I Will Never Be The Same

The last year of my life has been life-changing

I've had experiences I could only have dreamed of

I've had disappointments I could not have imaged

I've had lows I didn't know existed 

The last month of my life has been mind-altering

I've dealt with a type of pain I didnt know existed

I have knees that still hurt from kneeling and begging for God for help

I have shoulders that still shake from the body-shaking sobs I've had

I have a heart that is still recovering from the daily attacks

I have a mind that still runs a million miles an hour

I still can still hear that question that was asked that made me realize I am fundamentally not OK 

The question that still runs through my mind that broke me

The answer to the question that made me go on a spiral

The truth that I didn't know I was running from

I will never be the same

I still think this to shall pass 

I still look to God and ask him when

The grief still hits me at random times

I still ask God why all of this all at once

The last year felt like I've dealt with enough to last two lifetimes

The last month felt like I've dealt with enough to last ten lifetimes

I've chosen to seclude and deal with it alone 

I don't know how I will be when I re-enter the world

I don't know if I can re-enter it

I don't know how I will be to my friends and family

Will they see that my light has dimmed to the point of almost being out

Will they see the reminds of my crull present

Or will they just ask me when I'm getting married

Will I have to ignore that my life will never be the same

I am not the same

I dont care the same

I dont see the world the same

There is a part of me that will always grief

This is more than grief, the grief is just what pushed me over

This is what happens when the truth I was running away from catches up to me

It been over a year 

When will I see sun again

Its almost been a month 

When will I breathe again

Its like I'm in the ocean and I know I need to stay afloat but the waves keep taking me under and I'm getting tired  

When will this end

I will never be the same