how do you get past the realization youre the only one who can meaningfully help yourself?
um. the title sounds really sad but ill explain what i mean.
like no matter who i talk to or reach out to for help, ni matter the advice or support i get, working on getting better is only up to me. like asking for advice on how to get things done when depressed, right? like theres nothing that person can do for you except tell you to do it. theres nothing you CAN do except do it.
so idk. that just seems insurmountably hard. like i can complain and be sad to my mom or a therapist or some nonexistent friends all i want but in the end, everyones got their own problems to deal with and the only person who can get me out of bed or calm me down or work on catching up on work is myself. i can talk to a therapist but the homework and restructuring my thoughts and listening to what theyre saying is all up to me. but i dont feel like i can rely on myself. which is dumb because like if i want to get better why wouldnt i be trying my hardest. and then i go in circles and circles wondering if anything is ever gonna change and if changing its even worth it.
I just keep getting stuck on it and if i think about it too long it really upsets me. Because like "nobody cares/nobody understands" is the kind of stuff angry teenagers say but its truly a little bit like that, just not in such a gloomy way i guess. it just makes me feel alone and a little bit like trying to work on my problems isnt worth the trouble its going to take, which i know isnt a healthy way of looking at things but i cant really stop thinking it :/
i struggle with this a lot. i don’t have a lot of support in my life. all my family lives in my home state and i moved out here to have easier access to substances and more solitude. but the last three years have been so difficult and traumatising and i have resorted back to self-neglect. i really don’t care about myself whatsoever. last month i took too much and started having seizures and my cats were really concerned. i started thinking about how no one is gonna know if i died, so who would come and save my cats? everyone i try to talk to cannot fathom how much i don’t want to be here and how much i hate myself and i always feel really out of place. i’m trying to work on a perception change which is super hard cos i’m so pessimistic about everything. i hate having to unlearn everything i know and no one can do that for me. it’s really not fun but i understand. if you can, get an animal. they’re so much better than humans.
this had more to it but i had to rewrite it cos it sounds concerning apparently.
