Shadows Mental Health Awareness *Triggering Speech*
I want to spread awareness about my variety of struggles here in hopes to educate people about all the things going on inside my brain. I feel like I don't exist. I feel like inside of me and outside of me do not exist. I feel like I am a shadow with no name. I feel that there is a wolf in my skin devouring my true self. I feel my bones do not belong to me, I feel my eyeballs do not belong to me, I feel my organs are machines that work around a vaccuum suction. I can't rest, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I hear riducule. It repeats itself, from the table, from the chair, from the mirror, from my own eyeballs "I don't belong. I don't belong. Go (censored) yourself. Everyone hates you. Everyone wants to (censored) you." In relation to suicide I feel that I am being tracked and a monster. I feel "scammed" I feel betrayed. I feel broken. I feel.... I am a "demon" and I am the "demon slayer"
Why am I the only one in this world who isn't related to anything? Why am I the only one in this world who doesn't exist. Who isn't capable of relating to human beings. Why am I the only one ignored? Where have I gone? Why am I alive? Who I am? Why am I always silenced everywhere I go? Why Do I lack companionship? Why do I constantly have to suffer alone? Why do I have to be "This."
I was driven away by my roommates which triggered a lot in me today. It was something small, but I obsessed over it and now I am avoiding everyone in sight, becoming angry/hostile speech. They invaded my personal space today my brain didn't take that too well. Everyone needs a private space, coming in a room suddenly was a trigger for me. My entire mentality fell apart after this... I want nothing to do with them, I wish my physical body would evaporate into tiny particles as I leave my stress behind in this environment... I don't want to be here, I never wanted to be here... I didn't ask for this, I didn't ask to meet them.... yet here I am.. trapped as I store into deep depression.
My head is a piece of spaghetti
wiring mashed up potatos
inside of robot frame
power lines outside making
humminng is painful about being a human skin trapped within
Generalized anxiety, psychosis, compulsive behaviour, social anxiety trapped at 9:50
due to clock radio tower stalker what happened my brain
^ this is how my brain feels.
Exhaustion. Physically and mentally I keep going somehow despite feeling so beaten. It hurts to live as I isolate in my room over and over. It hurts to be in this world. A part of me has been melting wax for quite awhile... slowly dripping as the years pass. Years. Where I've been anymore... you know... travelling a staircase up and down over and over in a loop. Here I go down, here I go up. Cellphone, reception, dog, bother psychiatrics. Back feels like it can't hold my body... body... feels it can't keep together... It never ends... constantly.... criticism... judgement... frustration... too tired... further investigation has always been needed... as I was hopelessly laying on the cold carpet, tearing me apart... With my own lack of tears.
