Sad

Sad is the best I could do to describe it. Sad, stressed, im starting to feel so heavy. Slowly stop getting things done cause what’s the point? I mean I keep going, but only because I’m still here, which means I kinda have to. I keep thinking about God even tho I’m not too religious and hoping that he can hear me. And that there is some kind of plan in place for me cause things really aren’t looking to good, things aren’t going the way I planned/hoped. And I feel so lost. So uncertain. And I hate feeling like that. I’m losing that feeling of hope that use to keep me going. Keep me excited for each day. I’m realizing without the hope that I gave myself, there is nothing to be hopeful for, no one to be hopeful for. If I didn’t actively try to keep pursuing my dreams, my passions, and this person that I’ve been aspiring to be or just in general seek out better things, it feels like none of it would have even happened on its own. Like I would just be waiting for an answer and I’d be waiting forever. Maybe that’s just me not trusting.. but it’s feeling more and more true. I guess here’s a couple things I’ve been wanting to say: 

I’m struggling at school, I’ve got this one teacher who gives the most amount of work and the worst part about it is that it’s math and I’ve always been so bad at math. So I always have to do extra just to keep up and with my schedule it’s hard, and I feel like I still never catch up. It’s my last year of college and I really need this class. She’s already submitted my name for list of students who risk failing and that hit me so hard. Cause I really am trying, not just with that class but just handling everything in general and it’s so hard. 

What’s been hitting me the most though is my dream. In all of life’s responsibilities and obligations, I like to keep my head in the clouds, it’s how I escape. So having hobbies and dreams and this idea of being successful is how I would keep myself afloat. Just recently , well kind of , I started really pursuing my dream and I won’t get into too much detail about what it is but I thought that by now, a senior in college, things would work out and I’d be where I wanted to be with that. Now I’m starting to realize how much effort it really takes and how much work really goes into it that even though I’m willing to,  certain things like lighting, my schedule, the way I have to show up on camera are out of my control and even if I do my best it never really comes out how I want it to and I have no money to invest in anything for it rn. I’d waste the whole day just trying to get it right/to my liking, a day I could spent doing my homework and I hate that. It’s actually one of the reasons I was so behind last week. 

On top of that, I also have no friends. No support system I mean. My family and I are on rocky grounds, I don’t have a solid relationship with any of them and it sucks cause I have to live with them. I can always feel the tension whenever I’m around so I try my best for my own sake to stay out the way and bury my head in the clouds. I had hoped by now that things with my business would take off so that I could move out, and finally be somewhere I could be myself and be as open as I wanted to be and just relearn/teach myself the things they were never able to. But I hate to admit that I have even lost hope for that. In general , I have no support system, I’ve attempted to make friends and I have but not any of the kind where I can tell personal things too. Relationships right now I feel like even though I’d like to, I just have too many things on my plate and on my mind to even be stable for someone else. 

Any time I start to feel any kind of way, it hurts the most that I don’t have not one person in my life who I can talk to about it and really just sit with it. And idk maybe even laugh about it too. I’m on my own and I just feel like I’m drowning. Trying to handle all of this, trying to figure out a way out all on my own. And I’m so tired.