25. A self reflection.

Come as you are.

*Offers a warm blanket because this is going to be long and I'd not want you to feel cold.*

25 feels like a lot. I wanted to stay 22 forever hehe. 

Sometimes, you feel behind in life, desiring to be somewhere else or someone else. Trying to fix yourself in some way. But, puzzles can puzzle you. 

Reminds me of a dialogue from one of my comfort movies Break ke baad, where Imran Khan says to Deepika Padukone,

"Sab kuch chahti ho aur ye bhi chahti ho ki dard bhi na ho. - You want everything and still want it not to hurt." 

I've been in a fight or flight mode for a long time. Barely surviving everyday. Doing things for the sake of doing them. Sometimes seeking comfort in distractions. Thinking someday I'd forget what it feels like to simply feel. Does it ever truly happen? Ask yourself and you'll know that facing oneself becomes inevitable sooner or later. 

Few months back, I decided to take a break from everything. Decided to slow down, allowing myself to feel. Heal something that I didn't want to acknowledge as broken.

And here I'm. With a cute dog, some books and my wonderful family and friends. 

Stilll clueless about a lot of things but better. Truly better. Trying everyday to untangle the knots in my brain. The ones I thought I'd never touch.

If today you feel like you're behind, I want you to know that things happened for a reason. Your growth is hidden but it is there. Your pace doesn't decide your worth or capabilities. (Even if the whole world tells you that it does.) Your flawed imperfect self is beautiful too. I know of a girl who's 23, specially abled and survived after living as a slave for 18 years of her life. And she's one of the best person out of all the people I've talked to. 

If someone were to ask me today what I was doing in the past when I was struggling, I'd say I loved. A lot. I've carried you with me wherever I went. I've known how you survived that abuse, the way got through your toughest exam, the love you felt for your dad, your worries for your pet's sickness, things that made you smile or left you mad. The smooth change in your tone when something excited you. Your small eyes that you were insecure about but contained the universe within them. How cute your voice sounded when you would talk half asleep. The way you helped that little girl with her homework. How bad you felt when you hurt your friend. Those small things that made you, you. I've carried your stories and scars, and I regret nothing. 

If there's something I would like my teenage self to know, then it would be that her love mattered. She was enough and loving others was never a crime she should have punished herself for. Today, I'm proud of her for not losing that part of her on days she didn't receive the same. On days she felt like a giver and took responsibility for the people she loved - wanting to fix everyone, patch every wound. On days she forgot to wipe her own tears but remembered to do it for everyone else. 

We always swam in the deep waters, didn't we? :)

But then where did it go wrong? 

Expectations. So high that she was chasing something that was never ending anytime soon. A wish to be a person who never hurts. Who never takes a wrong step. 

Today, I'm not trying to do everything perfectly. Just feeling the process.The good parts of this growth and the uncomfortable ones. Just doing things without making them look like a masterpiece. 

Because, they already are. 

Like you, yourself. :)

Perhaps, that love was meant to be flawed. My favorite song was intended to include the sound of the dog's sneeze. The card I crafted for my aunt was destined to go bad when all I desired was a finishing touch. I had to recieve a bad grade for studying Chemistry instead of Biology because I thought I could fix the former. 

Those small attempts mattered. 

I'm learning my lessons. As I've recited to myself every day for the past few years,

"Lessons in life will be repeated until they're learned."

Someone recently told me to look at my steps like that of a child. What would you say to a child who's learning to write and writes something imperfectly? Would you punish the child or teach with love? That's where the answer lies.

I'm learning to walk again. Baby steps everyday. And I hope you forgive yourself and let your inner child show up. The world is a scary place. Don't keep yourself scared of you in order to protect yourself. Make yourself your home. Hold that light in your own hand. As always. 

Let this be the reminder for you and me.

I'm thankful to the people who made it this far with me. I'm proud of you, too! And I appreciate your presence , strength and patience. You've made the world warmer for me. Sometimes, I wished to soften up a little and you showed up. With the trust that I didn't have for myself. Thank you for being you. ✨

"Zendagi migzara - life goes on."