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I need advice
purpleOcean3814 August 26th
.

I posted a little about this in the trauma thread, but I’m a little at a loss here because there are so many questions I have that I just need a new post entirely.


Ever since my sister and I were young, we have played role-playing games, like being Harry and Hermione and going on adventures, etc. My sister and I had very hard childhoods — narcissistic father, sick mother with Lupus and Bipolar, neglected, parentification — so this was our way with escape, but sadly, we are now 21, obsessed with Attack On Titan, and still do it.


A part of me is sort of like “who cares?!? People play DnD all the time!” Since it makes me happy sometimes, but another of part of me feels so disgusting and like throwing up and running away.


I know this is about to get worse and I’m sorry, but the reason why I feel so disgusting is that, a few months ago, I remembered something from my childhood: that, when we were young, while we played these games, we dry-humped each other. After a month or so as a kid, I pushed her off and she did it anyways, and remembering that hasn’t made anything the same. We stopped after that, but it haunted me for awhile after I remembered it recently.


Thanks to the trauma chat, her and I talked about it and I’m healing. We were neglected kids, our parents never taught us anything about anything, so how would we have known? Remembering it makes me cry sometimes, as that memory taints so many, but I’m getting there.


But, now, after expressing that I want to stop roleplaying, we still do because a part of me really enjoys it. Nothing bad happens or anything: we just chit-chat as the characters. But, I can’t help but have that little part of me go, “that’s weird. You are 21 years old and still doing this. Grow up, get a life, and run away.”


so, I don’t know what the heck to do. Her and I both have terrible anxiety and depression. She has moved to college recently, but I still see her everyday because I commute there daily (last semester and can’t dorm 😭, but she’s in a 6 year program so she’ll be there awhile). And, both of us want to roleplay but don’t because of her roomates (I’d die if anyone ever found out).


we are trying to wane out of it (she agreed!) by only roleplaying during the weekends when she’s home and will stop on Halloween for good, but, guys, I feel like this whole role playing thing and getting assaulted and all of that is going to eat at me the rest of my life. I haven’t told ANYONE but her and this post. I’m scared to ever get a partner bc then I’d have to tell them (or else it would eat at me!) and who would love me after that?!? And I don’t think I’d ever tell a therapist either.


so I just need advice on all of that


thank you everyone and sorry

4
aren60 August 31st
.

@purpleOcean3814
Hi! It’s normal to feel conflicted about the role-playing and memories from your childhood, especially given your trauma. You’ve already shown strength by discussing it with your sister and setting boundaries. Healing is a gradual process, so don’t hesitate to seek support if you need it, even though it feels difficult. Remember that your past coping mechanisms don’t define your worth or who you are today. Take things one step at a time, and be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex emotions.

purpleOcean3814 OP August 31st
.

Do you think it’s odd we still roleplay sometimes now?

purpleOcean3814 OP August 31st
.

Bc a part me wants to throw up and cry thinking about it, but another part of me enjoys it. I keep thinking about normal people and their lives and how f-cked up everything is

Jigaram August 31st
.

Hello there purpleOcean,


I’m really sorry that this is weighing so heavily on you. It’s obvious this is causing a lot of distress. I’m not a professional, nor from the trauma thread, but just another member here, so you can take what I have to say with a grain of salt.


What strikes me most personally about reading your post is what seemed to me the strong feelings of shame you carry about the past and the roleplaying. Like you mentioned, many people play D&D, and especially now so many people are into fantasy shows, cosplay, anime, and really media of every kind. All of those things are actually now considered “normal” for people of your age group, and indeed even for people over twice your age. So, maybe it would help to get to the bottom of why you feel ashamed of that? It’s possible to even go deeper and ask - even if it wasn’t “normal” to do that, why should you be ashamed of it? (Because what is “normal” does not dictate what’s joyful and right for you.)


I understand you’re saying that your feelings about it are further complicated by the other childhood experiences you had, and it seemed to me you may have a strong expectation in your mind that people could have a rejecting attitude towards all of the things you expressed, as if they made you “bad”, and that you are afraid of being judged negatively that way. I’m wondering if that makes up some or a lot of the pain you’re experiencing. In other words, it may not be about the roleplaying or the childhood experiences themselves, but about the meaning that you’re making out of them, and your fears about what other people may think. But I think it’s important to realize any sensible person would only have compassion for you.


At any rate, I would hope you would be able to speak about this with a therapist, only because I think a good therapist could help here. But of course that’s your choice to make, and I know it’s not easily accessible for a lot of people.

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