Update
Okay so- Update!! Ive done some reasearch(probably not enough). And to be honest, I'm so glad I got told to do reasearch about this stuff. I've done small reasearch about DID and just dissociation in general. i naturally dissociate a lot since i have adhd, and i thought it was like- fine. but whats been happening hasnt been regular dissociation. right now, i feel a bit better, but i still feel a little off.
This feeling has happened in the past, having itstarted since i was around 8, but it wasnt as bad as it is been for the past few days. I've always automatically ignored it, but i havent been able to lately. that weird fuzzy feeling, the feeling confused on who i am and that this isnt my body and etc. It's never been this sever, but i think its because this is the most genuinely stressed ive been in awhile.
Anyway back to the reasearch topic. The one that matches what im feeling the most is a type of OSDD, I'll copy and paste since I don't feel like typing it in my own words... *Having chronic dissociative symptoms such as identity alteration, but thealteration and separation between identities is not as severe as in DID. There maybe identity disturbance, but not the presence of clearly separated parts or amnesia.*
I mean, it makes sense. I struggle with remembering things, always thinking I just forgot but it's kind of odd. Sometimes my sisters tell me that I be crying at random times in the day, but i ABSOLUTELY do not remember that. And also times that my mom randomly tells me to go with her and i say 'why didnt u tell me before' and she says 'I told you a few hours ago'. Like, i be wondering what the *** i was doing a few hours ago.
the gibberish is more prominent at times today. The voice sounded more masculine. It isn't constantly murmurs that go on non-stop, its for a few minutes near every hour or smth close to that.
im so tired, i just want it to stop. it makes me feel like im going insane. I can't tell anyone about it at home. My sister makes fun of me for everything, my mom won understand it at all, my dad would tell me 'its js in your head, get over it" and stuff like that. And if i told my other older sister, she'd make it about herself some how. And my 'therapist' isnt even an actual therapist. She's just a 'skills trainer' so she cant even diagnose me or anything.
oh waiit, i just realize it DOESNT include amnesia. sorry, its nearly 2am and i just finished reading a 12 page thing about different dissociation and DID/OSDD. I'm really tired lol.
this is another smash up of my self-writing. right now, at 4:21am, the static feeling is worsened again. its getting hard to feel who i am again. i hate this. im going insane. im sorry
@AzzyDaRazzy
Hey, I just want you to take a deep breath for a second. I know everything feels overwhelming right now, like you’re losing control, like you’re slipping away from yourself but you’re not alone in this. I hear you. I see you. And what you’re going through is real. You’re not making it up, and you’re not going insane.
Dissociation, memory gaps, feeling disconnected from yourself those things are terrifying, especially when you don’t have anyone around you who truly understands. And it sucks that the people closest to you aren’t the safe space you need right now. That doesn’t mean your experience isn’t valid, though. It just means you haven’t found the right people to support you yet.
I know you’re exhausted. I know the static feels unbearable. But you are still here. No matter how disconnected you feel, you are real. Your feelings are real. And I promise you, there is a way through this. It might not feel like it right now, but you won’t feel like this forever.
I wish I could take the pain and confusion away, but what I can do is remind you that you matter. Even when you feel lost, you are still you. You are still worthy of love, understanding, and peace. You are not broken. You are not too much. You are just a human being trying to navigate something really difficult, and that’s okay.
Please, if you can, be gentle with yourself. If there’s any small thing that brings you comfort soft music, a weighted blanket, grounding exercises lean into it. And if you ever need to just vent or talk things through, I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.
