It feels too late to have meaningful romantic relationships.
As silly as that may sound, perhaps I am being pessimistic. That is a possibility, but I always felt like over our earlier years we sort of build up or gain a semi understanding of relationships in some capacity. Even if they happen to not work out all that well, but me now midway through my twenties it makes me realize that I lack that experience.
Perhaps I could get it at some point, but it feels like it would be difficult given my lack of much experience. The expectation especially is for me to take the first step, something I am not sure if I am completely capable of to be honest and I would hate to be embarrassed for not knowing certain things.Â
@UnsungTangerine
I would agree you sound a little bit pessimistic.
Believe it or not, I met the love of my life being 40+. Yes, I know, it was late - but better late than never 😊Â
May I ask you how would you define experience? Is it some kind of certainty that you are born with, or does it take a lot of trying?
I believe it is not embarrassing to not know anything... But it could be embarrassing not to ask questions. Especially nowadays, it seems that people grow and learn through their entire lives.
@jacek73 The motions of dating and knowing how to do so. I would say that I haven't quite grasped that yet. Although anything can happen really.Â
Maybe it's just lack of confidence.Â
@UnsungTangerine
I think that going to a date is always like sailing the uncharted waters. It is like discovering a new world, with some risk, but also with a lot of surprises.
What I am trying to do in such circumstances is being myself as far as possible. Not telling the story of my entire life in one evening (to not let the other person to be overwhelmed, bored or too much in control). I think it is about how you feel with this person: excited, smiling, safe, or maybe insecure or bored? Being reasonably cautious, but not overly cautious, is important.
I believe it is good to be aware of some red flags. For example, when I was to go on a date with a woman, but she got too drunk the day before to leave her bed, my definite "NO" about meeting her at all was as huge as a mountain.
Another example, seeing my partner being rude to a waitress makes me think the person can be as rude to me soon, and it is just a matter of time.
But coming back to more optimistic things 😊 What I really like in the world of nowadays is the fact that it's socially accepted for a woman to show some interest in a man, or even asking him for a date, without being stupidly accused of being "too easy".
I don't know how much lack of experience we are discussing, but as someone who also lacks experience in certain aspects of romantic relationships, I can understand where you are coming from to some extent.
I once felt insecure about the things that others my age had already accomplished. I felt a bit ashamed when I considered how my lack of experience reflected on me. I didn't expect those with more experience to understand why I didn’t have as much experience in certain areas as they did.
However, over the years, I have come to prioritize different aspects of my life beyond my lack of experience compared to others. My relationships with people—both romantic and platonic—have played a significant role in this shift. I struggled to understand how to build healthy relationships, including how to communicate my boundaries, feelings, and desires. As a result, I developed toxic relationships that affected me emotionally and psychologically.
This is why my main priority now is to learn how to form healthy relationships with others. This focus has helped me reduce the desperation I once felt in trying to catch up on experiences that others my age seem to have.
I'm not sure if focusing your mind on something else will help you as it did for me, but based on my experience, I believe it's important to cultivate healthy relationships with others. Having a healthy romantic relationship—especially for the first time—can be far more valuable than being in a relationship where you aren't able to maintain a healthy relationship.
I’m not entirely certain that our first romantic experiences shape our future relationships, but in my case, being in a toxic relationship without any prior experience made me think that certain unhealthy behaviors were normal when they were not.
After I realized that the behaviors in my previous relationship were manipulative and I decided to break up with that person, I struggled to maintain a healthy relationship in my next one. Although this new partner was different in every way and seemed healthier and more emotionally intelligent than my last partner—and even myself—my past wounds made me feel triggered and defensive constantly. I often found myself unsure if I was misinterpreting this person's behavior or if I was right to think that they were also being manipulative.
So, to help prevent feelings of desperation and to avoid situations similar to my own, I encourage you to reflect on the relationships you currently have, whether with friends or family. It's important to assess whether you can maintain healthy relationships with others before pursuing a romantic one.
@energeticPrune260
It seems I understand the having NO experience vs. having BAD experience dilemma.
Yes, I agree, that is good to talk to friends or family while feeling confused. But I think that is essential to talk to people with HEALTHY relationship experience. Because I think it's hard to expect any good advice about the first or the second date from a person who has just gone through a nasty divorce, feeling nervous, disappointed and bitter. Or from a person who do not trust women or men "as a rule" and spent their last 30 years alone. Sometimes people with some really bad experience also tend to be oversensitive in some areas and cry wolf when there is no need to.
I think that is also a matter of our own boundaries: To be open enough to see what our friends or family may observe, but without letting them to take control of our relationship or influencing it too much.
think it's a good idea to talk to friends and family who have healthy relationship experiences, as you mentioned. I didn't consider this before because, based on my observations, I don't think healthy relationships are a standard for finding someone who can give us an idea of what a healthy relationship looks like.
Most of the people I've met have personal issues that they still need to work on, or they are unaware that they have a problem, which is understandable since they are limited to their own experiences.
As a result, I prefer to do my own research on the internet whenever I'm unsure about whether my behavior or the behavior of others is healthy. After all, I want to form my own understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like rather than relying on other people's opinions about what is acceptable or not.
I know many people who have had their first relationships in their 30's or 40's or even later. It's very possible, and a lot of people are very ok with having an inexperienced partner as long as they have a willingness to learn and grow. Â
I actually made a post about this on reddit for my friend who is in a similar position but in their 30's, a subreddit dedicated to romance books, if you are interested in reading about it, https://www.reddit.com/r/RomanceBooks/comments/1gum515/recs_for_very_wholesome_cr_w_extremely/
@UnsungTangerine I gave up dating at 25, I've survived fine, too much work for too much heartbreak, much less stressful alone