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apricottree
2 183 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes30 Current upvotes30 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 29, 2021
Recent forum posts
how do you get around the paradox of having to talk to somebody about the fact that you cant talk to anybody?
Anxiety Support / by apricottree
Last post
 October 9th
...See more I havent been on this website for years, but i had quite a bad day and want some advice, so excuse me if this isnt quite within the etiquette of posting on here. Ive been dealing for years with what i guess i would call extreme social anxiety. Its caused a lot of bad things for me unfortunately.  I try to find generic advice, but i seem to be a bit different from what people generally seem to regard as social anxiety. I dont really feel all that insecure, and Im not worried about making people like me, and I understand social cues--it feels more like a physical response to me, and I go almost mute. Its like i completely shut down when i have to talk and even knowing what i should say the words will not come out, meaning ill say "i dont know" when i do, if me explaining would take more words, for example. If i have to speak with too many people in a row, or do something i was not planning on, i start to cry and it is very hard to get myself to calm down. I am always worrying im not where im supposed to be, or that im breaking some rule i dont know about.  I really need to seek out help about this, as helping myself hasnt been working. I dont want to be someone who makes people uncomfortable crying over very small things, especially at work.  Problem being, I have tried going to doctors twice now, and both times been told they werent able to help me... I understand that i cant expect them to chase me down and beg me to participate if im not even able to meet them halfway and tell them why i was there. But in the one instance, the woman told me, even after i had tried telling this to her, that there is nothing she can do about not talking and that unless i can outline exactly why i answered what i did on my screening test and what i want her to do about that then theres nothing she can do. The other time, i think i might have just been somewhere with resources not suited to my problems, as i was told only that there was a group coloring and sharing session and i should come back some time during one of those T_T  Is there some specific thing i should be saying? The idea of even setting up the appointment terrifies me and I dont know that id even be able to get the words out should i actually get to a professional, but its really terribly wrecking my life at the moment. 
how do you get past the realization youre the only one who can meaningfully help yourself?
General Support / by apricottree
Last post
 July 19th, 2021
...See more um. the title sounds really sad but ill explain what i mean. like no matter who i talk to or reach out to for help, ni matter the advice or support i get, working on getting better is only up to me. like asking for advice on how to get things done when depressed, right? like theres nothing that person can do for you except tell you to do it. theres nothing you CAN do except do it. so idk. that just seems insurmountably hard. like i can complain and be sad to my mom or a therapist or some nonexistent friends all i want but in the end, everyones got their own problems to deal with and the only person who can get me out of bed or calm me down or work on catching up on work is myself. i can talk to a therapist but the homework and restructuring my thoughts and listening to what theyre saying is all up to me. but i dont feel like i can rely on myself. which is dumb because like if i want to get better why wouldnt i be trying my hardest. and then i go in circles and circles wondering if anything is ever gonna change and if changing its even worth it. I just keep getting stuck on it and if i think about it too long it really upsets me. Because like "nobody cares/nobody understands" is the kind of stuff angry teenagers say but its truly a little bit like that, just not in such a gloomy way i guess. it just makes me feel alone and a little bit like trying to work on my problems isnt worth the trouble its going to take, which i know isnt a healthy way of looking at things but i cant really stop thinking it :/
i feel like my social anxiety is keeping me from getting any kind of help
Anxiety Support / by apricottree
Last post
 June 26th, 2021
...See more i guess this is a vent more than anything because i dont really have anyone else to talk to. i know my only solution is to work on it on my own until i feel comfortable seeking help, but the experience was still rrally upsetting. so i went to a health center today to try to work out some kind of mental heath treatment idk what the right word would be. and i cant really talk to strangers so getting there in the first place was a major struggle. I fill out the little survey and eventually talk to a lady who asked me to elaborate a little bit on some of the stuff. the problem is shes also a stranger and that made me start crying immediately after we started talking. and when im freaked out like that i feel like i need my responses to be as short and noncommital as possible, mostly just "i dont know" and "i guess", stuff like that. so she asked me to go into detail on circumstances and such and i said i wasnt really sure, asked how long its been going on and i said idk, asked if i was hoping to seek therapy and i again said i didnt know. I felt really bad because i vould tell she was getting a little frustrated having to ask me to repeat myself when she couldnt hear me and that i started crying when she was just asking routine questions. I had things i wanted to talk about but i just cant get the words out when im panicking like that. and i guess bc of my avoidant answers she told me that unless i had specific concerns about gad or depression then she didnt have anything that could help me. i told my mom that when i got back home and she was really pissed saying there was clearly some way to help because i obviously had some kind of issue and that made me feel worse because its not like the woman did it on purpose it was because i couldnt answers her questions directly and accurately. again. I know all i need to do is stop moping over it and work by myself until i feel like im at a point where i would be able to talk to someone about specifics/look into therapy/medication or something but the whole experience just has me really sad and i wanted to talk about it and well i dont really have anywhere else to say this or anyone to say it to. its just really upsetting because it took me forever to work up the courage to go in the first place and nothing came of it and its really hard to do this by myself but im the only person who can do anything about it :-/
it sucks not having any friends
Depression Support / by apricottree
Last post
 May 19th, 2021
...See more i have been by myself since about halfway through my junior year of hs, except the occasional conversion with a cousin of mine bc she felt bad for me. but i dont even talk with her anymore. my friends before then werent close, it was just a small group of 4 or so of us who didnt fit in anywhere else, and then it was just me and another girl bc the others refused to associate with her bc she started doing drugs, and then one day she dropped out and i had no friends. at least in high school people would still talk to me, even if it was just to copy my schoolwork. I didnt always like it and it upset me sometimes because im really bad with social interaction type stuff, as well as the fact that id occasionally get people whod do the whole asking questions but actually laughing with their friends about your answers thing. but as much as i hated it there and was annoyed out of my mind a lot od the time i think the interaction still was good for me in the long run. but now ive graduated, and through my first year of college i didnt make any friends, and probably weirded out the people i was assigned group work with based on the interactions i had with them. I cant really talk until i know exactly what i need to be saying and even then its really hard to get thr courage when its with strangers, so people would get mad at me because when they asked to check answers i would shrug because i didnt have it or struggle for a full minute to try to start saying what i got. i guess this parts off topic but im just horrible with people but so lonely. i guess im not really trying. I didnt join clubs and i sat quietly when i couldve struck up a conversation with the people next to me. but thats so genuinely hard for me im not even sure how to convey it with words, and id rather deal with the boredom and loneliness rhan the horrible embarassment that will stick with me for months or years. but at the same time, i really just want somebody to talk to. i only see my family anymore, and only talking to my mom and my 10 year old brother just isnt that great for my mental health id guess. even if it was just somebody to text. im alone all the time, and bored a lot, i dont use social media either, i just feel so disconnected and sad especially when people on tv or online talk about how humans are social and how friendship is so meaningful. ill watch a tv show or read a book about a group of friends and itll make me me feel hollow in my chest even if its nothing sad because i want that so bsd, i want people to be around and hang out with and talk to. because i dont have anyone and i havent since i was 17, and even before that i never had the kind of friends you invite to sleepovers and stay up texting and know everything about. i dont know how to get that either, and at this point it might just be too late. i hope its not, but im really sick of being alone
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