Self love is magical

I used to be very shy and quiet even in the crowd. When i was a child, adults will praise me for being obedient because i don't usually talk and just nod most of the time.

I always have those thoughts that:

"Everyone is looking at me because i'm ugly."

"Everyone hates me because i'm like this."

Teenage life was fun however insecurities was my biggest enemy that time. I have very low confidence with myself and i used to think whatever i do, it's all my fault.

My classmates would made fun of me for always saying sorry for little things. (Ex, bumping into a person or things.)

Whenever i think of those moments i will laugh because i was very different right now. Yes, i had changed and fortunately for the better.

I no longer thinks, i have to please anyone. Well, i'm still kind but there are times i would be indifferent because it was reasonable especially on those people who don't deserve your time.

I will now walk on the street, crowd or anywhere with my chin up and big smiles. Sometimes i would still asked myself whether i look silly because i am walking as if i am the main character or sometimes to prevent myself from getting anxious i would imagine myself as a side character that no matter what i do even if i tripped and fell, people wouldn't notice.

I am still working on it and it was ups and downs development. I just know if my younger self and current self met, it would be hilarious because i would be talking non-stop while my younger self would only listen and smile awkwardly.

I used to hold my mom's sleeve in public. I was very nervous and always thought i would get lost but last month when we're at the mall with my relatives i saw my mom behide me, following me as i lead the way.

Nobody really could understand me but myself. Once my therapist told me to believe i was pretty and i shouldn't doubt myself. My therapist was very happy when she saw again last year with my playful smile/laugh and i finally gained weight. Umm she also scolded me for drinking/eating unhealthy foods like milk tea, mcdo and chocolate. Last time i talked to her, i told her i was becoming better and i stopped my medication because i no longer needed it. The only problem i have was my school. For the last time she advice me to get a table and sat there, do my work like a normal student.

I am still holding on those words and an hour ago, after months of procastination i finally opened my computer and did my school research.

From self hating, i finally found good in myself. All those doubts that seems so endless was slowly becoming invisible.

Note:

• English is my second language.

• I need to fill my cup (yey)