Life....

It seems as though everything in life can go so wrong yet so right at the same time. The endless needing to be perfect and happy is crushing me. Yet I am writing this thinking of what a waste of space I am. From the moment I got up this morning I was nearly in tears, but I guess that doesn't matter now, as being emotional never will get me anywhere in life. I love a lot of things on cups, but I have seen my friends hurt lots, and I have hurt.

When things don't go well I don't eat, I don't sleep, I bash myself day in and out. That is what I find myself doing. How can one be happy with this world we live in? I have to say goodbye to the teachers I love so much, again. At least this time I get to say goodbye, but that hurts, it will never be a see you later, and I know this. But when you grow up in a failing education system what does one expect. staff members leave left and right. Fights every day, stupid rules put into place just for students to backlash everyday, and so much more. 

But that isn't even the worst of it all. Maybe its the fact I am sick, and know I am getting sicker. That has driven my love for education away. My leg looked like it was having a seizure before those moments it hurt a lot my Achilles felt like it was tearing, that's what we had thought. They had already be slowly tearing for some time, so it came to no shock that it was finally going. But not this time. This time my immune system attacked my whole leg, making the muscles shake, nothing could control it. My joints inflamed more then ever, time for new medication. Medication that would rewire my immune system and nervous system. 

I was nervous about school, everyone was sick. I asked kids at theatre who were extremely sick just do some simple things, put a mask on, wash their hands, stay home if they run a temp, yet they all laughed at me and told me I was dramatic. Well thanks to people coming to school running a fever coughing everywhere I went to bed fine and woke up with a respiratory infection. How's that for dramatic? I am well aware my body has 0 strength to fight off anything, but according to everyone else I just don't know my body at all.

I see no why in anything anymore. Everything I had loved is now gone or the love has gone away. Everything is changing everyone is leaving, but that is life they say? But it doesn't stop it from hurting, however there is no time to hurt as life is short. There is just no point in thinking anything will ever be okay again. Because when you live in this mad cruel world, nothing will ever be okay. 

~ Regan