GROWING WITH LOSS

I am writing this with a heavy heart. However, I feel my story may be relatable to others and hopefully help someone out there feel less alone. 🥰🥰

On the 2nd of October 2019, I lost my youngest daughter at only 4 months old. It was completely unexpected and out of the blue. Just the evening before she was cooing and interacting. She went to sleep all was well.

It was cold miserable morning, I can remember it as if it were yesterday. I got up went to get my eldest ready for school. Got her dressed did her hair. Thinking the youngest is usually always quite and peaceful when asleep. I went to check on my baby, to find her breathless. I called 999 who got an ambulance out straight away. During that time I was trying to get her to breath. The paramedics came and did everything they could and told me she's gone and it's not my fault.

All I could think, is this isn't real, it must just be a bad dream. I wish it was me not her. I was in a state, I got family to come watch my eldest daughter. Called the school to inform them what's happened and we won't be in. I then held my lifeless baby to the hospital where I had to let her go for tests. It was so hard to let her go. But, I wanted to find out the cause. I wanted an answer.

I handed my baby to the professionals and was questioned and put under investigation, they performed an autopsy and no cause was found. They asked if they could keep her longer to help for research purposes. So, I agreed in hopes it would help someone else not go through what I did. However, it made all the more harder for me because it held up my babies funeral till over a month later. I couldn't put my baby to test till the 14th of November. I was eventually advised it was SIDS (Sudden Infant death syndrome) and it happens more than I realised 1 in 1000 babies.

I'm hoping this spreads awareness.

The point of me telling my story is, those who haven't experienced this kind of loss struggle to understand our endless battle, the waves, the memories and pain we hold is US. We have misunderstood judged.

Grief changes you, you have to learn to grow with it and try and accept it. Here is a link about the circle of grief. Which I found helpful and hope you all do too. Always be kind and take care ❤️💙

https://psychcentral.com/health/circle-of-grief-ring-theory