Balancing act

I love stories. I love tales of heroism and human beings overcoming impossible odds and their own demons. I love stories of struggle and conflict, and the drive to push on no matter how hard. But I also love kindness. I love animals and happy stories of people helping each other, of good in peoples hearts. Yet I feel like I can not balance these things in real life. I dislike labels, but I understand their purpose if for nothing more than target identification. So labels: I am a artist, a writer, a soldier, a combat veteran, a sufferer of PTSD, maniac depressive, with Asperger's syndrome, sleep apnea and hypothyroidism. I make art for fun and to cope with stress. I joined the military so I could get college and ensure my family to have a good life. I deployed to Afghanistan and did awful shit that haunts my brain. Sometimes Im terrified of how bad things got and how lucky I am to be here,sometimes Im scared that I wanna go back. Combat was the most intoxicatingly intense frightening fun awful thing I ever experienced. I felt like I had my purpose in the same seconds I felt I was going to go home in a box. I cant talk to people. I guess its part of Aspergers. Im detail oriented. I write stories. I think Im having a conversation but I guess Im really just narrating like a museum curator. Some people find it interesting at first but my novelty quickly wears off. I just feel so lost.