i don't feel real anymore please help
Hello everyone i just want to seek help cause i'm nearly going to lose my mind if i don't someone about what's going on in my mind sorry english isn't my first language.
So i'll give you what happen from the start cause i feel if you knew about what happen from the start to now you may help me
So everything started from 7th grade i was top of my class during elementary school and i succeded a test where i enteree a pioneer school for smart kids and i I suffered from severe bullying from "my bff" and her other friend who i did have some problems back in primary school about my weight not to mention the academic glow down i had cause i wasn't familiar with the type of exams and ztudy there so that affect the teacher's behaviour with me which affected my mental helth and caused me anxiety and i start developing depression but i wasn't aware of that i thought it's the rythm and stress
After two years we were obliged to take the test again to extend Our high school stay and it's another chance for poeple who didn't succed in the previous exam
That year was so important cause i needed to succed and also a lot of events as i wore hijab (i'm Muslim btw) and that was a big change for me and i've also lost my grandma unexpectily. She had cancer and had a surgery where the said she'll live at leas 6 months but she passed away the first week after that surgery and that was and still a shock to me and it was hard for me to live normally after that
In that summer i had sever depression and social anxiety to the point i didn't quit my bed for days and i didn't this that it was actually depression i just thought it was normal after a tirying year until a friend noticed that and told me it's not normal and it even caused an eadting desorder (bing ed) but i recovered and start living normally that year
Back forward to now, i had an ear problem and a doctor gave me an overdose of pills and i didn't thought it'll harm me but from the first day i hade sever anxious and i felt i was dy1ng for the past 6 days that i've took those pills and in the end it turned out to be a medical fault and not only that caused me stomach problem but also from the first day i took those pills to now i wasn't the same person i was
I start living in fear of the day i say goodbye to the world and of everything loosing my friends bc of life or after high school or bc they just passed away and the same thing is for my family and those thoughts developed to serious anxious and panic attacks that start priving me from living a normal day and makes me struggle every minute and bc i've lost my grandma i discovered i didn't prosess her loss but i was running from it until it finds me
All of these thoughts were ki11ing me and any mention of dea**€h like a post of someone who passed away or seeing someone covered with a white shrou€ i just start to freaking out and cry and have troubles breathing and feel my heart is going out of my chest .
Because of those feelings for a long time i just start not feeling real. Idk how to express this but i feel i'm not real and every interaction i do and everything i said i'm not responsible for it i'm just watching from afart whet's happening and i don't feel that the person i see in the merror is me or even real same to people around me i start not feeling emotional to them like they're some robots or smthng and i lost my appetise to eat i do eat but i don't feel that the food is delisious anymore and nostalgia got me every minute i'm full of it and it's ki11ing me every minute
I start feeling that life doesn't have a meaning like i lost interest or you can say i lost the will to do everything i wanted why applying to college why wanting to be something big why all of that what's the purpose
I do apply to programs i do take extra activities i do participate in workshops and take courses just bc i know my old self will be broken if she saw me giving up on her dreams
But i really lost the will to continue and even developed sui€idal thoughts tbh i don't wanna d1e but i do not want to l1ve too
Therapy isn't an option to me bc in my country it's very rare to find therapy and there are no good one they only gave you meds and that's it and it's not even good to you lebtally or physically (some of my relatives and a friend have therapy and they do not recommend it )
I really want a solution even permenant to this i want to be closer to allah and i want to feel i want to live and feel i am real and just get rid of depression and anxiety and those thoughts that were hubting me every second until now
Please help me
Hello. Thanks for reaching out.
I can see you experienced lots of drastic changes and faced many setbacks. I hear you suffered from severe bullying because of your weight. It's a huge progress made when you recovered from eating disorder. Let's celebrate your progress. It's understandable to struggle with the exams and study style because you are unfamiliar. I can tell you are already hard on yourself. Your teachers' behavior towards you were affected when you haven't master it yet. It seems harsh and stressful. You wore hijab because you are a muslim. Always feel proud of your religion. I am so sorry to hear that you lost your grandma. May she rest in peace. I see you suffer from severe anxiety and depression during that summer because there's too much going on. Taking breaks is important to pace ourselves. Let's pause for a moment, don't think about anything and focus on breathing, okay? You deserve a high five for going through everything. The past is the past. I just wanted to say you are so amazing for making this far. Take more deep breaths. Stay in the moment. Take your time.
I see there's was a medical fault which caused you to feel severely anxious and felt like you were dying for the past six days. It felt like you weren't the same person you were
If you would like to process your grief, how about giving it a closure. Find a safe, personal space. How does life feel different now without ... your grandma? Grief has no timeline. It's the love that you can't give out which turns into grief. I believe grandma wishes you to continue living well. It's a sudden huge change but not the end of your story it's a chapter with a full stop there's more to your story. Keep your grandma's belongings somewhere safe for memories or donate them so you won't get triggered and sad to see them. I think your whole family is grieving too. You are not alone. Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace.
Promise me to stay safe, okay? I understand there's too much going on. You have a life to live. Allah blessed you with a life to live and will protect you. Nothing matters anymore if you are gone, consider a break from school. You might not be able to take so much pressure and that's okay because not all smart people can stand so much pressure from a pioneer school for smart kids. Are you able to change schools? You'll stand a chance of performing better.
Friends do grow apart sometimes and it's completely normal. I understand you will feel very sad to lose friends but you will make new friends too. Allah have other plans for you. Why do you think your friends will die? They still have a long way to go and will do very well in life. They are healthy young people and very rarely will healthy young people die of unnatural causes. Unless there are other factors that prove otherwise. Allah will protect your family. Have faith in Allah.
It sounds like you are overwhelmed and stuck. You are you. You are responsible for your life. But I hope you do something to make yourself happy. Why not of one thing you are happy about today? Food. I understand you have lost your appetite but try eat something or you will starve.
Ok don't think too much for now. Do you wanna try some arts and crafts or listen to a song for now? Also, you can consider online therapy. Make yourself comfy.