I lost my first puppy.

She was my first dog I adopted all on my own as an adult. I had finally graduated university, got the dream job, bought an amazing house with my long term partner. Grew up with dogs my whole life decided to finally get a pup of my own.

I saved up and bought her at just 12 weeks old. I raised her and took her to puppy school. My parents called her their "grandpuppy" since I always joked about never having children. Out little family was a dream me, my partner, his cat and my dog.

She was the most perfect little pug mix. A little too much mix since she was crazy as anything. She stressed me out so much as she was a little runner and would dart off if given the chance. But she was improving and the training was going really well. I knew she would be a great dog once she grew out of her puppy tendencies.

But now I will never know.

At 12 months old a few weeks ago she learned she could squeeze under our fence. She had never tried to escape before so I wasn't prepared.

The 2nd time she ever escaped she squeezed out at night while I was away at my parents. I had only been gone 20mins when I got a call from my neighbor that she was out.

I drove back to find she had been hit by a car and she had been left on the side of the road. I rushed her to the vet although I think I knew she was already gone. I just went into flight/fight mode to try and save her.

I loved her so much and I treated her like my baby. She was the light of my life as I had been struggling with so much after finishing uni and starting my new job. I didn't know my purpose and I was struggling with the start of a lot of new things. Somehow she always knew when I was down and would come to cheer me up. She used to bolt though the house and jump on top of me on those days where i couldn't get out of bed. She would do the funniest little things and had the cutest little grin that would always make me laugh. She would eat flowers and dig holes and make strange noises. She always kicked the cushions off my couch and would stretch out so long with her legs behind her. Her tail was a little spiral and it made me happy to look at. It would unfurl when she slept. She liked coming into the bed and crawling under the blankets. She liked to climb the mulberry tree and eat the mulberries and she was fussy about her treats. She chewed every toy instantly and got through the toughest bully toys. I spent a fortune on bully chews for her and always spoilt her at the pet store. She had so much personality and everyone in my life was entertained by her. I took her everywhere with me.

I was so excited to take her with me through life and grow up together. If she had lived I could have taken her with me well into my 30s or 40s.

I am so sad for all the lost time and I can't stop thinking about the night I found her. I regret not leaving sooner or taking her with me.

I am angry and whoever just left her there and drove away.

I am frustrated as it's been a month but I still can't seem to decide what to do with her ashes.

I feel alone as my partner grieved hard at the start but seemed to move on quickly. I was numb at the start but now over a month later I am feeling it still.

I am very fortunate to have never lost anyone close to me before this. But I am scared now about how people can deal with a lifetime of grief. I feel I will never get over this. I don't want to move forward through life and have to suffer more loss. I love my family dearly and I want to have a entire farm of animals. How can I face it when I lose them all one by one.

If anyone takes the time to read this thank you.

I miss my puppy so much.