Please advice!!
I remembered that when I was in the beginning of puberty, I feel into porn addiction and I remember that I masturbated thinking about my mother, and I didn't see any consequences, especially because I wasn't attracted to my mother, but now, years later I feel diagusting. Why did I do that???!?!?! I feel terrible why would someone do that, what was wrong with me??
I feel like a sexual deviant cus why would I do that?!? I have done so many weird things in puberty that I am starting to deeply question myself... I mean, I saw the most disgusting types of porn and did things in places that I should not had done and with other people in the room. I feel beyond repair
Hi. I wanted to pop in and let you know that when we are going through the stages of puberty, sometimes we do or experience strange things during the confusing time. Most pre-teens experience confusion as well as watch pornography. There are also times that an individual may pop into mind (your mother, for example) when we least expect it. This is uncontrolled, and is not something that can be anticipated. There are times when we do things we are ashamed of, and we may also experience feelings of shame, guilt, and disgust. It is important to remember that puberty is a confusing stage of life, and to not be so hard on yourself.
I think It is all because I am using my "adult" brain to think about things I did when I barely even know what consequences where.
But my ocd is always saying "You a pedophile because you saw that and liked... You are a bad person..." I feel sick to my stomach because I can't undo what I did, but the fact that I did it haunts me and makes me feel the worst. I just wanted to be normal, I don't want to hurt children or anyone, but looking back, I fear I might want to hurt them... I am scared of myself honestly.
One of the first things you should acknowledge is you realize it was wrong, and you aren’t actively participating in watching those things anymore. If you were a child at the time, it can be difficult to know the consequences/harm in watching things of that nature if you were unaware.
as an adult, you acknowledge it and have expressed you do not like it/want to do it anymore. I think the acceptance of the action is important, and correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to me like you have a desire to do better now.
might I suggest counseling for this? If you are fearful of acting on an impulse towards children a licensed counselor can help you further address this and work through your inner feelings/thoughts.
I hope you know that your disclosure is important, because it shows personal growth and acceptance of your actions/feelings. If you want, we can talk privately as well and perhaps I can help you address these feelings/thoughts further.
I have been doing therapy, and my therapist said that sometimes people are not pedophiles or peadophiles, but were deep into porn addiction. It has been years and I have never ever done that again, but the fact that I did it in the past haunts me deeply, beacuse it wasn't an accident, I actively searched for it for being taboo and enjoyed it. But tur fact that at the time I did not even think much about shows that I was just an inconsequent child. But I feel like a hypocrite because I judged my uncle (24 at the time) tha married my aunt when she was 16, but I saw very bad things when I was young...
As long as no one was harmed, it shouldn't be a big deal. Many people do weird things in their fantasies. Just leave it in the past and move on.
