daydreaming reflection
Daydreaming is my coping mechanism that I become addict to, I don't want to let go.
When I try, I feel a sense of crisis. This fear that I have tuck away in my closet begin to shake so bad I couldn't ignore it that I recall - I am afraid of humans, of other people, of their thoughts, and their words. I tell myself, other people don't matter but in truth, their thoughts, their words, their actions, weight so heavy in my mind. I ask why it matter so much, did I ever grow up? Will I always be this little lonely girl?
Chuckles. The little girl lived on the belief that one day, she will meet better people, be financially stable, find common friends, bond with a significant other, and together grow many little sprouts. Surely God won't forsake her. But she turns 30 and now wonder if this little girl ever grew up? Maybe the little girl just become better at lying to herself, believing in a false light. Everything she dreams, the passion, the faith - everything begin cracking n she knows she can't glue them back together. All she hopes for will never come and her dreams have already ended. What she is doing is the futile attempt to ignore reality, replaying loops of her daydream as time tick away. The more she hides the less she is able to face people and the less her confident is to function in life.
I am not only wither inside, I feel I cannot change my fate.