Maladaptive Daydreaming - Him

I don't want to leave. In my mind, nothing can hurt me. Nothing. Success is at the tip of my finger. It is an endless loop of me repeating scenes over and over. I can add, remove, and continue to edit these scenes.

Everything is in my control. I can be as weak as I want. As strong as I desire. No one can disappoint me. No one can hurt me. If I choose to bring in a character that disappoint and hurt me, there will be a support character or characters to shower me with love and support. I can become everything I want to be. Who I cannot be in reality, I can be in my daydream.

N most of all. The man I love or men at that. In different stories, I create a different man to encompass what I currently find desirable but ultimately they are still the same and one character taking on many different forms. I made him love me till death do us part. When I am weak and down, he holds me up. When I am unable to do something, he perfect them. He is my shade, my roof, my blanket. When I couldn't love myself, he loves me. He wants me. Despite all my flaws, he won't ever leave me.

In the worlds I created, most of the time I am someone else. If I choose to create a story closer to reality, including real people from my life, I feel slightly uncomfortable and don't often go back to this world. For all the warmth I created in my mind, he isn't real. In my 20s, this is a fact I accept and believe someday I might meet someone who can be "him". Not so much now.

When I pull myself out of my daydream, he isn't tangible and all the more empty I feel. I can feel my love for the man I created in my mind but he is not here in the physical reality. There is nothing to show for this "love" that I feel. The illusion of my man feels so good, so right, so comfortable like two puzzle pieces fit together that I don't want wanna leave. I made him so perfect that I fear, I won't ever meet any guy that can match up; that can defeat the illusion that I created. Then there is the part that a real boyfriend can hurt me; can disappoint me and can leave me. But the man in my mind, he won't ever hurt me. His love is undying and forever truthful. What a fool I am.

Sometimes I think I'm weird. Growing up, I feel I already have someone occupying the boyfriend position. Despite my feeling, there is no man to show for it. I just keep my feeling to myself and go on with my days. Since my friend circle was so small, I did not have a lot of opportunity to meet guys. The few that shown interest, I rejected them all. Over the years, to fill in the void of why I feel this way, I created this man in my mind. He embodied all that which I feel, even knowing I have no tangible body to ever say otherwise. N so I live in the mind whenever I have free time.

Perhaps my feeling is a way of masking my discomfort so I can say it is "okay". My daydreaming became my escape from reality. Now that I quit my full time job, I indulge excessive in my daydreaming and recoil into daydreaming when I am uncomfortable with an idea/action that I have to take the first step. When under excessive stress, I can't daydream; instead I feel more empty as he is not tangible and none of my support characters can be manifested into reality. Under excessive stress, when I crave for physical touch and verbal comfort is when reality hit me the hardest in the face. He is no where to be found. My body under stress is so sensitive that my mind, even if it work overtime, couldn't cover up for what I don't have in reality. Even though I wish so badly, I can tell what is real and what isn't.

Even though I know, I find it very hard to let go of my daydreaming; to let go of the man I created. And a stupid voice would sometime tell me, what if he exists somewhere and he shows up when you're in a relationship? Back then I didn't have the answer and want to believe that "he" exist somewhere in my reality, I just have not meet him yet, but now I can say "if he shows up when I have a committed, healthy, loving relationship, he can keep walking, cause he's xx years too late."

I can say that, but my heart is fragile. I find it very hard to stay in and find a healthily relationship in reality. I keep wanting to go back, especially when I come back and feel reality is difficult, depressing, and lonely. I am not content with my life, my situation, and myself. Doesn't that sound selfish! I know I can't have everything or most things I want in life - but it's hard.

I feel so undeserving of a good, committed man. I feel so unlucky. Like really? How can I be so lucky I'll meet a man who I have so much chemistry with. A person I can fall in love with again and again for the rest of my life; who stay through the thick and thin seasons of life. Could I trust another person to cherish me as I will cherish them? Because if anything, life has shown me I am not lucky with relationship. Can I treat him right? I hate pain. What if he hurts me? Would this really solve my issue?

I feel so mess up inside. So shatter, so burden by my thoughts as a person that I do not want another human being to come into my space and feel this yuck I have inside me. My space is so unclean that I feel ashamed to let another person see it. Just how could anyone ever want me, the boring me, and my mess. N so I recoil back into my daydream where he, the handsome man I created who embodied the physical form I desire, has no choice but to love me for all my broken pieces and imperfection.