TW: Anger, trauma responses
Recently, I realized I was suppressing anger toward a friend I recently pushed away. I have a certain set of values (equality is huge for me) and I didn't fully understand why I felt unsafe until just now.
There are certain mental illnesses that are heavily stigmatized because of their effects on the people around them, particularly cluster B disorders. I understand the stigma, I understand how much they hurt, and I understand why people feel the way they do.
I have a particularly touchy fight response as a response to trauma myself and I've worked on this for the past several years in an effort to manage how it affects other people.
The former friend of mine expressed that she felt pity for someone suspected to have a cluster B disorder.
I understand the complicated nuances surrounding these things, how controversial they are, and how much pop psychology (and a lot of rampant misinformation) swirls around these subjects.
What I don't understand, though, is how someone can claim to be so empathetic and compassionate, but say they pity someone. Especially since they're so familiar with illness, and how it feels to be pitied for their illness. She asked me not to pity her... yet she pities that person.
Pity is condescending. It positions one above another. It carries a connotation, "oh, you can't do what I can do and I feel sorry that your life isn't as good as mine." I feel disgust toward this person when I think about it... it's ignorance, and I know that, and she's human, and makes mistakes. I have compassion for that.
I want to move past this anger... I know it's not healthy for me to rest in it. I know anger is just a manifestation that my feelings have been hurt. It truly does hurt. It happened a lot in the environment we both came from, and I understand that part of it is that I expected more from her than was probably healthy, and I feel disillusioned, because. Cluster B traits, myself. As a trauma response I didn't ask for. And am working on.
It really hurts to see someone rejected and pitied for something they didn't ask for, the development of a disorder they can't help and aren't aware of, and it hurts so much. It really, really hurts.
@OhLookItsRay
Thank you for sharing your painful experience. I'm here to listen and support you.
Your feelings of anger, hurt, and disillusionment are valid.
Incredibly, you're acknowledging and working through your emotions.
You deserve compassion and understanding.
Remember:
1. Your trauma and struggles are acknowledged.
2. You're strong and capable of growth.
3. Healing is possible.
Would you like to:
1. Explore coping strategies for managing anger.
2. Discuss ways to maintain healthy boundaries.
3. Identify self-care practices for emotional well-being
I would absolutely love to figure out some type of strategy to put some kind of boundary in place with people about these things. What would that look like?
I journal by way of managing my anger. I seldom act upon it; I have a strategy for that one, and it's been pretty effective.
I'm not friends with this person anymore due to some self-sabotage, but I also realize it was for the best on both ends, or at least, that's how I feel right now. I miss her at times, but remembering that situation and how much I'm upset by that attitude really mitigates the grief.
If you've got tips, I have eyes and ears, and I'm ready for 'em.
@OhLookItsRay
Thank you for sharing, @OhLookItsRay.
Your self-awareness and journaling practice are impressive.
Recognizing toxic dynamics and prioritizing self-care takes courage.
Additional boundary-setting tips:
1. Communicate assertively and clearly
2. Establish and maintain a healthy distance
3. Prioritize self-care and mindfulness
4. Cultivate positive, supportive relationships
5. Practice self-forgiveness and compassion
Remember:
You deserve respect and emotional safety
Boundaries empower your well-being
Healing and growth are possible
Keep moving forward!
Would you like more guidance on boundary setting, emotional regulation, or self-care strategies?
Boundary setting, absolutely. I don't feel confident with the boundary setting.
I've made efforts to do this before, as well as practicing healthy/healthier communication as opposed to my tendency to shut down and avoid the conflict.
I tend to feel a great deal of anxiety around setting boundaries. I've been exploring that, but haven't come up with completely clear answers, other than that some fear is provoked. I suspect trauma response there, but am not entirely sure why. Memories around that are fragmented.
I have a supportive home, and so I'm starting to understand what emotional safety is like? But I'm still not entirely sure.
I've worked hard at emotional regulation, so I think I'm okay there. I've never been much for acting out.
I've read countless articles about boundaries and how to set them, but I've found it hard to figure out even still. I still don't think I fully understand it. So if you have some tips for that. Again, I'm all ears. Thank you for your time.
