I’ve been lonely for years

Just downloaded this app so I’m not sure if I’m posting in the right place.

Anyways, I moved to the US from Brazil almost 3 years ago. I’m a foreigner here and that makes it harder for me to connect with people around here. I’ve had, however, this problem my whole life. I’ve always been different than everybody else. I think differently, I act differently, I don’t fit in with most people.

I used to dance. Started in 2014 and it’s the reason why I came to the US. It was the beginning of my dance career. 1 month in here and I got into a bike accident. Woke up in the hospital, and to this day I’m paying the medical bills. But the worst part was tearing my ACL, on both knees. Now, after a long rehab, I’m fully recovered and can finally dance again. I couldn’t dance for over 2 years though. Gained a few pounds and lost my flexibility, aside from the fact that I didn’t practice this whole time.

Before the accident I had just lost my best friend. A friendship I had for over 8 years, we would talk everyday and we were each other’s support in life, suddenly vanished.

Since then I’ve been alone. And I couldn’t do the thing I love the most in this world, dance. And this feeling, whatever it is I’m feeling now, lives with me everyday. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes I can manage it.

To pay the bills I’ve been waiting tables since I can’t dance. And recently I was promoted to bartender, which normally would be a good thing. However, some days I have a really hard time maintaining a happy face for the guests, and it’s in slow season right now, so I can barely make ends meet.

Work is not great right now, my social life is non-existent, and even though now I can dance again and I tried for a few days, I don’t feel like I can do it anymore. I’m 26 now, deep down I know it’s not too late to pursue dance still, but I just can’t gather the energy to do it all over again.

Im not happy at work, not happy at home. No relationships, no family, barely any money, no friends, no girlfriend, no energy, no prospects, no plans. I’ve noticed I haven’t been happy a couple of weeks ago, but today I realized I’m miserable. And I simply don’t know what to do.

The thought “if I was never born I wouldn’t be going through this” have come to mind very often lately. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t do anything to my life. But I’m scared that if this doesn’t change this thought might intensify in the future, and I don’t want to do anything stupid.

All I know right now is that I need help, because I have no idea what to do.