cluttered mind, cluttered life
I can't get anything right. I'm a mess. Im sailing to no direction and I know I should not be okay with feeling this way but I get so overwhelmed by everything so ignore these emotions because I'm too apathetic to even care about myself. And I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm not thinking straight at all. All I know is that I need help. My doctor mother won't even listen to me and maybe she's right but why am I like this?? How could I ask for help when I can't even explain myself? How can I ask for help even if I know I don't deserve it or anything.
You're asking for help now and doing pretty good at it. You may not see your own worth; and thats alright. Sometimes our minds get so very cluttered with unhelpful thoughts and feelings its near impossible to actually see and think PAST those moments. Sometimes in life we have to sail without any real direction because chugging along at full tilt will make it so our eyes are completly blinded by the possibility of ever finding our passion and joy. We'd never find our bliss. That may not be the case here but just know there is something out there that can make you feel better. Be it art, or dancing, music, writing, a good book, excellent film, cool people, or maybe even a volunteer event. If you take samples of different things then maybe you'll find YOUR thing. I understand apathy and being apathetic in situations; my mom was driven as well and during my growing up she pushed and forced me to do stuff through my depression in a most unhealthy way- but...I got through them. Unfortunately most of the time the depression then turned into a fiery rage but at least I was up. If your mom is a doctor she may be harder to talk to about stuff like this- maybe some research on your own may help. What you're describing sounds like depression or even dystimia. Perhaps if you have a medical term to walk up to her with, she'll be more responsive?
Thank you for your support it means a lot to me that there are those who try to reach out or atleast not think im being dramatic. As for my mom, she doesn't believe in some mental illnesses most particularly depression. She says it's a choice to allow or to succumb to such feelings. In her own way, I know she's just teaching me to be stronger and I am grateful for that. So I don't acknowledge my depressed side of me because of what I was taught to believe and most of you know how scary it is to lose yourself. But I don't feel healthy at all, mentally and now physically. I have a hard time getting up in the morning, I can't sleep at night, making simple mundane decisions could be so difficult, it's either I eat too much or too little, I feel tired all the time, and genuine happiness is getting so rare I miss it . I used to sing a lot and make music. I used to make stories. Now I spend whatever time I have thinking of how I'm never to make it. There are a million beautiful things in life such as opportunities and people who love and it would be stupid to ignore such blessings, but I cannot find the courage to go in a world just as cruel as beautiful. I don't want to die, but it seems too easy compared to life which is a trap itself. I really don't want to be like this, and I don't tell my friends.or family because they see no reason for me to be this way. But I am this way and I don't know what to do now that I have come to accept this fact. I find myself stuck in a box, it's dark and it's lonely, and I could get out if I try. But the thing is, I don't want to anymore.