How do I get back my drive for life?
Hi there, been on this site for a year now, using it to help me cope with the loss of my late grandfather as of last January. I've tried a lot of things since then, and I'm not sure if I'm still grieving the loss or just tired from being turned away from my attempts to get into the world and get a job, but I just feel like I've lost that spark for life yah know?
Let me be clear though that I'm NOT suicidal, but I just feel like I have stuff I wanna do, but I can't will myself to do them. No matter how much I wanted to before, or dreamed of doing prior to all these hardships I've endured It makes it tough to really wanna give my all when everything seems pointless.
Does anyone have any advice to get out of this rut that I'm in? I just really need help cause I can't seem to save myself despite wanting to.
Some of my examples of hardships for reference
Job hunting: https://www.7cups.com/forum/CLASSIFIEDS_94/MembersClassifieds_360/Ineedhelpfindingworkbeenoutofajobfortwoyears_26286/
Depression & loss: https://www.7cups.com/forum/DepressionSupportCommunity_52/Depression_30/SeekingFreedomfromDepressionIneedhelpthough_22377/
Hi @AwildBidoof, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, you guys seemed close and it's always very distressing when we lose someone close. The is no time in healing, this differes from each person, but in time our lives get better.
In terms of finding your spark, I don't quite know what to say, but I would suggest making small plans for the here and now rather than the distant future, set yourself some little achievable goals, so you can gain a little more confidence each day, and talk about your feelings, don't keep them hidden because this may cause isolation.
I wish you well, and I'm pretty sure your grandfather is watching over you with pride. Be easy on yourself and take care.
@navyTortoise5674
I have a lot of free time, so I feel like doing things should be easy if I could just will myself to do so XD I still hang out with friends in life on the weekends, and play games with them nearly everyday. As for being productive in job hunts and being creative with my art skills, I really want to do something where I can make something nice for others to enjoy, but I struggle to apply myself. I am not sure how to keep to my small goals without falling off the bandwagon.
@AwildBidoof
I know how hard it can be sometimes to find the inspiration and spark to move forward, and sometimes we just have to dig deep within our self's to find it ! It's there, we all have it, it's just temporarily lost!
Try and surround yourself with the positive people in your life, the ones who make you laugh, the ones who understand you.
Your say you are creative! Fabulous! Can you think of a project you've always wanted to do? Perhaps you can spend sometime developing it ☺
@navyTortoise5674
Well, I've studied game design in college, but I'm not really a programmer sadly. I can't seem to wrap my mind around the coding parts of the stuff, and my college wasn't very good at teaching those classes.
I am an artist of sorts, but I mostl stick to pencil drawings as I'm nervous about my digital art. I'm not very good digitally, though I want to be better. darn depressed mood makes it hard to even try to get anywhere.-w-"""
I very much hope you are able to find a spark to light under your butt to get yourself back out there and moving, since that is something you seem invested in wanting to do. The process/inspiration/will-strengthening can be so much harder than most people imagine. As if you can just wish things to be so, and they are.
How many times has someone told you something like "Fake it 'til you make it" or "Just keep a positive mindset and everything will work itself out" or "It's all in your mind"?
Would you say similar things to someone who was born with brown eyes but wanted bue-- "If you put your mind to it, you can change your natural eye color"? Would you suggest to a soldier that just lost both her legs to an IED that if she prays hard enough or keeps a cheery disposition that they will grow right back?
Of course you wouldn't-- it is ridiculous.
So please understand getting your drive back is not as simple as wishing it to come back. It's a different procedure for everyone to try to make it work again. And I'm sure with hard work, whatever that may mean for you, it can be successful.
And, please, remember that it is a good sign that you even want that drive back. It's when you stop even wanting to want it anymore that you know you've hit the bottom floor. And it's the most uncomfortable place in the universe to be.
Good luck, sweetheart!
It sounds like you could use some moments of introspection. If you've lost your "spark for life," your inner drive, perhaps you need to rediscover what drives you. What things excite you in life? What would be your dream job? What talents do you have, and how could they be applied towards the things that interest you?
Find your purpose, from which you can derive your calling. Let your self-defined purpose be the arrow, and the passion the fuel that drives you forward. Ask yourself: what do I value? What matters to me? What brings me joy?
Just as important as it is to clearly define who you are, it is equally important to clearly define who you are NOT. What feats are you simply incapable of? What job would you hate doing, no matter how much it paid? What type of work disgusts you? What sort of attitudes disgust you?
@pleasinglyPoetic
Well, been giving it some thought today. So far it goes like this
1.Family
2.Friends
3.Video Games.
I know 3 sounds like a derpy answer, but it's what I do with games that defines me. Being able to bond with anyone regardless of who they are so long as they've played a game and share some experiences we both can relate on some level. it's brought all my friends closer together, and we spend so much time together through the magic of teamwork and community that it's hard not to see why I love games
I hope that's a good starting ground of sorts. -w-"
@AwildBidoof
Anything is a good start! (: No worries, you don't have to defend video games with me! I won't judge you in the slightest. <3
While this list is good, I think it could be expanded. How will you support and foster your relationships with the people that matter to you?
Keep at it! (:
@pleasinglyPoetic
I feel like I'm doing alot as it is. Not that it's a bad thing mind you, as I do hang out with them on a regular basis, do chores around the house, enjoying each others time together and so on.
I just worry how I'm gonna keep this up when I can't find work. I've gotten so tired of applying for jobs cause I'm sick of being turned down for no explanation. Now I feel I've got a fear of the workplace cause I feel I could mess up even if I get a job and then I'd be out of a job yet again. the pressure feels too much to bear.
@AwildBidoof
I can imagine how that must be discouraging to you-- to be turned down again and again. But you must not give up hope; after all, the only way to succeed is to try! Failure isn't failing to get the job; failure is giving up on yourself and losing hope in your future.
More than patience, you may want to consider self-reflecting on the nature of change, for it is only through exposing ourselves to risk that we may achieve. (:
Hey,
We talked last night for a bit in one of the rooms, and you'd asked if I could read through here. I've been looking at your posts, and looking at your drawings. Your charmander really struck a nerve with me, when my grandparents died (within six months of each other) pokémon red was actually basically what I disappeared into. When my grandfather died, I lost one of my greatest male role models. He was a titan in my eyes and losing him has never stopped affecting me. I know how difficult these things are to live through. Losing my grandfather hurt me, but having all of my good memories with him, and having HAD him in my life makes up for any of the hurt that losing him could ever bring. Next time you are thinking about him, think of at least two happy memories you had with him for each little bit of anguish that you feel. He may be gone, but he wanted the best for you and those memories are your way of keeping him alive in your life every day.
Games are great, especially when we feel like we have no control over our lives. I've used them repeatedly as ways of creating a little niche where I have some semblance of control over things and I have some sentiment of accomplishment. I know how disappointed you are in Fallout 4, but maybe sometimes a new game isn't the answer, but rather an old game would be better. A couple years ago, I was going through a hard time, so I found a nintendo gameboy colour emulator online, and I played through Pokémon red. It reminded me of a painful time after my grandfather had passed away, but it also brought back all my feelings of hope, and happiness of when I was a kid. It sounds really nerdy, but it was like getting a hug from a friend that I hadn't seen in a really long time.
Let me know how you're feeling.
Hey doc. I'm sorry about your loss. Is also sorry if my art made you sad by mistake. So far I'm doing pretty eh at the moment. Just stuck in 4 feet if snow at home, slightly wishing the snow would keep going. Anyways, I'm am hanging on okay. I'm kinda taking a break from fallout 4 and playing league of legends at the moment. Will probably boot up an old game sometime soon. I try to hold onto the good times, like you say, but I'm struggling with the memories cause I don't recall any of the younger aged ones I used to have. Mostly has the modern Memories and they hurt so much cause I miss him that it's hard to reflect on them. I feel like deep down I have just given up on a good future, but I know I have something in me fighting for something better...else I wouldn't be here trying to get help. Sorry if this ran on long, and if hope to hear back from yah soon
@AwildBidoof Don't worry, your art didn't make me sad. It made me remember. That was the key difference for me, when I transitioned from hurting at the loss, to smiling at the memories. The reason why it hurt so much for me, and I am sure it is the same for you, is that there are a lot of happy memories there. Loss is never pleasant, and it takes time to get through, we all move at our own pace and have our own rhythm with grief. I know it seems impossible, but those happy memories, they help. When I lost my grandfather, I spent a lot of time blocking all the happy memories, I couldn't face them because I couldn't face the reality that I would make no more memories with him. It takes time, but I know you'll get to a better place.
As for feeling as though you have given up on a life, you at ~25 (if I recall correctly). You have a LOT of life left to live. You didn't give up on anything, you gained something when you took care of your grandfather. You gained an experience that not many of us have, you gave some of your time to help someone when they needed it most. You have gained depth, integrity, empathy, kindness, and a personal strength that you have not yet begun to tap.
Something that helped me is to think of people are like steel blades. Some of them are just melted and rolled and then squeezed out into their lives and they never experience anything. They're shiny, but they can't do much and dull as soon as you use them. The really good people though, like you, have had some soot mixed in, and then they've been hammered and folded and hammered. But you know what happens when you mix soot with steel? You get carbon steel and you get the keenest, strongest and sharpest blade. You get a blade, a person, that can take whatever life throws at them, and will always come out the other side better than before. You're in the forge, but know this, you will come out the other side with an internal strength that most people can only imagine.
@FutureDoctorDoc
I've been taking several days trying to figure out how to reply to this. I'm truely greatful for all the kind words and the sword analogy too.is currently 26 atm for the record. It's just....A part of me just doesn't feel like I want to use what strength I've gained from these events. it's hard to explain the feeling of just not having any desire to move forward on something.it's not that I haven't tried, but I've been trying so long that I just feel like any sort of good future I could have will just be wrought with more hardships that I just feel like I can't bear. Heh, I guess my pastor was right in saying I'm still grieving my grandfathers loss, I just don't know what I need to do to get myself back onto the right path and push forward in life yah know? or at the very least, stop feeling like everything is pointless in the long run.
@AwildBidoof
I know what you mean, and I know that feeling. I'm actually going through a similar thing.
I think that sometimes, we are so used to a situation, that we cannot see that there is an alternative out there. Sometimes fear can cause us to wait, to stay where we are because we are so worried that things will just get worse. There's the expression "the hell you know is better than the hell you don't know." It is this feeling that one would rather stay in what is comfortable, even if it is painful, that is something I deal with, and something that affects me a lot in my ability to move forward and away from it. You spoke about being worried about moving forward because there may be more hardships out there. Bidoof, there will be hardships out there. The easy life is rarely the interesting life, but the hardships should never hold you back from the incredible adventure that awaits you. Yes, sometimes things will be hard, but the rest of the time life will be amazing. If you stay where you are, if you allow inertia and fear to hold you back and to hold you down then things will always be hard. But, if you get up, and you get moving, things can be hard but they can also be amazing. The expression should never have been "the hell you know is better than the hell you don't know" The expression should have been "the hell you know helps you appreciate the joy left to discover." Don't let your current situation hold you back from exploring, or hold you back from finding and doing your passion. I know how hard it is, I'm struggling with it as well, but I know that you can do this. It may not be easy, but it is WORTH it and YOU are worth fighting for.
@AwildBidoof
Hey, just wondering how you've been doing and how things are going. So, How are you doing? How have things been going? You start up with a new game (or re-start up with an old favourite)?
Hope you're well!
@FutureDoctorDoc
Hey doc, Apologies for not replying back before. Your words indeed touched me so I just was trying to live in the moment and try to be happy. let's say it's going so-so, but I think it's just in my head atm. got a slew of games new and old coming out this month. Currently playing the new naruto game on Xbox one. Later I will have the new fire emblem, and pokemon game re-releases of red blue and yellow on my new pokemon 3ds.
As for moving forward. I finally got signed up for health insurance. Let me tell yah, it was a bit tricky, but I got a good plan that's not gonna break the bank. As for job hunting, that's where most my stress is coming from these days. I don't like waiting for a reply back on a job application, mostly cause I don't hear anything back most the time. It's not like my resume is bad, as I update it frequently with help....I just...feel a little dejected cause the world wont let me find a job where I could be okay in. Is trying not to let it bother me as I keep trying though it wears on me.
to be honest, I feel like I'm putting up a brave face amidst all these new things in life, when simply all I wanna do is go hide or fade to white out of time and junk. I'm trying not to though, as I do see that the people around me need me in some capacity....I just kinda wished I was so optimistic as I put myself out there to be. -w-" I do hope you're well though.