Posting once a week until I'm happy: #3

Hello everyone I realised I've been slacking quite a bit when it comes to posting and checking in on the site. I was swamped during the last week because of exams and a bunch of personal issues. Let me think I'm currently on holiday right now, with a lot of time to spend and no real idea of how to spend it (I'm still planning what I want to do) but I do have some ideas for projects of various kinds, unfortunately, I'm a person who lives on the wave of excitement when it comes to an idea and if it fizzles out I kinda forget about it (which is why I fear I have a lot of wasted potential). 

Speaking of wasted potential, I wanted to know if anyone else has ever felt inadequate before. I've been chatting and meeting people a lot more than usual and whenever they talk about being successful or having these cool experiences. I'm usually always supportive of them and I always express my sincere admiration of the stuff they do, yet oftentimes I feel either jealous or mad; but not mad at the person but at myself. 

Things like hearing about others getting good marks, going to parties even smaller things like knowing things which I can't expand on or talk about with them. There are popular series that are mainstream that I feel ashamed of not knowing or was aware of. But I fear if  I reveal how little I know they will see me as a boring person. I'm jealous that there are people who have discovered cool things and have passion for something while I see anything and everything I've done and seen to pale in comparison.

I also feel saddened that they accomplished something that I knew I would've in another timeline or world. I can always pinpoint a time when everything in my life went for the worse and I can't help but see them as someone I could've been in another world, the only good takeaway I have is that since I'm in the worse version of my life I could be in then the chances of anyone else feeling like me right now is less even by 0.1% or that there is a world out there that I was successful and happy.

At some point, I used to be a person who studied and did things with some vigour but nowadays I'm just extremely tired and I don't know how to remove that feeling, there are things I know I should do to have a good life but a terrifying part of me wishes for my entire life to self destruct, it's a feeling in my chest which is always present and something that I feel is worse when I try to sleep or I dwell on something a lot.

This feeling is a feeling that I can liken to falling into a hole continuously and while I distract myself on occasion this feeling comes back. Help would be a good idea but I've never liked involving others in personal affairs and I do not dislike the idea of therapy but I dislike the nature of it (this is not an insult to people in the profession). 

 The only thing I wish was that I could forgive myself for what I've done to end up feeling the *** way I do and whether or not I should even try at this point. I guess my moral of the story would be; that comparing yourself to others is not healthy and you should focus on yourself, naturally, no one is ever the same and attempting to know everything is nigh impossible so enjoy the things that you know and if you ever hear something you never knew before then a conversation becomes more interesting. 

Another sad post, which I blame on being tired from the busy week I had. But now I can finally rest without worrying. So hopefully my mood improves over time!  

-SunnyLake