How do you people share personal information with anyone in real life?
[My brain's kind of broken right now since few hours ago (I can't recall) also and I was panicking and other things earlier. Pardon my poor English, and so on. I added the more direct contexts and hope someone has something to say that might mimic it or bring other subjects into the mix; as well as maybe going about angles I mentioned later, and more. Or just a sentence or 2 is fine. I'm trying to address it again and I'm desperate. My brain's not functioning right since few hours, so bear with me please if you want, I'd beg if it's ok]
I've probably formulated extremely well and explained extensively few issues and questions surrounding this 20+ times over the last years. I've spent the last 15+ years avoiding to disclose personal information with anyone irl; it went to some extremes once I was a teenager and accumulated personal/such issues. I've never been open with anyone irl. I've spent all my energy and time for the last 3.5 years now on only breaking mental structures that made sure no personal information would seep out by accident. I had literal suicide protocols and a lot of stuff like that and would spend literal months trying to break myself through stress, sleep deprivation and so on, so I'd make new fears and get in some survival mode easier. I could stay up 3-4 days often for few years just over these types of systems. Like I spent over 4 years on just that from 2014. I genuinely felt like multiple people and a team for this and in general since even before that. It's just a very serious minefield that ricochets on other sets of very intense issues, and it's not structured anymore; it's all entangled or completely loose associatively sometimes. And while I cry often about the very absurd amount of progress I've had, I'd still get extremely extremely wary and intense (unseemingly, if I can hide the stare) if I'm near any sort of gp or clinical people, among lots of other issues I'd have once that's resolved. Since my only life goal is to see a professional before dying, this is quite more important than my survival or responsibilities for me, though I do avoid it; sure that's something to delve into.
There's so much to reformulate about the initial question, and so many deeper problematics to bring into this, and I had made a thread here maybe 1-2 years ago, and many other places with more diverse details before that, but seriously I need to make sure a discussion starts and that I somehow address it with my very increasingly deteriorated grasp on all of this, so I can start actualizing and growing again. I'm not functioning ok 95% of the time, and I'm neither the masochist I was or the machine my body used to allow.
Everything's a veil right now, but please maybe give a reflection about your end on these things and also on :
Sharing information, addressing new vulnerabilities, addressing assured but unpredictable terrors and assuring it's not catastrophic once any sparks off, seeing a professional of any kind for the first time
Treat me like I'm extremely young/intensely sensitive and tender; an extremely guarded teen/young adult or some sort of odd alien if you want. No other parts of my life have developed too normally, so discard any humanity there apart from base function of emotions, associations, cognitions, subconscious stuff and so on.
Sorry for not nuancing anything in this, it's just not working out and I've lost it so many times my mind's not caring or grasping things right in this realm, and I can't focus on anything since some time.
(24M)
@GiraffesAreCHOPNS hi <3
i took my time reading through that, and then once over again to make sure i didn't miss anything. i think i am ready to share my thoughts now.
you are incredibly self-aware, that's what i'd like to begin with. when facing such an intense issue—or rather, complex—it's crucial to acknowledge that it's unusual. that's the very first step, and it's by no means the hardest, but it's still difficult. give yourself credit for that.
it's evident from what you've written that there's very few things that you care about. whatever little was left has been consumed by this ever-growing desire to keep everything personal hidden from others. but there's something i don't understand, what personal information? i mean, that's ironic, because that's the very question you can't answer. fear not, that's not what i meant to ask. i meant to say, have you perhaps, gotten so fueled by keeping everything secret, that you yourself have lost sight of what you were protecting in the first place? just something to ponder upon.
moving on. you need to confront yourself. i know that sounds pretty generic, but what i mean is, you need to really ask yourself what you're scared of. usually, issues like this are fueled by fear. you don't have to tell me what it is. you just need to acknowledge it yourself. you've been trying to gather courage & rally your mind to go to a professional to get it sorted out, right? i don't know what level of red lights this rings in your head, but you've managed to overcome the telling personal information online. look at you, you've managed to talk about your issues, not once, but many times. credit yourself for that as well.
speaking to someone irl is vastly different, and i understand on some sort of level, why it's illicting such a violent response in your head. there's no easy way to do it, no way to turn it off. you can only leak it out bit by bit. baby steps work. you need to rewire your brain. reward yourself when you do something good. you're able to distinguish good from bad. healthy from unhealthy. so we can trust you to do this. reward yourself for talking about this issue on here, for posting about it. a small victory against the parasite that wants you to stay hidden. win the battles to win the war.
engage with us, take part in the community, let it be leaked out of you. embrace it.
i promise to be here with you through it
@milkoreos
Hey I've been wanting to say that I really appreciate the response and I'll try to respond soon enough. Sorry for going silent, I might not feel able to feel or write as well as I'd want today. I really do appreciate it and it means so extremely much to me, though.
@milkoreos
I know they’re rhetorical, but going on from those questions - there were some secrets and subtle patterns/traits reinforced initially since I was really young (5-9), and then couple more intense problems grew in the years after, and then some other more intensely traumatic events and circumstances came later, the latter might’ve built on this already generalized issue.
Then it just went into some self reinforcing obsession that worked in tandem with many issues that were as bad/intense stress-wise and synergetic with each other. And so nothing would’ve ramped up in as intense/synergetic ways if there wasn’t a variety of really different issues adding to it.
It’s madly generalized like you alluded to, but you’re right that there have been pillars; they’re not things I can confront more than I already have prior to going. I’ll only bring those types of intense subjects into discussion once I feel enough trust and safety with a professional (and with the setting). It was more of a conscious and still justified, but complicated obsession if anything.
I just want to point out that the fear functions more like panic and so has built a variety of responses that themselves have meshed and grown with their related issues for over a decade. And since all of it is in tandem in reinforcing the stress/focus, the reactions used to be extremely trained in further concealing anything and in building onto the stress.
But now all of this energy just blurs my understanding/memory to an extreme and either causes overwhelm or extreme numbness/drowsiness. (it’s absurd how much less intense these reactions are now, and I’m working on it, just to say)
And for confronting, again, every issues makes a variety of other issues feel extremely terrifying at once - picking any angle to untangle or address any simple thing is impossible as of now if I want to be healthy. I used to regularly try to get myself to panic and adapt to constant stress to untangle and overthink things with panic/survival-energy, and that worked to understand these things, but it’s not OK for my health even in moderation. I’ve been avoiding those patterns and sharply stopped ever since I started working on this. And within those levels of stress, old patterns could actually function and go against my new efforts.
In any case I’ve given myself like 100’s of hours of work reading through old stuff and what not to maybe make lists and rewrite some things. I won’t remember any simple detail on the spot (and absolutely nothing first times I get there), and so writing in advance is quite necessary.
And thank you again for the kind words and validation, it means a lot, and I’ll keep doing those things^ My week has been very draining emotionally, so I’m sorry I couldn’t write in neither the quality or time I’d mean to; I do appreciate your message, though.
@GiraffesAreCHOPNS hey again <3
I'm sorry it took me a day to reply, I saw the notification for it, and I upvoted it but I've only gotten to it now. I want you to keep coming back, keep writing things down. It's true that it's open to people to see, but it's a way for you to get it out. Studying yourself is important. I'm proud of you for clearly confronting everything about your current and past behavior.
If you'd like, I could engage with your posts, and reply to it every time you update it. Or I could just silently read and upvote it. Just so you know I'm here, and I'm listening. It'll take a while for you to completely trust a therapist or a professional worker. But it's their job to do this. It's their job to make you comfortable and keep you coming back so they can help you. They are skilled in getting you to relax and open up.
Keep coming back.
@milkoreos
Oh no worries, even if it takes a week or anything I'll always appreciate. I mostly steer things toward letter type formats, since people (and I) get tired and might not all be there for it all the time - and the writing styles are feel more suited sometimes.
Well I really try to think about these things less nowadays and not overthink it all the time like I used to 3+ years ago (mostly out of stress/panic), maybe I'll find a balance, but thank you.
That's really kind, and really reassuring to read if anything, thank you. I'll try to be on top of this a little bit more, so to write more and all again.
