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Starrena
470 M Embraced 4
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts15 Forum posts24 Forum upvotes43 Current upvotes43 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2016 Member sinceJuly 19, 2015
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How To Live Your Life When You'd Rather Just Not Exist?
General Support / by Starrena
Last post
 January 6th, 2016
...See more I've battled depression and urges to kill myself since I was four -- I'm 20 now, but as the years go on my desires get more and more desperate; more and more intense. There's nothing in life I really want -- not money, not power, not fame. The only motivation I have for anything ever is if it's meaningful and it's more often I find it's not. I have a boyfriend and I love him; I can see a possible future with him in it,..just all I know I have is now. Life sucks now as it has sucked for the last 20 years...I've even tried to end it on several occasions -- I've come to the conclusion that I cannot die by my own hand; that I have to live out my days on Earth as some sort of punishment from the cosmos. Over the years people have expressed their gratefulness for being alive and told me how I should too -- just it's backwards. I am not lucky to be living in this world, the world is lucky to have me living in it. And I feel like no one can see that...I don't want to be alive so they should be making it easier for me exist in this hell disguised as life. I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality. I cannot work as that makes me negative symptoms 10x worse. The area I live is extremely isolated -- I am an hour away from anything so volunteering is not an option. I live with my mom and cannot afford to leave...the water here is undrinkable, the floors are soaked with dog pee, the ceilings have insulation falling out, the oven doesn't work...It's hard to focus on my mental health when my physical life is so crappy. Like if I lived in a third world country I could understand not having ideal living conditions. But I live in fucking New York state. In the fucking United States. People want to give help to any other mentally ill person but me and it's like -- fuck it, fine I'll leave. Except I can't because even death is too good for the likes of me... I dunno,..I'm sorry I just wanted to vent -- I feel so alone and trapped and stuck...how the hell do you live when you don't even want to exist?
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