Where do I start and when does it end
Hi, I'm new here.
I don't know where to start or what to say. But I suppose I'll start with what lead me here. I have a very difficult time opening up to anyone. I'm almost 40 and I've had an incredible difficult/traumatic life. From early childhood and life never really let up since. I'm a very high-guarded man that can be very emotionally withdrawn. I prefer to take the stoicism approach because I feel like life has hardened my armor a little too much. I feel weak and emasculated when I open up about my struggles.
I'm going through a very difficult breakup. I was laidoff last year from a job I spent almost 20yrs at. My current job is terrible and I'm trying to hard to get a new one, but with little success. I'm a full-time single parent of a teenager and have full custody after going through a 3yr long court battle due to the other parents extreme mental illness. Which I probably have PTSD from that. Friends are fleeting and so is motivation to pursue hobbies.
I don't know, maybe I feel like at almost 40, I keep waiting for things to get easier so I can breathe for the first time. But I feel so alone and isolated. Most of all, I'm just simply tired. Tired of every aspect of life being a constant struggle.
I don't know how this works, but thanks for reading all that, if you did.
@Mezmer
Hello. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. It is sad to hear about the difficult emotions you must be going through now: Struggling with serious both professional and personal life issues, feeling isolated and maybe needing a good companionship on one hand, but feeling the need to "look strong" and remain independent on the other.
As for how it works: I am a trained listener here, I can send you messages like this one or chat with you. One thing I am not expected to, or not allowed to, is giving you any advice. Because it's you who is the best expert on your life and you know yourself for the longest time.
I am sorry you had to wait for any response quite a lot of time. However, it is really difficult and it is a great responsibility to tell, or just suggest someone how he or she might change their entire life.
First, have you tried to talk to a listener by 7Cups chat? I believe coming out from the isolation without feeling weak or vulnerable is not like breaking the door open, but like opening it gradually and slowly. It's a step-by-step process.
Maybe just chatting would be a good start? Like talking about your day, how are you spending your time or telling some trustworthy people around more often how are you feeling and what would you need at the time.
That also seems it is impossible to solve all the human life's problems at the same time, so what would you think about taking the "first thing first" strategy? What can be crucial for you at this moment of your life? Finding a better job, to make you feel more secure? Solving your family matters, to feel more at ease with looking for a new job? Or caring about your emotions, because when you feel better, everything can be easier? Which of those ways you would like to take?
My another thought was: What do you think about your masculine armor you were telling about? Do you think it may be thick enough to make it hard for some people to get through? From my experience, people may feel safer with you while you are showing them some weaknesses - then they may look at you like at "just one of them".
Last but not least, it happens to most of us to go through the "valley of darkness", but we always hope some time it comes to an end. What is your "ray of light at the end of the tunnel"? From your message I see you would like your future life to be easier, warmer and more calmfull... Would you like to add something?
@jacek73 thank you very much for your thoughtful response. It felt a little defeating posting that with no response or support.
Yes, I actually just sent a listener a message before I saw your response.
I think the "first thing first" approach is difficult because as a full-time single dad, full time employee and everything else. I have so many plates spinning and they're all so critical. When I give an analogy to someone I my feels. I always say I'm juggling 10 chainsaws on fire. If I grab one wrong or let one drop, there's severe consequences.
Yes, my emotional armor has gotten in the way of so many relationships. I try to get ahead of it, but it's difficult. You made a good point of people trusting me when they see me vulnerable because that's relatable and safe. It's so much easier said than done to let people in. I always feel like I'll be betrayed.
One step at a time, I suppose.
@Mezmer
it is not an easy situation to be in. But sending all the love and support your way. :)
@purplePeach728 thank you very much. I appreciate it. I'm not used to a safe place where I can open up without judgment. It's comforting.