This isnt good by

Its been exactly month you left

4 weeks ago around 5:30pm while I was walking into Chase bank and I got a random text from my cousin letting me know you left us, as I walked out of the bank and called her I kept thinking no way - I was sure it was a lie

I didnt think your passing would ever hit me the way it did

At first, it didnt hit me at all, I didnt cry when I found out, my grandma or ant passed and I didnt cry once for them, I was sure this wasn't going to me any different, I've never dealt with grief

You know whats funny, days before you left I was just talking about you - its so random to because I haven't spoken about you in years

The thing is i dont realy know you, we grew up together and at one point you were such a big part of my life but now I didnt think you were - I was sure I was going to be ok

The next day it hit, I couldnt stop crying for more then a few min's, I had breakdown after breakdown, I lost over ten pounds that week, I started talking to God about you, I started to talk to you, I couldnt function

I would cry as I drove, between meetings, in line, everywhere all the time

Everything I did reminded me of you

I started to read then I remember you are the reason I love to read so much and introduced me to the first book that changed my life

Every song sounds different, I think back to every word you said, every joke you made, every time you were there for everyone

There hasnt been a day I havent thought about you

I went to one of your memorial and as someone gave me a hug I nearly sobbed in their arms

This is the first time that I have been able to write about you without crying

How cruel is it that there is a world where you aren't in it

I think of your mom, dad, son, brothers, sisters, girlfriend and friends

You know they still do not know what happened

I keep thinking how cruel is it to your family and friends for them to keep dragging this out

As much as I want to know what happened I dont think it should be dragged out the way it way it has been and almost feels like it is robing them of the peace and closer they deserve

I wish you knew how much you are loved

How much of an impact you have left on us

I still talk to you, on one hand, I'm selfish and hope you are here listening to me but on another, I hope I'm talking to myself and you are with your family 

You have left such a large hole I never thought would exist

Some days are better than others

I still think about how can life keep going on without you

How has life not paused or stopped

It sure feels like mine has

Its funny because I think im so different then the person that grew up with you but you made me realize im still that little girl

I know this is far to late but I want you to know that you were right and I was semi wrong, I still stand by the fact your approach could have been better but the more I think about it and look at the facts you were right and I was so appoled by how you whent about things I coudnt see that

There so many I wish's I have

There so many what-ifs

Im having a hard time saying goodbye

I dont think I ever will

My heart physicly hurts

I look at vidios and they hurt so much, hearing you laugh

I'm still waiting from a group text from you saying that you are ok and you didnt have access to your phone and couldnt tell us sooner 

I know you are in forever and it is a great place to be, I know you are dancing, I know you are talking to anyone who is willing to lission, I know you are enjoing your time up there and I know I should be happy for you but I just wish you were here

It feels like after today people will forget, it feels like some already have but not for me 

I've said this already but you are a one in a universe person, the type of person only exists ones in this universe, if I have kids I'll tell them about you, show them the books, songs, vidios, art ect. you will forever have an impact. There will always be an empty seet in the front row of every life event just for you, I will continue to look at the sky and look for you

Here what I realy want to say, I'm sorry you were hurting, I'm sorry you were in so much pain - I think the reason it hit me so hard is becouse I relate to the pain and almost wished I could trade places with you, I wish I had know I would have been there and I know I dont actuly know if you chose to leave or not but it doesnt matter you were in so much pain and needed a freind at the time period. You were begging for somone to see you, hear you and realy care about you and we all failed you. I am so so sorry, you diserve better. You diserved the life you were planing for and the joy that was riped off your hands. Im so so sorry. This feels like a brake in the matrix, like it was supposed to happen, I dont think I will ever fully belive that you are gone. Im so sorry.