Missing Mom

I wanted to share with everyone my story about losing my mom recently. I'll give a little background on my family first.

I grew up in what you'd probably consider a lower middle class family. Dad was a alcoholic until I was well out of high school, and both mom and dad smoked cigarettes their entire lives. My mom was an amazing woman who did all she could to keep me and my brother (8 years younger than me) safe. I remember her always standing up for me to other parents in the neighborhood. One time after a particularly bad fight with my dad, she walked more than 3 miles pushing my brother (maybe 1 year old) in a stroller and holding my hand, to take us to my grandma's house. The journey was very hilly terrain and the stroller had a broken wheel, so it was a really long walk. She really loved her kids. My dad unfortunately passed away in 2006 at the age of 64 from cancer due to his years of smoking. However as we were not that close, and I was much younger, I don't think his passing hit me as hard as my mom's would.

About 3 months ago on July 5th she went into the hospital. She had developed gangrene on two toes due to poor circulation and was told to go to the ER. While she was there they discovered a blood infection, and after further tests found that an ulcer in her stomach at the site of a previous gastric bypass had ruptured and been leaking into her gut. They did emergency surgery to repair that, but in the end it wasn't soon enough I guess. She underwent other surgeries and was in the ICU for weeks. I was there with her by her bedside every day. Finally on July 26th I had to make the decision that everyone dreads, and told her doctors I thought it was time to take her off the ventilator and feeding tube, and start comfort care. A few hours later she passed. I wanted so badly to be there holding her hand when she took her last breath, but she waited until I stepped out of the room for no more than 10 minutes. When I returned my wife and the nurses were there with her, and I was told the nurses were with her at the time she passed, so at least she wasn't alone.

The past 3 months since her passing have been very difficult. I've had many ups and downs, and ranges or emotions. I am trying now to really find peace and move forward with my life, as I know she would want me to do. I joined 7 Cups two days ago and this community is amazing. Also joined a gym and started that just this morning. I'm hopeful now that things will get better. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.