later. I came out to him at 16 as being bi and introduced him to my at the time girlfriend.  Ever sense he has shown me support.  My birth giver however, stands by being homophobic.  She and my grandmother threw a fit when my niece was saying she was a lesbian. That side of the family did tbh. So idk if she still thinks that of herself or not. I can be in a relationship with a guy. No issues. I find them cute. Well, found them cute. Due to recent events in my life I find myself very put off by dudes. I only have my eyes open to other women now. But I've been talking to a trans girl and she's honestly such a sweetie. I am very attractive to her.  I've always labeled myself as bi/demi ((Bi with a female lean)) But lately I've been questioning if I am bi and I just dated men because of how I was raised. "Compulsory heterosexuality" This is what sits in my mind.  It's a struggle sometimes. Because from age 14 to 17 I labeled myself a lesbian but the moment a guy showed interest I dropped it?....I was a weird teen.  I think I just wanted male validation like everyone else around me was getting. Being the only openly queer person around my school was really rough until I started dating a guy, people seemed to want to be my friend again.  I have dated men and women over the years. I always found myself happier with a woman or a more fem presenting person. I think this is more of me yapping now.  I just want to know if others have this struggle.  I question myself a lot over the years and it gets tiring.  Am I scared to be the real me due to who i grew up around and my family's views? Or am I just really unstable and all over the place.... The important questions I have: 1:Would it be wrong to label myself as les if I am with a trans girl? -I only ask this because of some people I've tried to talk to before.  2:Should I stick with the label bi if I never intend on dating a cis male again? -I only ask because of some recent bad events involving cis/straight men... Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this. It feels nice to get it out of my head and somewhere written down so I can look at it fully.
Smiling friends~!
TV & Movies / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 June 13th
...See more Is there anyone here who enjoys Smiling Friends?? Ever sense finding it, it's my biggest comfort show and would love to chat with others about it! 
Trying to stay sober.
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by AxolotlEnjoyer420
Last post
 June 18th
...See more This is my second day being sober all day/night. I was using alcohol to sleep better. I find myself wanting to just drink and forget life right now. But I am trying to not fall back in to deep to it all.  I find music blasting helps keep thoughts at bay. Some games. But I keep finding myself wanting to grab it and just let go. It's not much. It's a process. But two days is good. 
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