How To Live Your Life When You'd Rather Just Not Exist?
I've battled depression and urges to kill myself since I was four -- I'm 20 now, but as the years go on my desires get more and more desperate; more and more intense. There's nothing in life I really want -- not money, not power, not fame. The only motivation I have for anything ever is if it's meaningful and it's more often I find it's not.
I have a boyfriend and I love him; I can see a possible future with him in it,..just all I know I have is now. Life sucks now as it has sucked for the last 20 years...I've even tried to end it on several occasions -- I've come to the conclusion that I cannot die by my own hand; that I have to live out my days on Earth as some sort of punishment from the cosmos.
Over the years people have expressed their gratefulness for being alive and told me how I should too -- just it's backwards. I am not lucky to be living in this world, the world is lucky to have me living in it. And I feel like no one can see that...I don't want to be alive so they should be making it easier for me exist in this hell disguised as life.
I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality. I cannot work as that makes me negative symptoms 10x worse. The area I live is extremely isolated -- I am an hour away from anything so volunteering is not an option. I live with my mom and cannot afford to leave...the water here is undrinkable, the floors are soaked with dog pee, the ceilings have insulation falling out, the oven doesn't work...It's hard to focus on my mental health when my physical life is so crappy. Like if I lived in a third world country I could understand not having ideal living conditions. But I live in fucking New York state. In the fucking United States. People want to give help to any other mentally ill person but me and it's like -- fuck it, fine I'll leave. Except I can't because even death is too good for the likes of me...
I dunno,..I'm sorry I just wanted to vent -- I feel so alone and trapped and stuck...how the hell do you live when you don't even want to exist?
Hey @Starrena!
It seems you are struggling with a couple of issues right now. I am sad to hear that you have to live in extreme conditions and you cannot motivate yourself to come out of the situation. However, you can also use your current challenges as a reason to do something better to bring about this change. It definitely won't be easy. And the biggest challenge will be overcoming your personal issues. The focus should be and remain on doing better each day. Seeing a realistic dream and putting your efforts to achieve that. It seems next to impossible but only you hold the key to change it. Keep moving forward and all the best.
@Apple74 I agree 100%. It's hard to find the strength to change yourself for the better it seems impossible but you are right the change has to start with you it has to come from inside. you have to find the strength and courage within yourself to start the process od getting better.
@Apple74
I've been active advocate in trying to better my situation for seven years now and every single door I open gets not only slammed in my face but locked afterwards as well. If I could change the shit in my life, I would but when you don't have money or any way to get money and the state refuses to help you due to county lines and the county you live in tells you to fuck off until you're pregnant or married -- what are you supposed to do? I keep asking for help, screaming for it and begging but there is none for me. Everyone else who is ill, mentally or otherwise is permitted help so why am I constantly being ignored by the people with the resources to help me?
I don't mean to go off on you, but I am so sick of the notion that this is something I chose for myself.
@Starrena, its always good to vent and talk about your situation and I won't take it otherwise at all.
It seems you have tried all possible options but things are not in your favour right now. At times, when nothing works out we need to take a back seat and be patient. It appears very tough but do not give up on trying to make your life better. But do be patient if results don't come right away. Persistence often wins. Its alright to be irritated and frustrated but do realize that you need to put in more effort as long as you can .
I never heard of anyone being four years old and suicidal. Maybe you can tell me more about that. But I certainly know how that feels and whatever bad stuff happens on here I feel even worse. I'm against bad moderators and people who treat this like their own social media.
@Fear333
An interesting thing is that as a child develops, from ages four to six is when they form their opinions of themselves -- whether they are good or bad. If a lot of negative events take place during those crucial years, the child, not yet having the capacity to comprehend that the events around them are occurring separately -- thinks that the bad things happening are because of him. So, if a parent or other loved one dies, or a pet passes away, or the child's parents fight a lot or get divorced then the child will believe he is evil and the source of all this chaos and turmoil; if he didn't exist then none of the bad stuff would be happening. Of course, this is not true at all -- but a child's brain is not yet able to understand that so all they are left to believe is that they are evil.
During those two years of my childhood -- my parents fought a lot; my brother burned his hand a hot stove because they were fighting and wouldn't listen to me that he was going to hurt himself; my mom read a letter to my dad about how she was sorry that she had me; my dad had an affair; the dogs I'd grown up with ran away and died; my parents got divorced and we moved away from the only home I'd know thus far...a lof of shit happened and has continued to happen...but when I first started experiencing suicidal thoughts around four years, there was this terrible ache in my chest -- a pain so desperate and deep that I can still feel it during episodes to this day -- that if I could just stop existing no one would be hurt or upset because of me...if I could just become nothing then it would all be okay. As I got older the feelings grew into more tangible thoughts but I thought feeling that way was something everyone experienced.
It wasn't until I was 13 that I was able to give what I was thinking and feeling a name: suicidal ideation. And that scared me to learn not everyone dealt with this. So I tried to seek help -- I talked to anyone who listen about the awful things in my head but no one believed me -- or if they did, wouldn't do anything about it. A year later, I had my first known overdose and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks...they pumped me full of so much medications that I was a zombie but aware enough to know that I was one...the last seven years have been hell and each passing day I get worse and worse; I want to die but am so afraid that I would wake up after another attempt feeling worse than I already do,..I keep talking to people and therapists about what goes on inside my head, but it cannot be stopped or soothed when I am exposed to constant stressors...I need someone to take care of me for a little bit while I heal...I just no longer even see an end in sight.
Is there no one outside of your family that you know? Maybe contact from school? Seems like getting sway from your home would do you wonders if under a safe healthy environment
@Starrena you are so brave for hanging in there through all that. I can relate to the whole only feeling like something's worth doing if it's meaningful. I've felt this was the last couple yrs & I've been focusing most of my life on finding ways to improve life for the people around me & in the world. I agree the world is lucky to have you. The world is full of positive & negative energy. People are a mix of both & people like you who make such a conscious effort to help rather than harm are a dime a dozen. Living in isolation is hard. I don't know your whole situation. Maybe there are some options to improve your living situation. As for volunteering, there's a lot you can do online. You just did by starting a conversation that affects so many people, many who are afraid to bring it up. I can really relate to your candid explanation of why you feel this way. I went through the struggle a couple years ago. Looking back, realizing my frustration with the lack of meaning in my life was the first step towards making my own meaning. You are a precious gift to the world. I understand & I would love to chat sometime. It really does get easier. Even when some things get harder, it doesn't mean other things can't get easier. 1 thing that helped me was trying to do at least 1 enjoyable & meaningful thing everyday. It can be something tiny but it'll inspire you & give you the fuel to keep going. You can surprise yourself when you look back at all the little things you've done that made a difference in people's lives. You never know what makes someone's day. You made my day today. Idk how to say this & it's probably coming out really weird. It really inspires me to see someone going through a rough time stay true to their desire to do good. The world needs you and is lucky to have you. Find the people who see that & keep them close. They're out there. I was very doubtful at first too but in these last couple years since my change in mindset I've met so many positive people who respect & value me as a human being & see me as so much more than my flaws. You will too. I believe in you. You just need to believe in you. I think you already do :) Few people know how amazing they truly are. You're leaps & bounds above most people for every step in the right direction. Don't lose hope. Your heart is in the right place & your mind will follow :)
@igetcha Thank you for reading my words and responding with your kind thoughts. I'm not sure what to say other than thanks. 
@Starrena You're very welcome & I'm here to chat anytime <3
I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality as well. And I have had to move back in with my parents several times also. And teh house they live in sounds similar and I know how depressing that can be. It's hard to continue to fight when you don't have any fight left. I'm sorry to hear how hard things are for you. I have been dealing with panic attacks since i was 4 and major depression and mania since my early teen years. All I can say is that I am here for you if you ever want to chat. This is a good community and you can find support here. Hang in there and try and find some things that make you happy or that cab at least take your mind off how bad things are. Feel free to message me whenever.
I can't depend on anyone to make me happy. I try to stay away from the people that are hurting me most but I love them. I don't know how to handle it ... I just wanna get away 🙄
@NiyaLynn I can relate. It's hard when you love someone and they hurt you. Do you think it's intentional? Sometimes people aren't aware how their actions affect you. If it is intentional, it helps to think about why you love them even though they hurt you. Sometimes we love how they used to be, a few good moments we had w/ them, or we're just afraid of what our life would be without them. Here's the thing. Being with someone who hurts you is already being alone but also having someone who hurts you. You're smart for getting away from people who give off negative energy. And if you stop spending time with someone, all the good times from before and all the positive ways they affected you are still there.
@NiyaLynn It is hard and sometimes you feel trapped. But it may be in your best interst to get away from some people. If they can't se that they are hurting you or worse if they can see it and just continue to hurt you. You have to take care of yourself and allow only people that are good for you into your life. Just some thoughts that have worked for me. Not trying to tell you how to live your life.
@NiyaLynn: I have a similar issue, living with family that seem to take me for granted and misunderstand me, thinking that I'm someone I'm actually not, regardless of the good things I do for them. It's been going on for a while now, creating a rift between me and my family. I remember the good times, so it really hurts a lot. However, recently, what I've been thinking is that there will always be hurt and joy in our lives - there can't be one without the other. We can choose to avoid the hurt, but if we do so, inevitably the joy goes too. You just have to know that someday the hurt will heal; then you will experience the joy once again. Time heals even the deepest of wounds. I know what you're going through. If you would like to message me any time, feel free
That certainly sounds like a terrible situation. People can be hard, I know. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder in the past. The big things with these issues is that we constantly seek verification for everything. We want to please everyone and sacrifice ourselves for that. If there's one thing I've learnt, it's to try to consider myself first as much as I can. Even with the desire to please others, we first need to be OK ourselves to offer as much as we can to others. It doesn't make sense to sacrifice ourselves because we inevitably bring down not only ourselves, but the people we want to make happy too...You know what I mean? It's kind of like needing to put an oxygen mask on yourself in a plane before you fit other people around you. If you do other people first, you run the risk of passing out yourself and never getting the chance to help the other person. Often, too, where we are is a big factor in how we feel. Your situation is terrible. I can totally understand how and why you are feeling the way you are. Just know that there are better places out there, regardless of what these hardened people are telling you. How you're feeling better soon
@davee842016 great analogy about oxygen masks. I find hobbies & projects are a great way to get internal validation so you rely less on external validation. I'm also against this whole idea that people need to be a certain way to "deserve" basic things like respect. We all deserve to be treated like human beings. I've been told by multiple people that I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. There's no such thing. We are worth it even when we do absolutely nothing. We are entitled to self love. Any act of kindness is above & beyond. I try to live in the moment & enjoy every little thing & not think of life in terms of validation. It's tricky but awesome. Our perception of outside validation is so distorted because many people are busy or selfish & don't show us accurate validation. I just do good things for the sake of doing it & leave it at that. I think about all the possible awesome things that could happen as a result & I'm ok w/ not knowing which ones actually do. A lotta times I just help ppl anonymously. I kinda live in my own little happy bubble & take it w/ me wherever I go haha
@davee842016
It's the perfect analogy -- except for someone else's problem...
My only focus is myself and I need to get outside myself -- except I need to heal properly first...so I'm basically stuck in the forest with four broken limbs, and I'm screaming and praying -- passerby's can hear and even see me suffering and struggling and they all tell me to hang on, help is coming -- except that it never does. They get preoccupied with something more entertaining on the way to supposedly helping me...and I'm tired.
I feel so invalid and unimportant. The world has no room for me, but death doesn't want me -- and I'm stuck living this broken record life of mine. I'll never play my songs right if someone doesn't replace my damned needle soon...
@Starrena I can relate. People are busy and sometimes don't know how to help. Just because someone isn't there at a given time doesn't mean they don't care about you. Take it from someone who lies in bed at night wondering if people she hasn't talked to in months are ok. It's good you're focusing on yourself & your needs. Keep doing that. It's good there are people who want to help you. Usually what you need doesn't all come from 1 person. We build up bits and pieces of positive vibes & thoughts from many people to keep ourselves going. You're on the right track since you know what you need.
