blank.

I'm feeling pretty blank these days. I have been really low recently and now just nothing. I hate this blank feeling . I've tried forcing myself to feel something, anything. I've purposefully put myself in situations to force a feeling. Intentially trying to make myself feel something, usually emotional pain. It's the easiest emotion to stir. But it's short lived. Watching things that trigger me, make my anxiety go through the roof but it just doesn't last. I'm affraid ill resort to other forms of pain, something physical. I'm running out of options and the call is getting louder. I really don't want to for other people sake but it's there in the back of my mind and steadily coming to the forefront. I'm scared it will go to far and ill do some major damage. I don't care for myself but my loved ones would be so upset with me and for me. I've not been open with anyone in a long time so to tell someone would be so hard but I think I need to. I'm affraid the words won't come out and my mind will go as blank as my mood. I'm stuck in the nothingness and cannot escape.