What is something you wish you could say to your past self?
Hold on tight, this is going to be a horrible ride.
@JustSomeone85 
Focus on school as you will go to college, and while you are at school look for gay support services as you are gay andd should not deny it.
@GenghisKhan1162 That would be a pretty good thing to tell your past self, yes.
@Sintix thank you for agreeing with what I said, I need that right now as I am back into a depression that was likely gone.
@GenghisKhan1162 Of course, I understand the struggle. Ohh, depression is creeping up to? I'm sorry, mate. I know it's hard. 
Research self-compassion, NPD, emotional abuse, trauma, DBT, effective communication, self-soothing activities, and active listening. Develop your critical thinking skills and develop how you relate to your emotional self. Surround yourself with people that feel safe and who show you that they are considering your thoughts, feelings, and well-being with their actions. Don't spend as much time at home with "mom." Get out of that situation asap. Assert your independence. Privately reconnect with those she isolated you from. Understand that she wouldn't seriously harm you because she needs the child support you give her. She won't act on her most severe ultimatems and threats because she'd risk endangering herself. She is ultimately the only person she's concerned about, in the end.
Realize your boundaries. What are your problems you can control. What are her problems that she can control. It's good to question things. However, don't let your second guessing of yourself get too out of hand that you doubt your own emotional experience and think how you feel is invalid.
Become aware of how you're suppressing how you feel (in order to stay safe). Find an environment where it's safe to look inward and start having a dialogue with the emotional pain you're carrying. Ask it what it's afraid of. Ask it what the threat is. Ask it why it's stopping you from doing the things you want and need to do. Listen carefully. Be its friend. Support it and encourage it to open up to you. Reflect back what it's telling you, so it knows you're listening and taking it seriously. Sit with the pain and allow yourself to feel it so that it can be released - so that you may be unburdened. Tell yourself that the emotions you're feeling are real because you feel them. Strike a balance between thinking and feeling, so that you're not purely up within your own mind all the time.
Youre doing good.
@minsuga94 Simple, I like it. 
@Sintix thank you! I thought abt it a lot and I realized, if I could go back to my young self I would not change a thing. I was teased a lot about my parents separating and now they did. Its something I have no control of all I have to do is look out for my brother.
@minsuga94 I remember those days. My mum seperated from many men in her life. I always felt somehow it was in my control, but in the end, it really isn't. It wasn't. I had to learn to let that thought go.
@Sintix Yes. Everything happened so quickly that I didnt have a chance to take everything in. All I thought about was my brother and I had to be strong for him.
Don't hang out with losers - they only drag you down. Only talk with people who will bring yourself up, and not drag you down.
@tornadolover3 I think yes, hanging out with people who are going to help you improve and build you up rather than drag you down is definitely good advice.
She will never be worth any of this. If she truly cared for you, she would have apologized in person and made sure you were doing okay. All she will ever do to you is cause the worst emotional trauma you have been through.
@Sintix dont hurt her. (her being Sonia)
@RainMann 
I don't know the situation, but yes not hurting people would result in so many things being different. I do hope it wasn't too serious.
@Sintix it was pretty serious. she broke all contact with me. and i just pray she is doing well. i hurt her when she was sick. no amount of guilt and regret is going to bring her back now. i just pray she finds immense love and happiness in her life. i pray to no god, but to sea, the stars and the infinite void in universe. i pray in oblivion. and i also slefishly pray she comes back to me. i miss her.
@RainMann I can tell you truly care about her. I totally understand your pain. I hurt someone I really really saw a future with. Every day I regret it. It's just part of growing.
@Sintix you seem young. i hope you grow. i hope you find a future with someone else. i am done. all i have is regret and guilt for rest of my life.
@RainMann Even with my being young, I have things holding me back from going after a future with anyone else. I do know how a lot of people consider it "too late". I've seen 70, 80 year olds getting married. Don't waste your life on holding yourself back, that's all I'm saying.
@Sintix what you say is perfectly sensible. but that is for the people who want to move on. i dont want to move on, i dont want to heal. i prefer to keep the wounds live. and i really am sorry for this depressing view of mine. i really appreciate your replies to my gibberish. your replies help me clear my own thoughts. no big deal if one Rainmaan doesnt get a partner in life. i just pray Sonia finds someone else worth falling in love with. I have proved to be a utter failure and a big disappointment to me and to her. you take your time Sintix. you are young. bounce back when you feel good.
