Just venting a Relationship

So I'm singles in my 40s; male, no kids blah blah blah.

Met a lady my age, in a chat room off this site, and we clicked, been talking to her for a year via text an FB, her story is complicated but in short, she is stuck in a marriage she is no longer in love with, and she is living in the same house as a room mate basically, since she cant afford to be on her own. I have no reason to believe she is lieing to me, she doesnt ask me for anything and we do not talk daily but try to talk 2-3 times a week.

Today i finally had a vid chat with her on FB, my anxiety made it hard to relax, and i got bored like 5 min into being on the chat.. and im like wtf am I doing.

I find myself to be really bizarre, I have no social life irl due to social anxiety disorder, im not bad looking, i have great qualities about me, cons are I am unemployed with no car, but i got an idea to fix that.

an im realzing how lonely I am in life, and for the past few months this gal is always on my mind, and part of me really does love her, or at least talking to her, and I think the vid chat, kinda moved more into the, I love her as a friend,  which I guess is a good thing, but it puts me back into why am I always waiting to talk to her, I talk to other people online I dont focus on them as much as I do her.

I just dont know. I wish she had not told me she loved me I think that threw me for a loop, because it was New Years Eve of last year and she threw it out rather non chalant,  so that should maybe tell me she loves me as a friend as well. which i know she does, but i guess i mean, i shouldnt need her to explain to me what level she loves me.

 i just get exhausted with thinking about this.  im like, can i live without her, yes, would i be intimate with her, yes, am I eager to be intimate with her, no, do i see myself having a good solid relationship with her, if her life was not so messy,  yes,,, 

there is just this level of i think indifference and uncertainty in me, on one hand she cheers me up and is great to talk to, and i can invision myself really enjoying spending time with her, on the other hand, she doesnt show any real level of interest in me other than when she i guess to what I assume is bored and tells me she misses me, she doesnt ask me how i have been, etc, but to be honest..... I have never met a woman, who was interested me and asked me how I am doing, how was your day etc. and that has always hurt.

so any small attention I get from a woman who like this one does, tells me on occasion she misses me, that i am cute and adorable and funny, it means a lot to me. but i notice the other things, the not asking how i am doing, etc. 

and I find it sad, that my own sister, took her time, to make me a hand drawn valentines day card, and told me, that she was sending it to me, and sadly, i had to be the first to reach out to this friend of mine and wish her a happy valentines day, i mean come on.

I tell myself come on,

I know better.

and maybe, im just wanting too much or I want myself to be in love with her, when it just isnt there, and it is coming to a point now, where, after this vid chat, i feel like, I have to start slowly ever so slowly distancing myself.

and i really dont want to distance myself from her. cause sadly she is all i got.

im tired of being alone, i want to be in love, i want to love someone, and i guess im not sure if i am settling, which maybe to a degree i am, or am i ready to just say i am choosing to love this person and i am willing to accept no one is perfect and what i expect isn't realistic. 

an honestly I deal with such internal suicidal ideation and passive tendenicies , that i should honestly just dedicate myself, to myself in terms of only focus on staying alive and not bother with relationships or friendships even. Cause my life has always been a struggle, ( whos' hasnt " ) 

but I just feel like, this rope i have been hanging on to all my life, instead of climbing up it, i keep losing my grip, and i slide a bit lower to the end of it every year, and that it wouldnt take but one more really good swing of the rope, to shake me off it.

and I have had a couple really good swings thus far to have knocked me so far down this rope.

and after awhile i just hang on the rope going what's the point. and i tell myself to not hurt my family for one, and really that is the only honest reason i hang on. not cause life might get better or because there is a chance that there is the right woman who will love me in the proper way that is a two way relationship / recipricol, or how ever ya spell it ( enjoy the typos and errors  i got a screen of red underlined words ).

or maybe i just need to succumb to the idea that socializing online and having a sad online relationship is the most i can hope for in any meaningful way.