I see myself in infinity much more than I see myself at any age past 16
I didnt think I would see 16
At 12 I remeber clearly seeing myself reach 13, 14, 15
I never saw myself past much of 16, I thought somewhere in 16 something was going to happen and I would leave
At 18 I had a moment of realization where I looked around and realized that I was still here
I was in a state of disbelief, I didn't know how it happened, I was unbalivebled shocked
Now Im in my mid/late twenties Im still here but I still do not see myself here
I know I made it past 16 and there is a very high chance I will make it to thirty, mentally I am aware of it but I cant for the life of me visualize myself at that age, 15 and parts of 16 is as far as I can imagine
Even 16 is a stretch because although I could see myself 16 I couldn't plan for it because I believed with my heart something was going to happen
Because I can't see myself past 16 I think I subconsciously make decisions with that in mind
Like I dont date not because I don't want love but because I cant see myself getting older and I do not want to cause my partner's heartbreak
I make sacrifices or do things that may not seem beneficial but since it doesn't actually matter because since I won't be here much longer they wont impact me
Great example is I have aging parents and I've taken on the responsibility of them so my siblings can build there life and not worry about our parents, I dont think I have a life to build so I dont care about it
I know more likely then not I actually do have a real life and future to think about but I dont see myself there
I've been living a life I never actually thought I would have and still don't think I will have
In highschool I pretended to plan for college but for the life of me I didnt actually think I would see it
I dont know how to change this
I need to be able to see myself getting older becouse if I dont I dont think I will be able to actually plan for a future that I will part of
Its hard to explain, my heart and mind need to know that I will be here
I also think this is all temporary
Like this is the middle place to forever so its hard for me to care about it
Like we all go somewhere after this and I hate the fact that we pretend that this matters
A part of me just wants to be in forever so I dont care about here because its meaningless and pointless and temporary
I know these few years here is such a small blimp in the context of infinity so I should be present in it but its hard
I see myself in infinity much more than I see myself at any age past 16
How do I change this
I want to care about the middle ground
I want to be able to see myself at any age
How
@callmeRM
Would you prefer a simplier explanation, or a more difficult one? 😊
As for the simpler, when I was a teenager, thinking I am going to turn 25+ in year 2000, it sounded so surreal. I believe it can be normal.
As for the more difficult one: There is a guy named Mark Wolynn, who had a theory some of us (especially the most sensitive ones) may have some access to the memory of the past generations (e.g. sone of our ancestors), written in something like a "data cloud".
I think the best we can do is just live our own lives, being aware it is different than what we may have "remembered".
@callmeRM
To be more exact: For example, Mr Wolynn in his book "It Didn't Start With You..." tells a story of a young woman who strongly imagines herself incinerated at some age. It turned out some ancestors of this lady had really ended their lives in a crematorium of a nazi concentration camp.
In other words: You may try to find in your family histories someone who lost his life at the age of 16. Maybe in the generation of your grandparents. Maybe you somehow "inherited" his memories?
I'd give that some safety margin, because what the researcher says might be a fable. But also it can be some very new knowledge, on the verge of psychology, neurology and quantum physics.
How do you feel with this I-am-not-planning-anything routine?
Is it bothering you, making you feel like a self-sacrifice, or giving you a sense of comfort and freedom?
While you avoid dating, how do you know one of them might turn into something more serious, while many others could not result in meeting someone for the second time?